[Soonue]

I'm just over 20. I graduated college early and have a well paying job. Through a miracle, I convinced my parents to let my boyfriend to move in, and we were both very grateful and have made sure they know this, offering to pay rent (though the offer was refused), picking up extra chores, paying our own expenses. My parents have been controlling my life as long as I can remember, and for the most part, it was fine. They gave me advice on college and stuff like that. It was helpful, even though I did find their restrictions (curfew of sunset, no friends they don't approve, must tell them when leaving the house, tracking my paychecks, etc) irritating, I accepted it as a condition of living in their house. I've been saving for down payments on a house since my boyfriend moved in (just before getting my job). My parents have consistently "borrowed" money from my savings with promises they'd pay me back. They didn't pay it all back (I won't argue that since we aren't paying rent). But when my mother yelled at me for not having a certain amount of money saved, that was the last straw. Since he moved in, they've been different. In the past, they were physically and mentally/emotionally abusive. That had slowed down, but since he moved in, it has gotten worse than it ever had been. So now for my dilemma. I've been house hunting for a month or so now, and I've found my dream home. It's affordable. I made an offer. but ever since I started the hunt, my parents have been trying to get me to move into a particular type of place, and mostly very near them. I don't want that. The place I'm looking at is great, but they believe any house older than 10 years isn't worth looking at. This place has had everything about it replaced and remodeled within 10 years, but it's an older home. They won't approve. But I already offered and haven't had them look at it at all (my dad insists on "inspecting" anything I look at. Basically, he wants to give an okay on only places he approves on). I am making my own decisions. I'm an adult, and I want to live in a place were I'd like to be and would be happy living in. My problem is, how do I tell them without making them hate me? Even though they've been controlling, I still love them both and would like to maintain a positive relationship if possible.

[Leed]

Honey, they've been controlling you all this time because you've ALLOWED it. You can't put all the blame on them -- if you had nipped it in the bud much earlier, you wouldn't have this trouble now. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Are you an only child? It sure sounds like it.

You're just going to have to REMIND them that you're over 20 yrs old, and you are an ADULT and LEGALLY able to make your own decisions and responsible for any decisions that you DO make. So you know that if you make any big mistakes, you'll have to face the consequences -- and I'm sure you've thought about that and mulled that over in your mind. And I'm also sure that you won't expect to run to your parents to bail you out of any big mistakes that you might make -- but no one expects you to make these mistakes. You have a great job and HOPEFULLY even if it doesn't work out with your bf, you'll STILL be able to make the house payments. I hope you've thought about that as well.

Just gently tell them you're an adult -- while you love them, they CANNOT continue to run your life anymore. They CANNOT continue to tell you what to do all the time, as you NEED and WANT to live your own life as you see fit. It's only fair and it's only RIGHT. So you would appreciate it if they would just ALLOW you to make your own mistakes and/or your own decisions and you'd like them to "back off." And reiterate that you love them, and don't want this to become an issue between you but you've GOT to live your own life.

They SHOULD be able to understand, if they look at this as adults and not pampering parents. It's time they let you grow up like a normal woman!

I wish you the very best. You have a great head on your shoulders, and it sounds like they did a good job. So i don't think they have anything to worry about. God bless and please take care! Hugs, Lee

I think its great that you're now making your own choice. And its also great that you want to maintain a good relationship with them. But I have to say that if they were mentally and physically abusive to you, you need to remember that you have been through enough with them. I just simply wouldn't worry about your house. They would have to be extreme to hate you, as you put it, over you buying a house - your house - without their permission. It may be a lesson that they need to learn to be honest, that you're now an adult, doing well, and making her own way in life. Sometimes you just cannot please everyone, and you should sometimes please yourself.... Hugs