[poptart316]

I just went on a date with this guy a few days ago and I really like him.. he's cute, nice, polite, and funny... but I can't stop thinking about how I'm not good enough or am boring and am really worried that he wont like me and I keep thinking I'm being annoying when I text him (I don't text him excessively). Also I feel like me just worrying about things is going to mess everything up. I also kinda don't want to hang out with him because I'm afraid I'll be nervous and say something stupid. How do I stop thinking this way?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by poptart316

I just went on a date with this guy a few days ago and I really like him.. he's cute, nice, polite, and funny... but I can't stop thinking about how I'm not good enough or am boring and am really worried that he wont like me and I keep thinking I'm being annoying when I text him (I don't text him excessively). Also I feel like me just worrying about things is going to mess everything up. I also kinda don't want to hang out with him because I'm afraid I'll be nervous and say something stupid. How do I stop thinking this way?

Plan to not talk too much but listen attentively. Then you won't have that much of a chance of saying something stupid, plus, people usually appreciate when you listen to them with attention.

That you do not text him excessively is cool. Great job!

Worrying about these things may mess everything up (may - not will, but may) and, for sure, is a waste of your time.

If he does not like you, you will deal with his not liking you when his not liking you manifests itself in some tangible way. Trying to deal with the possibility of his not liking you ahead of time is fruitless.

When you plan to get married, you should think in advance of what would happen if he stops liking you. This is because it would be consequential. So you should assess how litigious your possible mate appears to be, before marrying. The consequences of having a litigious soon-to-be ex spouse are severe. And there are many other bad things that can happen when a marriage is being dissolved (as 50% of them are). So you need to think about what would happen if you stop liking him, if he stops liking you, if you both stop liking each other, etc. That is not a waste of time to think of those things. It is actually quite rational.

When all that you have had is one date, his not liking you would not have severe consequences. You would be disappointed, perhaps, but you can deal with this disappointment when the time comes for it. There is nothing to plan or prepare for in advance.

So your attitude should be that of WHATEVER.

If he likes you, great. Whatever.

If he does not like you, that is not the end of the world. Whatever.

This attitude should help you more than trying to boost your self esteem would.

The WHATEVER attitude has many collateral benefits:

1) you would not be nervous
2) you would not be compelled to text much (you are already not texting much, which is great, but, just to mention, as an added benefit)
3) you would not be worried

[poptart316]

Thanks for the comments/advice.. I'm definitely not thinking about marriage at this point! but I would like a substantial relationship if it comes to that. I'm also well aware of the realities when it comes to marriage and divorced and wouldn't be surprised to get divorced at least once.

Having a "whatever" attitude is a good idea, but it's so hard sometimes especially with the splitting that comes with BPD.. he is a SAINT at this point.. and yes I know it's only been one date.

I just wish I didn't think so bad of myself to think I don't deserve love.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by poptart316

Thanks for the comments/advice.. I'm definitely not thinking about marriage at this point! but I would like a substantial relationship if it comes to that. I'm also well aware of the realities when it comes to marriage and divorced and wouldn't be surprised to get divorced at least once.

Having a "whatever" attitude is a good idea, but it's so hard sometimes especially with the splitting that comes with BPD.. he is a SAINT at this point.. and yes I know it's only been one date.

I just wish I didn't think so bad of myself to think I don't deserve love.

Oh, I did not realize that things are exacerbated by the BPD.

I think you are putting the cart before the horse, though, thinking about whether you deserve or not deserve love.

How about settling on something small - say, you deserve to have a nice night out with a guy?

Babysteps...

But surely I can see how the BPD would make it extra tough.

["Tilly may"]

he is just a person. Nobody is so important that it should make you feel like you are not good enough. Enjoy your dates and if he doesnt like you then move on.

[BonnieG2010]

you see all the perfections in him maybe because you see yourself so low.

Maybe if you would recognize the truth about yourself, the guy could seem less extraordinary and closer to you in many respects.

What you are doing is called sabotage: you are sabotaging yourself and the possible relationship that you want.

Why you think you don't deserve a good person in your life? have you ever asked this to yourself?

[poptart316]

Originally Posted by BonnieG2010

you see all the perfections in him maybe because you see yourself so low.

Maybe if you would recognize the truth about yourself, the guy could seem less extraordinary and closer to you in many respects.

What you are doing is called sabotage: you are sabotaging yourself and the possible relationship that you want.

Why you think you don't deserve a good person in your life? have you ever asked this to yourself?

I just don't I'm all that interesting and have a boring lifestyle and don't see why certain guys wouldn't date me.

It seems only ever want to date guys that I'm impressed with or like enough to where I can put them on a pedestal, and I think I'm doing it a bit with this guy.

I have abandonment issues from when I was a kid, my mom left her boyfriend (who was like a dad to me) and left me to be raised by my grandparents.. maybe I'm subconsciously reliving the situation in my relationships?

Things are going good so far.. although I think I'm giving him too much merit on him texting me and wanting to hang out with me.

I don't know how just be comfortable. : /

[poptart316]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I think you are putting the cart before the horse, though, thinking about whether you deserve or not deserve love.

How about settling on something small - say, you deserve to have a nice night out with a guy?

Babysteps...

I like this, thanks.

[manwithnofriends]

This may seem very unrelated but I've had self-esteem issues all my life. I think I have a poor attitude towards people and I'm too scared to go out into this seemingly dangerous social world. I don't know how many times my parents have told me off and left me in tears because I didn't listen to them - because of that I've found it difficult to connect with anybody, even my siblings.

(It seems paradoxical really; the telling off is supposed to stop me from making the same mistake but instead it makes me hide in a shell because I'm afraid of making that mistake)