[wi_fighter]

I'm wondering who else feels the same way as I do on this issue.

If you have vastly differing views regarding politics and religion, it's probably not going to work out. Sure, Maury Povich and Connie Chung made it work, but they're probably the exception. Same with Maria Shriver and Ahnold.

Guys just don't want to respect my stand on that position. This one guy who contacted me is older than I'm looking for, is conservative, a Christian, attends services at least monthly, lives much further away than I'm looking, is a salesman (which shows in his pushy tactics to try and get me interested in him and agree to meet), and he keeps saying he's sexy. Well, I've seen enough pictures of him on his profile to know he's not sexy in my opinion. I absolutely cannot stand guys with three-day growth from their top lip to the bottom of their neck. If I want my face perpetually scraped up, I'll curl up with a sandpaper-covered pillow every night.

But that's going off topic. I have firm boundaries regarding what I consider the two major deal breakers. Shouldn't they be respected? I've even gone so far as to block the guys who won't respect me on that issue and keep pushing me to give them a chance.

Do I have some bizarre opinion about this, or is it normal to want to be involved with people who share common beliefs in these two areas?

[bebop]

having things in common is the key!! you must have things in common. stick to your boundries!!!

[Lexicon78]

I think that it's great that you're questioning this very thing! I know I need someone who has things in common with me and won't judge me on my beliefs and what I'm against or for.

[jennie]

Opinions on religion and politics must be "respected." Maybe you don't want to argue? That's okay. You just find someone who doesn't want to argue with you on the issues; that's respect. Maybe you want to "share" common beliefs. That's okay, too. You just find someone with similar beliefs. Hopefully, you don't have unique beliefs.

One note, to get respect, you gotta give respect.

For the longest time, I didn't respect other people's values in religion. I was *certain* I was right. BOY WAS I WRONG! I'm glad I learned to be more open to others' ideas. I've found a wealth of love by doing so. (I don't have to agree with others, but I can share in relationships without being defensive or condescending.) Learning to respectfully discuss disagreements is so fulfilling. You just gotta find the right partner.

[wi_fighter]

Jennie, I'm not certain I'm right at all. I just know my beliefs fit what I've always felt my entire life, even as a child. When someone is a die-hard Christian and insists I will burn in hell for all eternity for my belief system, we're not going to get along.

When a political party that says I, as a single parent, cannot properly raise my children, or that some of my closest friends are amoral/immoral because of their sexual preferences, we're not going to get along.

When that same person thinks art and music programs should be removed from the school system, when those are the things that actually keep my daughter interested enough to go to school, we're not going to get along.

So it's more than just minor differences of opinion. It's the BIG stuff.

See where I'm coming from?

I don't argue with these people. I respectfully tell them that, after reading their profile, I don't feel we would be a good fit. If they push it and tell me "but I'm great and sexy and funny, don't worry about that other stuff" that's when I start to get pissy. I told this one guy repeatedly that he just wasn't going to be a fit, (no matter how hard he sold himself). He told me no less than three times that he's a sexy man, even has it listed in his headline. Dude, if you have to TELL someone that you're sexy and not let them decide for themselves, that's really a turn off. I almost felt like I wasn't allowed an opinion, like my not liking him wasn't good enough. There had to be a REASON. Yes, I had plenty of reasons - age, location, looks, religion, politics, career. Not a whole lot to draw on if those criteria aren't met. He got upset that I listed all of his "negatives" in one sentence. Well, honestly, I wasn't seeing any positives. He was being pushy and a bit condescending, but I stood my ground and didn't get all triggery like I would have in the past. I'm proud of myself for that.

[jennie]

Oh, I agree . . . religion, politics, schooling, lifestyles ARE the big stuff, like you said.

I'm biased. I have a negative view of men, in general. But, there are some men that are the exception to my rule. My hubby is a good example. We disagree on so many things. I like being able to argue with him (if he lets me). Religion and politics are two areas that we are very similar. Good thing. Although I'd still probably be with him if we disagreed completely on those issues . . . I'm sure it would make difficult some things, especially how to raise our child. In many other aspects, my hubby and I are opposites . . . yin and yang . . . his weaknesses are things i'm good at and my weaknesses are his strengths. together we can do anything!

Maybe find a middle-ground kind of guy? Someone that doesn't have strong feelings about religion and politics but respects your feelings?

there really isn't a perfect relationship out there. if you find a person that respects you and takes care of you and loves you unconditionally . . . then you've hit the jackpot. all the other stuff can be worked on together.

i tend to fall for guys that want to be my friend first. he should want me to be happy. if a relationship develops later, then you know it was based on solid ground.

[Maven]

I can't stand any guy who's pushy, for any reason. I used to take the bus to places anywhere in-between my home and Atlantic City, and AC itself. I met some real freaks (male and female). That's not to say everybody who takes the bus or lives in or near AC is a freak...I like to think the majority aren't. I'm just saying, I had a lot of experiences with the weirdos. One time, I was walking to work, and this guy started talking to me. I was absolutely not interested, and I had a boyfriend. I was really nice at first, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. I started telling him to leave me alone, and he began putting on a display, making it look like I was a b**** and not giving a decent guy a chance. "Aw, baby, why you gotta be like that?" he said. I was on the verge of calling the police when he finally backed off.

I don't want a boyfriend who is extremely different than me, especially in religious/non-religious views and politics. Some differences are ok; too alike, and it gets boring. Too different, and it might be boring, but also might be constant fighting. I can debate online anytime, and there are plenty of people in real life I can debate. I don't want that with my guy.

That said, my current boyfriend is a Lutheran! He was originally a non-practicing Catholic, then decided to try out different churches, and settled upon Lutheran. I'm agnostic and a freethinker. I don't have a problem with Christians, but I find many (not all) to be bullies, because they have the majority religion. I also find a lot of people of other religions and non-religions who are pushy about their beliefs. I push back when pushed, and I generally speak up when I think things aren't equal, fair or right (although I do pick my battles). Anyway, my bf isn't pushy, and he doesn't have the same kinds of beliefs as I've usually found in Christians, so we get along, for the most part. That said, we differ in beliefs quite a bit, too, and I will separate from him when I'm able.

There's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to be similar to you when it comes to beliefs and politics. I don't want to argue with my romantic partner over such things. I want someone who will support me and go along with the things I stand for.

I've had guys respond to personal ads who felt that I should give them a chance, even though their beliefs were vastly different than mine, and they kept pushing. I consider it a waste of my time, because I just wouldn't get along with such a guy as more than a friend, and maybe not even that. And I generally don't want to be friends with a guy who's pushy, even if it's just for friendship.

Another thing about personals is, I read an article that said men usually don't read past the second line. I'm not generalizing, just stating what the article said. It might be true of women, too. In any case, I believe it. I can't tell you how many responses I had from people who obviously hadn't read my ad. They see the pic, maybe the first line of the ad, and then they reply.

You deserve respect, wi_fighter, and you deserve a guy who shares your beliefs, so stick to your guns.

[JustBen]

You disagree with him on things that are important to you, you dislike his attitude, and you don't find him attractive. So no, I don't think there would be anything abnormal or bizzare about taking a pass on this one.

[Hopefull]

I think that it is the big beliefs that I would like to have some agreement in. I want to marry a Christian. I would prefer that he be a moderate rather than a conservative. I tend to run into the ultra conservative men through my on-line info and weirdos on the bus. So, I think you are within your rights to prefer someone similar to you. I do hope that you give them a chance before you conclude for them what they believe though. Many Christians don't believe what the loud mouthed conservative Christians believe.

[Maven]

That's really good advice, Hopefull. I know people who are the same religion (or non-religion), who don't believe the same things. Sometimes, they believe the opposite of each other.

For instance, there are Christians who believe you shouldn't have sex before marriage. I'd guess that most Christians believe that. But there are also Christians who perhaps think it's okay, or at least, they might think it's a sin, but because they aren't perfect, that it's okay to do so. How a person interprets their beliefs is between him/her and God.

[Sujin]

I think you are right to feel as you do, Wi. I think it's fine to have different interests as far as music, sports, hobbies, stuff like that, but when it comes down to bigger things that people feel really strongly about (like politics and religion) then it's better (in my opinion) to share the same beliefs. These guys sound like jerks! I hope you find one that shares the same values that you have, and who respects you and your beliefs. Good for you for being so strong and for sticking to your guns!

Love,
Sujin

[wi_fighter]

I messaged a guy that sounded like we'd be a good match, even though he's over 2 hours away and is looking for someone within 25 miles. So far we have the same views on the important things, plus he has a 19-year-old son with similar problems as my daughter. He said he's so tired of hearing "my son, the doctor" stories at work. He goes "well, my son's a slacker." LOL

I don't want to get my hopes up on this one, but I don't want to come across as too cautious either.

on the religion, politics, etc. i have a profile on Care2. it's an activist group. it's liberal. i'm liberal. i received two HATE messages from men that informed me that if i wasn't a bleeding heart, they'd like to date me. it isn't even a dating site. i wrote back, "when pigs fly"........

[valexand]

This post caught my interest. My relationship crashed and burned because of our belief differences. Through my family I was raised a Christian. Can't say that I am a religious person but I do respect certain things. If I ever have kids I would also want to teach them everything that I was taught regarding Christianity. My ex-"love of my life" is an atheist. He was raised in a communist country and therefore had no religious guidance by his parens. He claims that he is proud that his parents raised him like this. The wierd thing is this: I totally respected his choice of atheism, yet he never respected my Christianity. He would see a couple of icons on the wall in my room and he would feel uncomfortable. Honestly, he reacted very bad towards anything "churchy". He didn't agree with a wedding. Didn't agree with baptism for the kids. Didn't agree with having Christmas nor Easter. I told him that raising that type of family is unfamiliar to me. I don't know how to be that type of person and don't agree with it either. This way of living would disconnect me from my own family as well, as he also didn't agree with family gatherings. He didn't used to be this way. He developed this extreme way of being through our 4 years together. Anyway, with great ease he decided to "let me go" cause he could not agree with my idea of raising a family with weddings, baptisms, Christmas and Easter. I am still crushed by all of this. I did love him, even though he had so many quirks. The question is...did he actually did me a favor by breaking us up? Was he able to have a clearer view of how our lives together would be like? Was he able to see misery in the future? I loved him so much that I am still not able to see the possible problems. What bothers me though, is how incapable he was to respect the part of me that was associated to religion. I guess his "love" for me wasn't as strong as mine was. Maybe this is something that derives from religion: being able to be selfless enough to love somebody this much. I don't know. As I said, maybe he did indeed do me a big favor by leaving.

[desirae]

I think what is most important is not necessarily the same beliefs on politics and religion, but the open mindedness to have other types of beliefs in your relationship. Like for example my husband is a Bush lover, and I'm the total opposite, either we avoid the topic, or we have a respectful and honest debate. When it comes to religion, he's never told me what he believes, but he knows I'm atheist and is okay with that. It can work, it just depends on what you can tolerate.

[Maven]

Religion doesn't make you able to love deeper. Sometimes you love someone more, that's all. Many non-religionists feel bullied by Christianity or other major religions, because some members of those religions are bullies. They may be less tolerant of having it in their personal lives. Likewise, there are atheists and other freethinkers who are hostile to all Christians or members of major religions because some of the religionists treated them as second-class citizens.

Des, I think people of different politics and religion can get along, but I don't think that's most people. I, too, am in such a relationship; my boyfriend is Lutheran, and I'm agnostic. He's likes Bush a lot more than I do. We get along, but I eventually want to find someone who shares my political and non-religious views (or close to them), because I don't want to debate these things at home, and I want to be able to vent frustrations on these topics with someone who agrees. I can debate online and with people outside my home; I just don't want it in my home.

[wi_fighter]

Yep, Maven, that's how I feel too.

My ex was a major conservative. He didn't even want me vote if I wasn't going to vote the same as him. He didn't want me to "cancel his vote out." Sheesh.

I got a reply from someone who goes "I read every word of your profile. I'm intrigued. Let's chat." Well, obviously he didn't because in the first three lines I had written that they had to respect my criteria regarding religion and politics and if I replied that we weren't a match to please not be offended. He was conservative and attended Christian services weekly. I replied with one of the Yahoo pre-written courtesy replies saying "Thanks, but we're not a match." This SUPPOSED Christian wrote back "Good luck, bit ch. You're going to need it. I wouldn't want to date someone who's going to judge me before they even know me, anyway."

A little hypocritical, are we?

It doesn't matter now, because I've met my ultimate match and things couldn't be going better. Even his daughter has said we're good for each other and she wants to see us together for a long time.

[Maven]

That's wonderful, wi! As for that IM-er, there are a lot of freaks on the Net. You ran into one of'em! LOL!

[razeljenny]

I got serious for 9 years with a man with the same type of religion and it was rotten. A good match has to bee sooo many things.