Should I leave?

I have been in relationship for a man with 3 years. We live together in a nice home with my 2 children (not his). There are many things about him a love (his sense of adventure, the fun things we do together, his sense of humor, his desire to succeed). When I fell in love with him, he was very sweet and charming. He would talk about marriage, dreams and plans for the future, etc. I felt very assured in our relationship at one time.

Slowly and progressively, however, things have been getting worse. One time, I found he had profiles on dating websites with photos taken while we were dating. He denied it and I ultimately let it go. Then he had gone out one night with friends and gotten so drunk he called his ex (who supposedly ruined his life) to pick him up. When he got home, he was less than kind. I helped him into bed and he went so far as to smack me and laugh about half a dozen times. I told him when he woke up because I knew he didn't remember. He apologized about the first part and said I was lying about the hitting part. I let that go, too. Barely.

He has gotten mad at me for venting to a friend about these situations. He tells me I should be loyal. He considers it "talking *****" about him and that is "the worst thing you can do". He was so mad over me talking to my friend (it got back to him clearly) that he broke up with me and moved out with no warning one time, leaving me nothing - not even a bed to sleep on.

We reconciled and things seemed great for awhile. However, what I consider emotional abuse has gotten out of control. I am not saying I am perfect. nobody is perfect and nobody has a perfect relationship. But I genuinely do care and do try.

Just today, he called me a "*****" in front of my daughters and when my 6 year old defended me he said "hopefully you won't be a "*****" like your mom someday and make a man miserable". She's 6. And my 9 year old was right there.

He's told me everyone thinks I am crazy, all my friends don't like me, nobody likes me, I am mentally ill, I am a psycho, I am a bad mom, I am lazy, I don't do anything, I am cheap, I am trailer trash....really the list could go on. Things that are really hard to forgive and forget.

He spends a lot of time with his friends (who are single) doing whatever he wants and when I try and do anything he tries to control it. He doesn't invite me along places or make me feel welcome. In fact, his friends and family invite me along and make me feel more welcome more than he does.

He makes more money than me and I believe he thinks I will stay with him due to that reason. I believe he thinks he can control me due to that reason. However, he purchased the home we are in by his own choice (my name is not on it) and he would have bought it even if we were not together. I would have never bought this home because I can not afford to live here.

I do contribute what I can. I pay rent. I pay utilities. I buy groceries. I clean the entire house and I work full time and have 2 children. I also help with his 2 dogs.

I don't know why I am not good enough. I don't know what to do. I am scared and I feel like a loser for putting my children in this situation. I have told him how I feel and tried to make it better a MILLION time to no avail. He's not going to change.

Help?

Hey, and welcome to the forum.

Sorry to hear about the situation you're in, sounds dreadful. Nobody can really tell you what to do, as the choice is ultimately yours, but I do get the impression that you've had enough and want to get out. You know what? I don't blame you.

If you do, then perhaps you can start a plan. Put some of your money aside (secretly), look for somewhere to rent with your kids. If you have a good friend or family, please talk to them and enlist their help, or just a friendly ear. Even if you do not go for a while, the savings will make you feel better, and ready to go if and when you want.

I do hope you make the right decision for you and your children. I do think tho, that its as rare as rocking horse poo that a situation like this gets better if you stay with him. Time and time again the mental/physical abuse gets worse.

And please don't feel like any of this is your fault. Your feelings of not being good enough are typical of someone who is being abused. The abuser wears someone down until there is little of that person left, and just an empty shell remains. Again, this is typical of this kind of senario. As you've said, he's not going to change, so it has to be you that's the strong one and does the changing, getting stronger, and make plans to leave if you can't bear it anymore.

Big hugs and good luck

Whether you should leave should not be a question - it is obvious that you should. You should for 1) your own sake, 2) your children's sake. So no question here.

The question is how. You are probably in a tough situation because the house is not in your name, you probably have grossly over contributed your money and services (you pay the rent, you keep the house clean, you dogsit for him, etc. - it sounds like he has been exploiting you financially, although we do not know the details).

So you should check rental housing, put together a budget for you/kids living on your own, etc. - take practical steps.

IMO, when one gets to the stage of asking should I leave, the answer is generally a resounding yes. That little voice inside us that says things are so badly broken that they cannot be repaired is one that should be listened to. It took me years to come to the same conclusion, but I have only very recently filed for divorce. So I'm not telling you do something that I think is easy - I know how hard it is. But your role as parent means that you have to make difficult decisions for the betterment of your children. You are their role models, and depending on their ages, you might want to include them in your thought processes about why you are making plans to leave. It might be useful to them if they are teenagers so they don't fall into the same trap later.

It's unfortunate that you weren't married as you are not entitled to get a portion of his assets, since you so clearly contributed to his material wealth.

Hamster's advice is very good - start reducing the amount you pay him and start keeping more of the money so you can have a deposit for a new place.

Welcome to PC and I wish you all the best. Take care,
Bub

awww im so sorry to hear that he sounds like a control freak that sounds so fimalir to me sounds like my own boy friend 100 precent from the ***** name calling in front of my child to the how he makes more money how i shouldnt talk about are relationship with friends to him talking to his exs on the phone and its just okay... I feel for you so much cuase i know it sucks but you love him soo much and your trying to get over ever thing but you cant just like i couldnt and i cheated on his dumbass and i just dnt care what he does now cuase i will treat the **** out of him to be honest but dont go that route leave him be4 you do he just wants to control you and wont stop until you give in everytime..... good luck

((Emmagrace)),

Welcome to PC. I agree with the other posters that you need to free yourself from this man, he is way too jeckle and hide, and abusive.

I will say for sure, what he is doing in front of your girls is really bad. If you stay with an abusive man like this, you will be sending a message to your daughters that it is ok to do that. You don't want them to live like this do you?

Biggie, your "six year old" daughter stood up for you, HUGE MESSAGE. If a child makes a stand like that, then that is all you need to "go". This child sees you as the victim you are and took it upon herself to stand up to this large mean man, WOW.
Children, especially a child that young should "never" have to make a stand like that.

You need to think about how you can take care of you and your girls and get out. Otherwise you are going to teach your two girls "how to be victims". It isn't fair to you or your girls to put up with this "toxic, abusive," man.

(((Caring Hugs)))
Open Eyes

OMG!!!! I literally got out of the exact situation minus the kids and he broke up w/me and moved a girl in w/ him who was supposed to be my best friend.ne way.she was there 3 wks living w/ him.she packed all her stuf y day n left him while he was at wrk.i was the 1st person he called cuz he has no one else it was me and him for 4 yrs no other
friends ect...he always comes back and its ok for a week or so then all the BS starts all over again.He calls me crazy everything u said he does to u is the exact stuff he did to me,i kno its painful believe me however ur way better off w/o him and so r ur kids leave and stay away be for the kids get damaged. best of luck and stay strong dont let him treat u like crap u deserve much better xoxoxox

You do not need to be perfect to deserve not being emotionally abused.

You just need to be a human being.

Yes, leave.

He is emotionally abusive, perhaps financially abusive. Calling you names in front of young children is not healthy for them.