I would like to ask for some opinions with regard to what, or how much, we owe our spouses, or other significant persons, in our lives. I have major depression (bi-polar?), generalized anxiety disorder, I also have self-abusive behaviors & have made several suicide attempts (been hospitalized twice.) I also have what is sometimes referred to as "gender Identity disorder". Needless yo say, all of this causes me to have some on-going day-to-day & even hour-to-hour problems in my life.

My wife, who is just wonderful to me in every other way, just wants to pretend that none of this exists & that, instead, I'm just an everyday sort of normal older guy. As a result, there is no meaningful discussion that occurs with regard to my "problems"; and I, in an effort to comply with her desires, try to keep all of my problems as hidden as possible in order to maintain the ruse. But, needless to say, I often feel like a pressure cooker that is about ready to explode! And sometimes I do for no really good reason.

When this happens, my wife takes the attitide: "why do you have to get so upset? You don't get upset at me when I do something like that." Of course the reason I get so upset is because my insides are, like I say, a pressure cooker all of the time & so any little thing that happens tends to set me off. For example, if I drop something & break it, I will get angry with myself & start berating my clumsiness & yelling about how useless I am, etc. Then, I gradually settle down & it's back to "normal". I call it our "don't ask, don't tell policy." She doesn't ask & I don't tell."

I allow this situation to continue because I love her & I know how much she loves me & is dependent upon me. (Neither of us have any other family left.)
So I don't want to do anything that would cause permanent damage to our relationship. My occasional outbursts aren't fun, but they don't cause any long-term damage.

So, with that as background, my question is: how far should a person who is mentally ill be expected to go in order to "protect" a spouse or other significant person from the reality of living with / being attached to a person who has a mental illness? How much pressure & distress should a person with mental illness accept in order to spare loved ones the distress of having to deal with the realities of the person's mental illness, if the person were to let it all "out"?

Thank you so much for your comments!

[IceCreamKid]

I hope this helps, but first a question. You indicated your outbursts don't have any longterm damage. Do you mean for yourself or for your wife? I would find it very wearing to have to listen to my spouse carrying on even if it were not directed at me.

It sounds to me like you need an outlet for your concerns. Have you looked for a group you might join just to talk? If there is none, could you found one?

I think we "owe" our loved ones respect at the very minimum and that we should not impose issues "that we cannot help" if the truth is that we really can, but we have chosen not to seek help for those issues.

In sickness and in health is part of what I think of as the traditional marriage vow; it is between the two of you to decide if it is/was part of yours.

[IowaFarmGal]

Maybe some marriage counseling would help the two of you work out something that would benefit both of you. Giving you an vent for your pressure cooker and her some guidance about your needs and how to help. Maybe she thinks it's helpful to keep "positive" about things and doesn't realize she's bottling you up. I wish you both well and hope you can find a workable compromise.

[shezbut]

I do like the idea of you attending a support group regularly, to help you get some of these emotions out ~ rather than bottling them up inside of yourself. Perhaps you can also see a T every week or so as well.

I don't think that you should have to feel that you must repress all of the changes that you'd like to make. Maybe a couple of the changes can be worked out, with your wife, in a kind give/take manner. Discussing options like these with a T would be helpful, in my opinion. As they could give specific or vague directions on how you should bring this topic up with your wife...and you take it from there.

In the end, you are both very important to one another in your relationship with one another. The best way to improve your relationship is through honest communication ~ listening, and talking kindly (without attacking one another). It is not an easy pattern to begin, but it does become much easier to do the more often that you do it.

Best wishes to you both!