power & control in dating relationships

Have you read La Toya Jacksons new book called, "Starting Over"? It's a journey through her struggles of a nightmare marriage to her over controlling, life threatening, verbally and physically abusive husband/manager...she one day decided to look at her life from the end...she basically recreated her story and knew if she didn't carefully escape the horrendus situation, she might not get out alive.

Good luck to you, stay strong, let family in on it and get help asap!

I see no problem as long as you truly love someone... hbu dolls?

Hi,

I actually think I might be one of those controlling partners (please don't hate me for that) but I really do want to know if anyone has any ideas of how I can stop what I'm doing? I always feel like I have to be in control in the relationship and it's definitely not fair on my partner, I know I need to change, but how?

@Lablove... it's easier said than done. You may say anyone with an abusive spouse should leave.. but it's much more complex than that and everyones relationship is different. It's harder to leave than you think. Being in an abusive relationship is so incredibly difficult and sometimes you have to put up with it.. take for instance my situation... if you want more info read my post..

Missylove you are seriosly delusional.. ofcourse there is a problem... regardless of love

You've taken the first step: Admitting that there is a problem. I don't "hate" you for that. I applaud you. My first bit of advice, though, would be to not enter into a relationship until you have given up your need to control it. Which of course is easier said than done, because controlling behavior IMO comes from any of these places in your head:

1. Fear that if you don't run the show, things will go totally wrong "like they did before," and create a situation similar to one that threatened or intimidated you in the past.
2. Fear of abandonment if you don't keep your partner on a tight enough leash.
3. Counter-control in reaction to someone else controlling you.

I have my own issues here. There are times when I became the controlling partner, and all of these mindsets played into it. Especially the last one. Very often, the more controlled by someone else I felt, the more I would dig my heels in and insist on having my own way JUST ONCE.

I would say it is necessary to look at why the feeling that you need to control the relationship exists. Then ask yourself what might happen if you didn't control it.

There can be a problem despite love. Love should not restrict an adult's freedom, and certainly should not hurt. Love is not the only ingredient in the stew. While love is an important ingredient and should not be left out of the stew, I'm not even sure it is the MOST important. Many other things need to be included too, or else it is not a healthful stew.

By the way, I had to google "hbu". Once I got past "Houston Baptist University" (huh? ) I found it means "how about you?" Just a way of asking for other opinions.

Is it possessiveness to be teased that you're doing it with this one or that one - when you're so obviously not doing anything with anyone? Is it passive jealousy? or perhaps just stupidity?

Maybe if the person being teased thinks it's funny, it might not be a problem. The concern would be, teasing now can be screaming accusations later.

See they try to play it off as a joke but it's not funny, it's rude and untrue, and used as a buffer for their own indiscretions I believe. Very insightful of you about screaming accusations later - never thought of that. Perhaps their insecurities or indiscretions would proove too much to handle in the long run. thank you

Hey, PBJ, only saw this now. What you describe is classic projection. They accuse you of or imply you are doing what they, themselves, are guilty of or have been accused of. Usually this is not in the form of good-natured teasing. It is a defense mechanism to deny or deflect undesirable emotions, desires or feelings such as insecurity or shame. It is like they are spitting a bad taste out of their mouth and onto you. I experienced so much of that myself. Does that sound applicable?

@StrongerMan: It just comes out of the blue. They bring it up out of nowhere and try to play it off as good natured teasing. It's gotta be their guilt/shame for using me so - making me "wait and waste" while they "live and feed." They should feel guilt and shame. They are making a big mistake because of their own fears. I'm getting stronger each day and will move past this mess. They will have lost their greatest love, a sparkling fulfilling life, and spend the remainder of their existence floundering, flitting, and yearning for more too weak to take the chance - and possibly too cruel to deserve it. Maybe it's fate smiling on me.

Many refer to these people as alien-like. Inhuman. Pod people. You cannot reason or bargain with them. You cannot teach them your human ways. In fact, they speak an entirely different language than you or I. They can't understand us. But they initially come in peace and will offer us a book... "To Serve Man"... it's a cookbook.

P.S. These aliens only think they are more advanced than us. But they lack the ability to feel and love. The safest bet is to NOT get on their spaceship at all. Hard to do because it looks so big, shiny and new. But if you have, jump off at the nearest galaxy. We'll pick you up there.

I can't wait to get off this ship and back to mother earth!

You're closer than you think, Pickles.

That isn't always true especially in my situation...

I was thinking of the accusations of unfaithfulness, even when said in jest.

In a report on abuse, I read about a seminar where hundreds of women were being studied. All were in, or had escaped, abusive relationships. The group was asked the question, "How many of you have been accused of cheating?" Every hand in the room went up, although only one or two of the women actually had cheated. (And I must point out, even for the women who did cheat, this doesn't give their husbands or boyfriends the right to punish them physically for it.) Accusing an innocent partner of cheating is one tool in the abuser's box, and apparently a very commonly used one.

It can work both ways, though. What I've come across myself is, I've asked him about suspicious behavior and got a hurt reaction along with a lecture on how important trust is in a relationship. "When you love someone, you have to trust them. If you don't trust me, I don't know what it is, but it isn't love." I was made to feel like cheese for my suspicions, painted as insecure, neurotic, possessive, controlling, etc. But then it later turned out he was, in fact, cheating.

You see, they know how to turn it around on us, and make us feel like WE are the abusers and THEY are the innocent victims.

Power and control is abusive in any relationship whether it be love, work or friendship.

Thank you it would appear that i am chronically doomed to be in these obsessive relationships where I am constantly dominated and made to believe that I am incapable of anything better granted it is easier to say it than to really do anything about it.. I am constantly being put down or ridiculed in my relationships first with my exhusband who never took fault in anything physically and mentally abused me for 14 yrs and now in my present relationship where the man with holds sex, and now upon further searching has been looking into fertilization and ovulation calendars knowing very well that I refuse to have another child after my child with my ex has severe medical issues and I am not willing to put another child through that kind of torture.. I think its time i get my tubes tied..

This is a great link! Thank you for sharing this resource. It is extremely important to recognize when you are compromising your integrity for your relationship! Many partners are well-intended in each individual circumstance, but, over time they can seriously compromise their personal integrity, and then silently hate their partners for accepting their sacrifices.
If you can recognize yourself in these repeated, painfully compromising situations, your relationship will eventually suffer. Your cumulative resentment creates a gunnysack of future ammunition. That suppressed resentment may escape when you least expect it, perhaps over a seemingly innocent conflict that doesn’t deserve that level of negativity. If your partner has not realized how you have been hurting yourself to get what you want, he or she will not understand your reaction, and may pull away, causing you to sacrifice again to regain the intimacy you’ve lost.

i have been seeing a guy who has a girlfriend almost 3 years i been trying to break it off with an understanding i told him i met someone he asked if we have had sex i told him no he told me that i shouldnt move in with him i should always be alone i wanted us to get our last hug and kiss but he said he wanta do that when he is ready im just confused can i get little help

My girlfreinds therapist suggested at I am a verbal abuser. Never called her names but seems to think I manipulate with words. So She has decided to end relationship. I am ready to do so also. What is the best way to end it. I prefer to not have any form of contact till things cool down. (because she has been showing up at house unannounced). I dodnt want to be accused of mental games or further abuse. PLEASE ADVISE I FEEL THAT I CANT DO THE RT THING.

Thanks for this it's given me a lot to think about!

In order not to be accused of mental games, I'd say the best thing to do is take a direct approach and use a lot of I-statements. "I don't think we should see each other anymore, and I have to ask you to please not come to the house unannounced. Since our relationship is over, I don't want to discuss it." Say it in a firm but level voice, without yelling.