[RainbowYawn]

My grandmother raised me and I lived with her until I was three years old. Afterward I lived with highly abusive parents until I was taken away at 14. Now that I am older, I have realized my mother has borderline personality disorder, bi polar, schizoaffective disorder and others I don't remember. My adult life I have taken care of her and her things when she goes into the Psych hospital. I moved away last year and it hasn't been as bad.
My mom keeps talking about wanting to be known by her grandchildren. I have no objection to that. However she goes on to say that she wishes that she could be close to her grandchildren like I was to my grandmother. This is unhealthy to me. My closeness to my grandma and not to my mother was horrible for me. My grandmother was mentally ill as well and it took me five years of behavioral therapy while I was in foster care to be well. My mother starts talking about wanting to play with the kids on a regular basis and become a large part of their lives. She says she wants them to know and remember her. I am worried that she isn't thinking about the better of my children and is instead thinking that this is an opportunity for her to try to raise a child again.
I want to tell her that she will be apart of their lives just not a big part of their lives. I feel comfortable with them seeing her on holidays and when we visit but not for long because of how unstable and how embedded her thinking errors are. The problem is that if I don't word it correctly she will become black and white and think I don't want her around at all. A part of me wants to talk to her counselor and figure out the best way to approach this.
I do not want my children to go through what I did. I do not want them to see my mom fine one minute and completely insane the next and mimic it. I don't want my mom to manipulate or lie to my children on a whim like she did to me. She is getting better and that is why I am okay with her seeing the children from time to time. I'm just not sure how to tell her without it becoming a raging storm of "they are her grandkids and she has a right to see them" or "how dare I hold her mental illness over her head" or "why are you taking my grandkids away I thought we were doing better" or "that isn't enough time for them to know who I am", etc. I'm not trying to hurt my mom and I love her very much. She has gotten a bit better but not enough for me to leave my kids alone with her. I really wish I could trust my mom but I can't. I want her to see them however I don't want her to be a large influence in their lives.
Please, I need some advice. I just want what is best for my kids.

[unaluna]

I just wanted to say, it's your job to protect your kids. Just because your mother wants something, does not relieve you of your responsibility. She can say whatever she wants. But she is no longer the boss of you, and she is not the boss of your kids.

The way my brother handled it, he brought my nephew to my mother's house once a month for birthdays or holidays. I was invited too. That was it. Like it or lump it. I have never taken the kid to a movie, nothing. I don't think it's right, but I don't think I would have let my kids go with my (drunken-@$$) brother, if I would have had any kids, so I can't really complain, can I?!

So just do what YOU feel is best.

[AAAAA]

As Hankster said, your first responsibility is to your children. If she isn't stable enough to handle a more extensive relationship, you have to do what you feel is best for them.

I have an uncle that is as crazy as a mad hatter. But the kids love him, although they do not understand him most of the time. He has a strange sense of humor. He'll say two unrelated words and laugh and laugh and laugh. The kids always thought it was fun. He was always laughing. Since they were the only relatives in the immediate area my children were quite close with them. After a few years I started to notice at 4:30 on the dot it was like a switch was flipped. He would speak to my Aunt in a harsh tone and be very belittling. So I would still bring the kids to visit but we would leave before he flipped that switch. When they would come to our house, I would make sure they knew we had plans at 4:00. Then the behavor became less predictable. My Aunt finally confronted me on it. We'd gone from seeing each other every day, eating dinner together several nights a week and at least one of the children spending the night there Friday and Saturday nights to only visiting for a few hours, to seeing rarely seeing each other. And then finally (currently) we only see each other when we both made the four hour drive to our home town for family functions. I told her that I was aware that my Uncle had many medical issues. I suspected at first he was "coming down" from the medications at 4:30 and suggested she speak to his doctor about it. She was greatly offended. I told her that 1) I did not want my children to see this behavior and think that it was acceptable. and 2) We love them very much but I did not want my children to see this behavor and let it change their opinion on him. Right now they think of him (still do 20 years later) as their funny Uncle that they love dearly that has become too busy to do the things we used to do.

I knew my Uncle's (and his families) mental health issues prior to allowing them to create that bond. Was I wrong? Maybe. They had a close, loving relationship for as long as it was good for them. When it became unhealthy I created logical reasons why we couldn't go to Aunties house, until it was no longer the norm.

[slopatient]

I can experience how confused you are. If you want to appear sensible of anything, you have to crack it down. Unfortunately, you can't management you mum's activities and how she creates you experience, but you have to neglect it and tell yourself that it is a aspect of her managed understanding and not your fault; you have been awesome to her.