[abbidy]

Hey,
My mother-in-law hates me, I'm pretty sure. She is so attached to her son, and she is constantly gossiping about me, making up rumors, and who knows what else. My husband is constantly trying to placate her behaviors. To just make her happy, he's afraid of her basically. She runs everyone's lives, and calls us up to 5 times a day, for no reason. She is so cruel sometimes to me, and undermines our marriage, by the things she says to us, and about us to other people. I am so frustrated with her! She had the nerve to ask how our sex life was! She really wanted to know if her son was good in bed! She says mean things about my mom to my face, like how she's so thin, (my mom is an athlete, and very strong,) so she must starve herself. My mother in law is a large woman, so she gets really weird about my mom and her body. The list goes on ten fold. What am I supposed to do with this interfering mother in law?

[Rapunzel]

That's not an easy situation to deal with. I know it's easier said than done, but you are going to have to set boundaries and enforce them. She apparently has big problems with boundaries. Try to remember that her problems are about her, not about you. Being raised by her, your husband probably needs to learn how to establish healthy boundaries too.

When she does things that bother you or make you uncomfortable, she is crossing your boundaries. She doesn't have the right to do that, and you need to find a way to let her know that she is crossing a boundary. You can set limits, such as a maximum number of phone calls per day and let her know and don't answer the phone (caller id?) when she exceeds it. When she talks badly about someone, you can say that you would rather not hear things like that, and refuse to listen, even walking away if necessary. Of course you don't have to answer her inappropriate questions. She almost certainly won't like it when you start setting limits, but what would you prefer? Be disliked by someone like her, or have her continue violating your boundaries?

When your husband keeps placating her out of fear, ask him what is the worst she can do, and how long can she keep it up if he refuses to give in?

[OneAndMany]

Excellent advice. I am working on setting more appropriate boundaries with my own parents right now. I'm 36, married, have a daughter and I still don't have boundaries with my parents that work (until now that is).

Elizabeth

[AngelwithOCD]

((((((Abbidy))))))

I'm sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this situation, I understand how you feel, as I have been there. In my opinion, you should have a sit down talk with your husband and let him know how you feel. Let him know that you do not feel that it is appropriate for his mother to call your home five times a day, make rude comments about your mother, and ask about your sex life. Let him know that this makes you really uncomfortable and it needs to stop.

While he cannot control his mother's actions, having him talk to her about all of this would probably have more of an impact on her than if you talked to her yourself. Before he has a talk with her, though, you need to make sure that he feels the same way that you do on these issues, or him talking to her about it is not going to do any good.

If your husband cannot/won't agree with you, and cannot have the talk with his mother, then you should do it. Let her know that you want to talk to her, and invite her over for lunch. Over lunch, tell her that when she calls five times a day and asks questions about your sex life and makes comments about your mother you feel that it is inappropriate, and you would appreciate it if she would please stop.

Let her know that if she refuses to stop her rude behavior, you will stop answering her phone calls every single time she calls. Tell her that she will have to call before she comes over to your home, to make sure that she is not interferring with something that you have scheduled, and tell her that if she continues to make comments/ ask questions that are not appropriate you will no longer dignify them with an answer.

I know it is hard, but in order for it to stop, sometimes you have to let her know these things so that she is aware that you have boundaries, and that you will not allow her to cross them. She needs to see that you are a strong willed person, just as she is, and this is your home and your marriage and family to deal with, not hers.

In other words, try to find a way to nicely tell her to butt out.

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Take Care,
Angel

[OhWhyNot]

I know what you are going through I am going through the same thing with my MIL. My husband on the other hand has chosen to see her for what she is. He is standing by me and our children, We don't talk to her anymore. Our family is happier and healthier since she is out of our lives. good luck with you situation.

[January]

((((((((( Abbidy ))))))))))))

I highly suggest that you take your husband and go to marriage counseling. He needs to know that his first responsibility is to you.

I wish you the very best.

Jan

[seeker1950]

The responses are all great advice. In my marriage of 20 years, however, my husband never, I mean NEVER, would hear me regarding his mother's behavior toward me. I suffered insults and alienation for about ten year, and then a light bulb came on and said "hey" you don't have to be around them...so I didn't!
I hope your hubby is receptive to placing your relationship first. Mine was not!
Patty

[pammie]

Abbidy, I feel your pain as I am experiencing big MIL problems too. Your MIL is out of control. Buy the book " The Dance of Anger " by Harriet Lerner. I bought it before I even married my DH to help deal with his lack of boundaries and my MIL interfering and madening behavior. Let me know how you make out with the whole situation. Good Luck.