the power & control wheel shows the various areas in which people can be abused. abuse can be emotional and verbal--it isn't just physical or sexual. the wheel gives specific examples of abuse in the following areas that are common in relationships:

possessiveness
minimization & blame
intimidation
threats
domination
humiliation
sexual abuse
physical abuse

i've posted this link before and am hoping it could be made into a sticky in this forum.

[NuckingFutz]

That would be cool.

[joycejames]

As long as there is love, it should not be a problem

Thanks for posting the link again, bloom.

[salukigirl]

Thanks for posting. I'm always struggling with knowing when intimidation is just joking around and when it becomes serious.

[1flagwriter]

Awesome! Thanks.

[perpetuallysad]

That is a good link! Reading through that I see that the relationship I had with my son's father literally had each of those characteristics! Thank goodness I realized it sort of quickly and got away from him a long time ago. Its still crazy to see it all written in black and white like that.

[littlecutebunny]

thanks for the post.....but i know its too hard to let go of someone you really love....

There's a difference between a healthy love and an unhealthy love. NOONE should put up with an abusive spouse, no matter how much they think they love that person- if their partner/lover treats them like such, then they obviously don't really love them. Pardon me if I sound upset, but it sounds like you're in favor of these controlling and abusive actions in a relationship?

Originally Posted by joycejames

As long as there is love, it should not be a problem

[studelit]

Thanks I'm a new member struggling sometimes with extreme verbals by my bipolar boyfriend. Lies, mental manipulation etc. I don't know how to respond to these situations with appropriate, defusing comments/talk. When he starts I don't know what to say, how to respond.

[studelit]

this is great but like a lot of these things there's no advice on how to deal with these things. What do we do, say, how do we respond when it starts?

[FeelingHopeful]

How long have you been together? That could play a part in how you deal with it. I also sometimes struggle with words.

[1924]

This is interesting

[misspretty]

I am confused with my situation...He makes the money, I get unemployment which doesn't pay for half of the bills we share. He has me sign my checks over to him and I'm left with nothing. I told him that I feel insecure of the fact that I give him my every last dime, but he insists that I must take part in our finances somehow. I told him to just add me to his bank account and he says no. So, is this controlling? or is this reasonable?

[sabby]

Thank you bloom3 for posting this wheel. In answer to a member's question about understanding and how to deal with power and control issues, I would like to add the following link which I think has a ton of great information for anyone who feels they are in an abusive relationship.

http://www.stanford.edu/group/svab/relationships.shtml

The first step to safety is knowledge. Be well everyone!


_sabby_

[Champagne]

It is difficult to see the abuse and power game when you start in a relationship. Both involved are on very best behaviour. We place ourselves in an ILLUSION that the other person is wonderful, and so I am wonderful to be seen too. Abuse begins when COMFORT in the relationship begins. Little things start to URK you or the other and then you hear the complaints. We need to be SERIOUSLY REFLECTIVE on the abusing words and actions of the other. Check your own truth. Are you really that bad or is the other having a BAD DAY and you are just the invisible wall they are chatting at or ARE YOU THE BLAME of their own ILLUSION. Warning though: IF you are bruised, battered, harmed and feeling like a rotten sick squashed insignificant tomato with or without the angry and crying all the time...... get out of the relationship. COLOR="Red"][/COLOR] It is time to to be quiet, be still, heal your body, soul and emotions. Discover your beauty inside and BELIEVE that beauty must be NURTURED and encouraged to be strengthened by you. When you know and BELIEVE you are beautiful inside, the right relationship will come who will help you KEEP that BEAUTIFUL YOU and Gently say I love you.

[Demelza Diva]

Thanks for this post. I'm in the throes of separating from an abusive husband. Yeah, 'only' verbal abuse, but just as damaging as physical in many ways. He has mental issues, that's for sure, but doesn't see a problem. Whatever, I'm done. I have done my damndest, given my all, to make this relationship work, to no avail. I have 'earned the right to quit the relationship' as Dr Phil says.
How can I stay married to someone who openly says to my son (from my previous widowed relationship) "How much would it cost me for you to NEVER come back home?"
Thanks again, this helps me stay strong in my resolve.
Lorri

[pocket21]

Originally Posted by joycejames

As long as there is love, it should not be a problem

Just because there is love, doesnt mean there won't be problems.
trust me hun ive experianced it myself.

[katkikgr]

hi everyone
I was with an abusive boyfriend for about 1 1/2 years. Reading the power and control wheel I recognised most of his behavior. I ended the relationship 3 months ago and in that time he never called me or came around to see me. Then I ve made the mistake to ask him back, thinking that it was my fault for the relationship gone bad. He came back totally different. Indiferent, incosinderable, uncaring, selfish... the totaly opposite from what he was at the beginning when he swearing that he loved me and that he was threatening to kill himself if I left him. I chocked him out for a second and final time. But why I feel so bad and sad? Is it because he left me and doesnt care anymore? I just need to understand why this is happening and move on with my life... it was the first time that something like that happened to me.

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

wow,very informative.it is hard to admit my own faults and to see the faults of your loved one.is it really love?

[AkAngel]

Originally Posted by joycejames

As long as there is love, it should not be a problem

Well, I for one agree. Though what passes for love sometimes staggers my imagination.

Originally Posted by AkAngel

Well, I for one agree. Though what passes for love sometimes staggers my imagination.

Oh, I heard THAT!

[bobbi416]

Thank you for this, but I guess the question is "Why do I attach myself to people whoe are abusive? On my 3rd marriage now, and have come to the conclusion I am better off "alone". All are/have been abusive and it has only made me sicker and angryer. So alone I should be, for all concerned.

[NuckingFutz]

Bobbi, I bet your past abusers didn't appear abusive when you first met them. Am I right?

[bobbi416]

Yes, that is very true, FUTZ