[tokotoko]

Hey folks, I am going through a difficult time with my boyfriend since three months now and things aren't so great. Nothing is as was before. We are dating since more than 3 years now and we are in a long distance relationship so things aren't always smooth sailing but we made it through the years..its only as of january that things have gone bad..then he came home from university last month and while he was here things were better..now that he is back there..things are turning around again.
And now I am feeling really tired because my efforts are going down the drain..
Earlier, he used to make me feel like his princess..now forget being a princess we aren't even having healthy talks..I miss him pampering me..treating me the way he used to..complimenting me..I love him very much and I know he does too but I miss being comforted..I miss being loved..I miss being special..I want him to make me feel special..and he went through depression himself over the past few months..I got him out of it but in the process I think I started falling low..
I don't expect him to be on the phone with me all day..I don't expect him to pamper me the whole day round..
I just want to hear a few words of affection..am I asking too much?
Am I being needy?

I feel so lonely and neglected..don't I deserve a few words at least?

[hamster-bamster]

You are expecting a depressed guy to pamper you. You won't get far with it. This is just a set-up for disappointment.

Also, you are saying that:

"I got him out of it " - meaning, out of the depression.

I think you overestimate your powers and abilities. Read more on this forum. You will find that many well intentioned partners and spouses are having a really hard time trying to help their SO's/spouses shake the depression. I have never read of ANYBODY who claimed to have done it all on her own.

HOWEVER, if, by magic, you DO have the powers and abilities to get a person out of his depression completely single-handedly, then use your powers and abilities now to help yourself out of your state of being low...

On a more serious note, you do deserve a few words of affection, and more than a few words, but you just won't get them out of a guy who is so low. Giving affection requires energy, and depression is a low energy state. It is not his fault that he does not have energy now.

I hope that little by little things will return to the baseline state between you guys.

[hamster-bamster]

To the question in the title of the thread:

NO, you are not being needy.

need·y (nd)
adj. need·i·er, need·i·est
1. Being in need; impoverished. See Synonyms at poor.
2. Wanting or needing affection, attention, or reassurance, especially to an excessive degree.

You do not want anything to an excessive degree, so you do not qualify for the "needy" label. I disagree with the dictionary, that says: "especially to an excessive degree". The way this word is used in practice (and it is used widely), it ONLY refers to wanting excessive affection/reassurance/attention.

You do not want anything in excess. A few words of affection are not excessive. So no, you are NOT NEEDY. But please table wanting those few words of affection for right now, in order to save yourself more disappointment.

[tokotoko]

Thank you for your thoughts hamster.
I have pretty much been pampering myself since that time..yes I agree I haven't got him out of depression single handedly. I took the help of his friends and my mom too..and we worked through it patiently and he was perfectly fine with me while he was here. After returning there, he resumed to his routine life which was not proper since dec 2012 due to certain problems but now he is back on track since a month..he interacts with his friends alot more now..and I hear lots of chatter and laughter around him..which I am truly happy about because obviously I used to hate to see him depressed. He has a really lovable and jolly personality and he being low wasn't good at all. He taught me to face problems with a smile and because of him I am as strong as I am now.

I know things don't rapidly change..everything has a time period but I just wish we would talk the way we used to before.. and I want all those old times back.

I think one person can get a person out of depression - but it tends to be temporary, like a distraction and the underlining issues tend to be there ready to rear their ugly heads once again. My partner was very very low when we met, and just with our relationship and me being more bubbly, he told be I pulled him out of the depression. But it did come back because he never dealt with his own issues. He also stuttered until shortly after we met, and he told me he'd stuttered all his life. That, thankfully doesn't come back anymore unless really stressed out.

Going to Toko's post, long distant relationships are hard! I had one with my partner (200 miles away) for the first three years of our relationship. It took a heck of a lot of effort and trust. We used to send each other cards or CD's we'd put together, or silly gifts in the post to say we were thinking of each other. We'd talk on the phone. And we didn't stop that until I made the move to be with him (then, sadly, all the thoughtfulness seemed to stop when I moved in, the rotter!). I understand the need to feel loved, especially as he's the one away from home at Uni. But I personally think it's fairly natural for things to settle after a few years to more routine with each other. I know its a change that is a shame to have, but it does seem to happen.

Is he at an important stage at school? It could also explain some of the distraction, as it were, for him. I wonder that as you guys got on fine when he was home. And I know it sounds horrible, but he'd have made a life there without you in it day to day, so it can take over, if you know what I mean.

Is there a way you can rekindle some of the thrill? Do you send him nice things in the post? Can you go visit him at all? I was wondering if you can reach out to him in a fun, lighthearted way, rather than putting on the guilts or pressure. I am not saying you'd do this deliberately, but our body language or saying some things may do this without you meaning to.

The other thing I'd recommend is to keep yourself busy. Go see friends and have a good time. This may help with your own feeling of being low, take your mind off things and also as a side line, when you talk to him you'll be all happy and bubbly and have a ton of things to talk about.

I hope I've not said too much, am only going on my own experiences with long distance.

Hugs

["Tilly may"]

Who needs needy? I have a friend who is needy and it makes me want to stay away from her. Dont be needy it wont get you far in life. Why do you need to be pampered anyway? Ask yourself that. It doesnt sound healthy to me.
Its exhausting to have to pamper someone.

["Tilly may"]

Im sorry if I sounded mean. I just cant stand needy people. My friend is so needy and it gets me down. Its a burden. thats all, nothing personal to you, sorry.

[tokotoko]

Its alright tilly may..
no worries..

[Gloom]

Tokotoko, I know exactly what you mean. I'm just like you!

I'm an extremely caring and affectionate person and simply adore getting the same kind of affection and attention in return. It makes me feel loved and happy and that's how I express my love.

riotgrrrl is right. When the honey moon phase starts wearing out, the routine comes in and things aren't as amazing and wonderful as they were before. However, that doesn't mean attention and affection should disappear.

We should always be able to communicate our insecurities, fears and/or concerns in our relationships, and listen to our partners. Have you tried talking to him about this, in a respectful and calm manner?

[tokotoko]

Thank you for your reply gloom dear I hve tried talking to him about this in a calm manner..i asked himvwhat has been bothering him and that i am there for him to support but there isnt really anything wrong cause everything at his college seems to be okay.his friends are some of my very good friends so I speak with them too.
Anyway.. u know there isn't a fight goin on between us or anything..but our relationship seems to hv degraded from lovers to just friends because that is the way we now communicate and I have stopped asking him or even hinting at the subject of where is the love and affection gone.
May be he is bored of me now..after all these years..I don't know and like u and riotgirl said..once that phase is gone, everything changes. He still shows concern for me and says "love you" at the end of every phone call but to tell u the trutg that is literally beginning to sound like a ritual or formality rather than it comin from his heart..
I am losing hope and stopped expecting things altogether..

[Gloom]

Most people think that after the honey moon phase is gone, there's no way back, but that's not true. There are plenty of ways of bringing back the passion between two people in a relationship, but both need to work at it.

Things seem to be fine between you two, you're just missing those little things that tell the difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship. I completely understand because I, too, feel things like you, and need that kind of comfort too.

You can always try to be affective or try to revive the spark and see how he responds to it.