[Jenn1fer82]

Complicated friendship!!
Stage 1 - he was in love with me for over 5-7 years but I we always stayed as friends.
Stage 2 - Last year I finally gave our relationship a chance. I was so scared that I'll lose my bestfriend but I took that risk. We dated for about 1-2months and I couldn't stay with him because I couldn't risk losing my family either. My family wouldn't approve our relationship.
Stage 3 - After the break up we didn't see or talked to one another a for a year and 4 months ago we got back in contact.
Stage 4- He tells me he no longer loves me, he doesn't see me the same anymore. I miss our friendship so much, I miss the intimacy we once had.

I Just broke down a 10 year friendship and made it as simple as can be to understand the friendship. Just today Jay and I were spending time together like how we usually would do on his days off. Things got very intimate and well we had sex. He's feeling very stressed out because he knows he doesn't love me the same way and doesn't want to find himself viewing me as a sexual object. He said being friends with benefits will be very complicated because him and I already have our emotions involved in the past so it'll be difficult to figure out how not to get our feelings hurt.

All I could think about is wishing how things could go back to how things use to be for us. Maybe I am settling for the only closeness I can have with him when he's told me he no longer loves me. So where do I go from here? I'm clustered with so much emotions that I think straight anymore.

[Leed]

Hi Jennifer ~ I'm sorry this happened -- that you 2 had sex. That complicates things, and ALWAYS changes the friendship.

First of all, I don't know how old you are, but it WAS none of your familys' business whether you stayed friends or had a relationship or not. Why didn't they approve of your relationship? Because of them, your friendship was ruined and because of them, you didn't see or talk to each other for a whole year! That's ridiculous!

Secondly, when you do get back in contact, after awhile, you have sex! That shouldn't have happened -- and I know you know that. You can't get that closeness that you had by having sex. It always changes the 'friendship' and many times ruins it.

I think you ARE settling, and in fact you're letting yourself be USED. Please don't do that. It would be best if you two just parted ways and went on with your own lives. The "old" friendship is GONE. You're never going to get it back, honey.

It's time for you to look for someone who can REALLY love you as you DESERVE to be loved and cared for. Don't EVER settle, sweetie. By doing that, you're selling yourself. You WILL find someone who genuinely loves you for YOU. Please take good care of yourself and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Leed

First of all, I don't know how old you are, but it WAS none of your familys' business whether you stayed friends or had a relationship or not. Why didn't they approve of your relationship? Because of them, your friendship was ruined and because of them, you didn't see or talk to each other for a whole year! That's ridiculous!

Indeed... the root cause was the fear of disapproval by the family, and, since the friendship/relationship is 10 years old, you are not THAT young. So you should not be guided by the fear of disapproval on the part of the family. If you are still guided by it, you should change that, before another potentially good relationship is ruined by the fear of disapproval from the family. You probably cannot do anything to fix the current situation, but you can preempt future catastrophes by reconsidering your constantly deferring to the opinion of the family.

You may not be able to change how your family views / approves of your contacts, because you do not have control of the family. But you can control how you yourself act based on the fear of disapproval from the family - that part is within your conscious control.

I hope you become more independent soon!

Good luck.