[1tash1]

Had 2 visits to the counselor now, very interesting I must say.Well I hover over my wife of 22 years all I want is sex,I have no relationships with my 3 daughters, I am self centered,I care about nothing or no one just myself(wife saying).Wow wow wow took 22 years to say she finally is unhappy hmm unbelievable.I have gave my all for 22 years I am so hurt and tour up inside , I have tried to make the best out of everything as I could do so but never is good enough,I have loved my family so much, I have no friends, I have turned them all away.Here I am lost as heck, can't sleep feel like I am with a stranger in are house,man I feel so alone,all an she said,I can have sex if I really really have to re leave myself ,that is so arousing if I must,thought maybe it was menopause or another man don't think so,I think is all my fault ,cause I have gave to much and totally spoiled my hole family I have built or made whatever. I say to my self is it worth the abuse and disgrace, I have to go through,the pain the humiliation of dealing with counselors thus so far are only 1 sided I feel.Here is the problem I love her!!! that is hole issue I for real love her. Do I just give up let her go she is pushing me that away why why,I love my daughters as well ,I have done over and beyond, I have spoiled them to much as well, I do have grate relationships with all three of them,I think so,I think that might be a jealous thing with my wife saying that,but I am trying to excepted and change and try to think my wifes way but it is hard. No marriage is perfect not saying it is yea I missed allot of my daughters girly things I call them, wow is that thrown in my face at the counselors from my wife,MY BAD bad dad I should have went to more then I did I get that opps but why does that effect myself and wife as a leverage to her to complain about that.Is it worth the lost sleep and heart braking I feel I am getting to old and tired of fighting to keep it all together.

[Leed]

Hey my good friend -- You're not sitting there and LETTING her get away with saying all that are you???? STAND UP for yourself, for heavens sakes!!! If she's lying, make SURE the therapist knows it!! Don't just sit there and take it! You won't get the help you need, if she's telling stories! OR -- That might be the way your wife SEES it, but sometimes it couldn't be further from the truth!!! Her 'memory' might be a little skewed.

Makes sure the therapist knows YOUR side too! Nothing will get settled if you don't say what's on YOUR mind too. Otherwise you'll just seethe with resentment for the rest of your life -- and the two of you won't really come to a meeting of the minds. You both have to be on the same page, so to speak, in order to get along. Tell the therapist what you've told us. Don't get walked on, ok?

I'm glad you posted. It's good for you to get it out. Keep posting. We'll be here. I'm still praying! God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[Open Eyes]

((((1tash1)))),

I agree with Leed here. It sounds to me like your wife is spoiled and never really communicated with you all those years. Sometimes women forget that if a man is the main provider, he has lots to think about, a lot of responsibility and worries. And women tend to forget that men think differently and don't always understand the girly stuff and often feel left out even.

Women tend to get a mind set of how mr white knight should be and if they don't get it they can stew. Men do their best many times and have no idea what that mr. white night picture is in the wife's mind unless she communicates.

Also, you may be right, your wife may be menopausal and if that IS the case, women CAN be miserable during this time. It sounds like she is somehow venting how imperfect things were/are for her and not seeing WHAT SHE REALLY HAD AND SHOULD HAVE APPRECIATED. This time in a womans life is very difficult because their hormones REALLY change and it skews their emotions so much. It often comes on with a gradual drop in estrogen that is a major part in how women feel in the emotional department. Most men get very confused by this sudden dragon lady that used to be calm and outgoing and basically happy, even sexually. So if this IS what your wife is entering, the stages of menopaus, try to be patient, not all of this is her fault.

Make sure you ask about this in therapy so your wife can hear it. Maybe your wife needs to have her estrogen levels checked and visit the OBGYN.

I am sorry, it sounds like your wife is at a time in her life where her children are getting ready to leave the nest? The teen years in children can be a subconscious reminder to the woman that her prime has passed and many women can go through some kind of grieving process thinking they didn't get all their little house with a white picket fence dreams and expectations filled somehow. If a woman has daughters that are dating and beginning their adult lives, they can be reminded of how that time for them is long gone and they often DO grieve and get a bit angry about what they didn't get and can fail to relish what they did get.

Keep your chin up, don't get to a point where you just absorb all this anger being thrown at you. I can see you are feeling very lost and hurt, don't sink into that ok?
It sounds like you tried very hard and are just at the place where all your WIFE'S disappointments are being blamed on you right now.

A GOOD Marriage councelor will see through a lot of this and point the right picture out to your wife in time. Right now your wife has the floor and is speaking out, good that she is doing that, better than having a wife that says nothing. Your wife is giving the therapist some things to respond to. And you should do the same. This is about facing realities as a COUPLE, don't take this as a beating, though I know it can be hard to hear all this. This is not ALL you, remember that.

((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

[Mike_J]

What was the counselor's reaction to what she said?

I agree with what the others have said, you need to let the counselor know about your feelings. Your situation sounds a lot like mine, been married 28 years, have seen a marriage counselor once, have our next appointment next week.

What is your opinion of your marriage counselor? Do you think he/she will be receptive to hearing your side of things?

[1tash1]

Wow!!you all give me tears to my eyes lol ,grasping the moment is really tough for me cause I really thought, I had a perfect marriage,I got blind sided by all this at once never had a clue of her being so miserable not a clue she never even told me she held everything back from me and I was so open and honest to her I feel so so stupid, that is beating me down bad never never expected anything like this at all wow was I stupid and blind but I was happy lol sounds terrible but I was so proud of my family and all we have accomplished together in 22 years I was blessed ,built a new home,owned extra lands,owned a camp site for family, pools bands entertainment all kinds of family based things to do,no money issues at all made mistakes with money early in are marriage but no issues of that now pretty well set wow, is like nothing matters now really scary feeling to actually have to go through all this. The counselor we have she is very good I believe she is very understanding ,I believe like you said to start I think it has to be my wifes side to get feelings and everything out on the table for somewhere to begin to rebuild, I feel it is what I am getting out of the meeting anyway but I might be wrong and just getting my butt kicked,I do try to express my feelings as much as I possible can but I am still in shock over all this ,is really hard for me to be open I come from a very small family. We have multiple marriage meetings to go to,so will have to see how things go for now.Might be a start of menopause is just so weird,wow she like went cold on me over night she says is a build up to the counselor god she has walls up on me so bad it is scary she could be that hurtful to me I never ever deserved this god she was my best friend not only my wife it hurts to breath even thinking she could do this to me,I trying to listen apparently I never did I trying anything to save my marriage, my out look on everything has totally changed cause of this, I just trying to find a medium we can both agree on but no luck yet,I am still singled out and alone and the bad guy. Counselor kinds reacted as expected to my wifes comments ,I thought she really did her best to stay neutral I felt,hard to explain how it went. It was very helpful and hurtful to here what problems I have and did not even know about them. I hoping for the best on my part anyways.I feel as a couple we have to try and save what we have built together as a family. To me this is a start to go forward not backwards is my thoughts. Thanks for the support hugs to all of you

[shezbut]

(((1tash1)))

In my own experience at marital counseling, we began by hearing my "issues" and then went onto his "issues". From there, we were to go onto look at situations from the other person's perspective. Which was to get out of our emotions, and not over-react. I did my homework, which did help me personally. My ex chose not to do his homework, and the counseling quickly changed into his decision of wanting a divorce.

I hope that your wife hasn't been holding these dark emotions inside of herself for X amount of years (like my hub was), that's what seems to be where the break occurred. Try not to worry too much, 1tash1, you will get your chance to say your side. And, trust me, the therapist will be just as understanding of your perspective on life. The goal is to get both of you to become a little more accepting and understanding of the other. Keep that in mind.

Best wishes to you and your family!

[1tash1]

Questions does marriage counseling really work? I get that it brings out things you can't tell your partner !!!!! partner or other but I might be wrong again as well but if your other was true and loving an honest why wouldn't you tell them if they truly was doing something that really pissed you off or made you feel unhappy. Is it that I am honest and she isn't or is it there's more??? My thoughts are terrible to day, I always think the worst case possible.Why would a person hold anything back if they truly loved the other person in the 1 st place that puzzles me why why why. Ok I got another curve ball going on wow !! ok is like this now I get some tiny some tiny bit of acknowledgement of good feelings from my wife at minimal times like she has forgotten she was totally pissed off at me ,I am like hmmmmmmmmm what I say to myself and then like few eye blinks bam she back to cold attitude like she hates the site of me wtf I SAYYYYY,OK I LOOSING IT ok not to sound stupid but I today took a shower after work like I always do she enters the room not sexual and takes a shower with me like nothing is wrong hmmm I say wow really I mean I say to myself that lord not out loud I was lost for words now is this a game I get to play now or what. My feeling and thoughts are crazy so I say to my self do not say a word lol not a word. Now I guess she must have memory lose at moments and forgets, I thinking ok she is on many many different meds for her depression and high blood pressure pills so I am thinking her meds might be affecting her mind or something is that possible I been going through heck for along time you all think that might be my hole problem her medicines??? Just a thought crazy crazy

[unaluna]

Stepping into the shower with you - definitely sounds like she is sending you "mixed messages". The marriage counselor will NOT be happy with her about that! This is a big no-no. If your wife can't make up her mind, then wth???

[IceCreamKid]

No. I don't think the whole problem is the medications your wife takes. I think either you have missed cues your wife has given you over the years or your wife has had a serious problem with being upfront about what is bothering her. You're doing the right thing getting counseling. If you have substance abuse issues, now would be the time to address those, too.

[faerie_moon_x]

I think your wife has some sort of communication block, a major communication issue.

Let's take me for example. I am terrible at asking for help. When I was a teen and young adult I was having major issues with my mental illness, but whenever and wherever I asked for help I was blown off. It has a big effect on me in that it makes me anxious and uncomfortable to ask for help, because I think no one will care. So, I tend to bottle things up. That's bad and I know I do it, so that's my issue. But I have to realize it is my issue and communicate. I can't just get mad at people for not reading my mind.

Also sending you mixed messages is wrong. Some people like to play games. Like, maybe they are upset, but really not as upset as all that. Or she just really wants your attention but isn't thinking about how you may be feeling at this time. Or, maybe because she never communicated her unhappiness, and now it's out in the open she isn't sure what to do, because she is still attached to you emotionally and worried about your reaction. I think it is selfish to send mixed messages, but at the same time maybe she is confused. Either way, games or confused, you need to bring up this behavior to the marriage councelor and get to the bottom of it.

Marriage counceling only works if both parties are really serious about fixing the issues.

[LightningMan]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

Marriage counseling only works if both parties are really serious about fixing the issues.

I was going to write something, but this says everything I was going to.

[Leed]

I would CERTAINLY bring up the issue of your wife getting into the shower with you and the fact that she's sending all the messages that you don't understand. Tell the counselor that you're just not SURE if the wife really WANTS to work on the marriage or NOT !!! Say this in FRONT of the wife, and see what she has to say!! When she plays this "hot & cold" thing with you, you can't help but wonder! Anyone would.

I don't think it's the medication that makes her act like this either. She either has some mental hangup, which I would have thought you would have noticed all thru the years, or she's playing some game. I wouldn't think it would have just "cropped up" all of a sudden, but I'm no doctor either. LOL

I really feel for you, my friend. You've been trying so hard. I know this must be driving you nuts. But don't give up. Keep trying until there's just no hope anymore. And I don't think that will happen. Keep us posted, ok? We'll be here. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[1tash1]

WOW THANKS EVERYONE FOR THE SUPPORT Well 2 day I went to left field fishing,I invited my wife to dinner alone 1st time in almost 2 months, alone together with out children was peaceful and very nice enjoyed dinner.Towards the end I opened up a little about were we are in are relationship as well as are goals we would like to meet and of course how did we get to were we are now.I never actually listen to her feelings she stressed to me comely,we never had any out of place questions to anger each other, tonight she was very nice I needed that so far nights still early will update tomorrow thanks again all.

[1tash1]

Was a grate night very relaxing and enjoyable didn't want the night to end was so satisfied and felt so fulfilled inside(THANK YOU GOD) next day I wanted to talk and cherish the time we had the night before but I decided to just keep it cool, try not to mess up some good positive feelings ,in the right direction finally I think the walls are moving in a good way,I am scared very nervous like when I fist meet my wife lmao is so wild like feeling,we had some real depth in are conversations last night she really opened up, I was so happy to just here her talk as if I exist again was so nice,today got up early am made breakfast and no mood changes yet!!! everything is grate I don't want it to ever end, she has many times today came to me to talk about many different things dealing with are children, I listened an wow seems like its all over,I really know it isn't but wow it has been like empty inside a black hole here for me for the last 2 months thank god and all of you for help this site is grate love the site thanks for all the support and advise really helps

[Leed]

Wow, I hope this continues! I can't help but wonder if your wife might need some one-on-one counseling tho. Since she has these hot/cold moods, maybe she DOES have some issues. I sure HOPE it doesn't happen again, but you just never know. If it does, urge her to seek counseling alone, ok? Maybe she has a manic/depressive problem (bi-polar). But I'm no doc so I don't know. LOL

Keep us posted, my friend. I'll keep watching! Hugs, Lee

[1tash1]

We are getting alone OK but seems I have to initiated everything that happens before it happens,doesn't seem right to me feels like is only happening to make me feel better not her does that sound stupid. Like I am by myself ,she don't start anything ,for her self should I lay back an wait or be the aggressor,before all these problems ,was like we both was the aggressor together,might be just me being impatient just isn't right yet.Patience I not very good at.One bad thing are meetings are 3 weeks apart for are marriage counseling that really sucks can't believe we have to wait that long to go.We have very good talks between each other know, I feel she acts alot better when I just set and listen I don't know is all new and strange to me.Wow seems like a circus all the time anymore.

[Leed]

When you say you have to "start everything" do you mean you have to start all the conversations that you have?? Doesn't she start any of them? What do you mean by you have to be the "aggressor?" NO one should be very aggressive right now. LOL Things are too unstable to be very aggressive -- a fight could start over a piece of lint! LOL Just try to be very calm & cool for now, and take one day at a time. 3 weeks does seem like a long time between counseling sessions -- I wonder why he wants you to wait so long. I suppose he just wants you to put his suggestions into play before you see him again, and see how they work. I hope you two ARE using his suggestions (if he's given you any)!!

I know that kids can make the home seem like a circus. Try to keep things as calm as you can around the house. It's surely a challenge! LOL But if the kids get too rambunctious, send them outside! LOL Take care my friend & keep us posted. I'm glad you're posting! Hugs, Lee

[LightningMan]

Originally Posted by 1tash1

We are getting along OK but [it] seems I have to initiate everything that happens before it happens. [It] doesn't seem right to me. [It] feels like [it] is only happening to make me feel better, not her. Does that sound stupid? [It's] like I am by myself; she do[es]n't start anything for herself. Should I lay back an wait or be the aggressor? Before all these problems [it] was like we both [were] the aggressor together.

If your needs are getting met, don't get hung up on right now only you starting things. Things did not get as bad as they are overnight and they will not get back to a mutually good place overnight.

She could be holding back, trying to see if your attitude change will stick. She may never have been comfortable asserting herself all the time. There could be a number of reasons for what you are perceiving. But regardless of the reason, don't ruin something that is going good by worrying about whether or not it is going the way you perceive it should in your head.

[1tash1]

I am so scared to make a mistake that's why I am asking,I never ever what that feeling I had before when I was away from my family. Are talks has been between us both not just 1 sided well mostly my wife,she talks allot more then I do lol ,but doing anything at all, has been 1 sided,makes me real nervous,I never made all the decisions ever, maybe somethings that change I will have to get accustom to ,is so hard ,I trying to take the right approach on everything,my wife has actually been consistent on how she has been acting,as far as the kids they trying to play between us both but they really having no luck, so I really not to much worried about them at this time, I care about them and love them didn't mean in a bad way.Example Leed I brought to my wifes attention about the shower thing I posted awhile ago,I initiated intimacy over the weekend, cause she did that I felt I had to know.She has been listening to the counselor trying different things and saying different things as well. I think I am over thinking it all !!I don't know,like LightningMan said don't ruin something that is going good.I like being straight forward and open not a good thing all the time I have been learning.

[Leed]

Yeah, one thing you don't want to do is ANALYZE things all the time. Just take things at face value and go with the flow. Take things one day at a time and trust your gut. You'll drive yourself nuts if you question everything.

And kids will ALWAYS play Mom against Dad and vice/versa. They're "rotten" like that. LOL I've never seen a child who didn't do that. LOL I think ALL of us did that. Just make sure you keep doing what you're doing -- stay united so the kids don't get the upper hand.

Being open is ALWAYS a good thing as long as it isn't HURTFUL. You just need to know when to draw the line. And I'm sure you are intelligent enough to know that. As long as you & wife keep the lines of communication open, you should be ok. Don't be afraid to talk to her. She'll listen. Hugs, Lee

[xraydiva09]

Hello all! Im pretty new here...I usually post in the Bi-Polar forum, but I ventured into other forums today to see what was new.....and of course, nothing against you or anyone, but Im going to play devil's advocate, having went through alot of this myself....
First off, just hearing one side, isnt helpful....I know you cant very well have your wife post on here, but just hearing your side and how she does all of these things to you, I cant help but wonder, maybe you have done some things to her as well? People dont just change out of nowhere over night, and if you are anything like my ex and I were, neither of us would tell any stories to others where we looked bad lol...no offense against you....
After reading a couple of your posts, something struck me that was a problem in my marriage....you said that you guys have no more financial problems and have these items and those items, and she is upset that you dont go on alot of the "girly" outings...well that was a big kicker in my marriage. My ex was not one to really talk about things if there was a problem...he worked alot, so he tried to make up for it by providing well for us. We didnt want for anything, but at the end of the day, all I wanted was him and our family, so that caused a problem-he just wasnt emotionally available-between work and his social life, etc....and of course one problem led to another and we both did alot of damage to the marriage....point being though, when he would confide in others about our problems, he just didnt know what happened and it pretty much looked like I flipped my lid over night.....
Fast forward to now, he passed away in Nov.2011 and I would give anything to go back in time...I dont know if it would be to change things or make things right, but at least so things would have been different and we would have went about things a little differently. Neither of us truly opened up-too busy blaming each other and when the hurt just became too much, we finally got divorced. We did become good friends out of the whole thing, thank God, but I guess all I am asking is for you to take a long hard look at yourself as well and not just point at your wife....sometimes we dont always like what we see in ourselves and it is so easy to brush past it and blame someone else....sorry if I offended.....

[1tash1]

You not offending at all,I have a threads in addiction that really explains alot of the reasons we are were where at.( http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...ken+fatherhood) U can update my situation a little better,I love my wife and my children would do anything to keep my family together,in short I was an evening achoholic drank very strong whiskies I abused my family when I wasn't sober not physical but mental since last drinking venge I was on 3 months around ago I quit and am sober to stay. My wife has a build up over the last 22 years she couldn't be honest with me she kept everything inside.I am to true I can't keep my mouth shut I came from a small family,my wife is from a family 12 I was family of 4.Now she has walls up,I am working to get through them,in baby steps but we are going forward not backwards that is a plus, I have very low patience,I working on that bigtime,I get real moody feel like a stranger sometimes in my house, just very heart braking to actually have to go through any of this I am going through.All I can say I have learned so far is !!!WHEN YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS PERFECT BE VERY CAREFUL.I taking different approaches on everything now my life has totally changed,I have good days now not all bad ones,time will tell I willing to give it my all,I think we will find a trues between each other but isn't going to happen any time soon I can see.

[1tash1]

Another terrible day is marriage worth the abuse,I am totally F!@ken done,I think my marriage life is in the past anyone have a good layer in Ohio is so please let me know,now my marriage is 1 sided as U can see is not my side.I had a good marriage loved all 20 years was totally satisfied no regrets but I think is best we go are separate ways we not getting alone at all,all I do is get smashed I am done.

[eskielover]

Reading your thread, it seems to me that your marriage isn't really one sided, but your wife is setting back & letting you prove yourself for all the time that you had been blowing it with your alcoholism.

I know that is about what I would do. I left my husband for other reasons.....we've been separated for 5 years & I have no intention of going back......but I left him with the comment that if he really wanted to change he would prove it to me because there was nothing more I could do & I could no longer tolerate what was going on in my life with him. I emotionally withdrew from the marriage long before I left......& left it up to him to prove that there were going to be the necessary changes to make the marriage work (we were married 33 years before I finally left).

My guess is that you feel it's one sided because that may be what your wife's thinking is......he has to prove himself.....so it's going to feel like it's all one sided because you are in the process of proving to her that you are going to continue being the different that the marriage takes to survive.

I can guarantee that after a huge blow up in a marriage that it never would go back to the way it was....so to expect that to happen in not a logical expectation on your part. The best thing that can happen is that you do prove yourself to be off the alcohol & to be a dependable husband & father.......then the marriage can go from there.

So to say, the ball is in your court.....so it's gonna look one sided for awhile.....something you need to deal with & accept that she isn't going to blindly accept your change without good solid proof......from there the marriage can be rebuilt.

You didn't have a good marriage for 20 years....maybe you loved it because you were allowed to be the alcoholic that you choose to be.....that satisfied YOU, but it didn't satisfy your wife. You didn't have any regrets? You didn't regret being an alcoholic for all those years & mistreating your wife?......if that's the way you truly feel, then if I were your wife, I wouldn't bother with the marriage either.

If you truly do care about your wife & your marriage & your kids.....you won't get smashed again......it's your choice....it's your behavior. What do you really want in your life.....your alcohol or your wife & kids?

[1tash1]

I am off hard whiskys I haven't done anything wrong after the blow up, I have been building I thought but I think is to late,love is nothing to do with it, if anything I love to much,a person or a man can only take so much abuse when U give give give and nothing but smashed inside you get back ,she not 4 real she held back not I, I was real in are marriage, she is one that wasn't ,not my fault she could not be honest with me. I wasn't a acholic 20years. U say I have to rebuild, I not the lier in this one not I.I have done everything and more as husband can possible do. Same job for 18 years never missed a day work in 26 years never unemployed,never had to want,new home not sure of your expectations but apparently U had a real bad experiences.I only had a couple few maybe at best problems besides my kids issues,I am were I am now because my kids issues I am old school my bad just the way I am I can't change that and have no want to even try.