[dancesingfloss]

hi all.

i have just been dumped. it was sort of an unhealthy relationship and even though i'm depressed and feel horrible about myself and the situation, i'm trying to figure out what went wrong.

i realize now that i had an unhealthy obsession with my boyfriend. he's even told me in the past that he thought i was obsessed with him. i would call him everyday, want to see him everyday...basically my whole life was him. if i wasn't around him, i'd feel like i'm abandoned and it would worry me.

i met this guy after i moved for residency and when i didn't really have too many friends. even now, my friends are limited and i think i depended a lot on him for my happiness. he was also my source of stress release, which ended up in a lot of fights, arguing and yelling. i'm 28 and i only had 1 serious relationship before him. i have also had a pretty messed up childhood...my parents always fought and there was a lot of violence and abuse growing up. i saw my dad abuse my mom pretty badly. i have also been molested a couple times when i was younger too (not by my dad though).

i went to see a psychologist and therapist briefly, as the ex asked me to, and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. i was prescribed hydroxyzine for times when the anxiety got bad, like before my period. but i also figured out that a big source of my relationship problems is probably due to the exposure to the type of relationship my parents had. i am pretty much on non-speaking terms with my dad and i still don't like him for many reasons, mostly because of what he did to my mom but also because he would abuse me when i was little too. but i also think i have thing against men.

i absolutely loved my boyfriend, but there were some issues in general that i could never fix when i was with him. like feeling anxious when i was alone and then really getting upset other times. like i said, the residency didn't help either. it brought about a lot of stress and it was unlike anything i had experienced before.

so anyway, i just want to know...for future relationships, how can i learn to deal with these feelings that i have developed toward men because of my father? how can i not be so obsessed with future significant others and learn to develop my own self and person to be happier?

please help...!

Hello there and welcome to PC.

Sorry to read of your background. The only thing I can recommend if you can is to go back to therapy. Am glad that the brief sessions helped understand some of your problems, but perhaps it would be beneficial to keep working on it, perhaps some CBT. You've a lot of issues to work through with your childhood, and you had a really tough time to try and make peace with. Am sorry that these things happened to you.

I think its excellent by the way that you can hold your hand up and admit your obsession mistake, personally thinking that being able to admit something is broken is the most important step to fixing. It takes a lot of courage to admit fault. I think now that therapy may just be the helping hand you need to learn methods to cope and understand some triggers you may have so that the next time you have a relationship you'll be able to recognise some feelings and perhaps not act on them.

I also think that perhaps you should have a little break from dating. You already know its unhealthy to obsess and unhealthy to depend on someone for your happiness. Perhaps, if you do go to therapy, that you could also concentrate in making yourself happier in other area's. Going out with friends, making you own life more fulfilling and, well, basically having some independence so that you will not rely so greatly on your next boyfriend so heavily for your own happiness.

I do wish you very well, and I hope that you get some help soon.

Hugs.

[Scotty204]

I suggest you go back to therapy and focus on yourself. I strongly believe that once you take care of your issues first you will become a better potential partner down the road.

[RomanSunburn]

In addition to going back to therapy, I think there are other little things you can do as well.. like developing a hobby, maybe something that is enjoyable both on your own, but might also get you to meet other people. Or try taking classes just for fun. Find out the things that you enjoy and that make you happy.

Welcome to PC!

You sound fairly realistic and even-keeled...I am sorry this happened to you. I think the word "obsession" might be strong in your case...I think you are lonely and are looking for a way to find yourself and become grounded, and when doing so, you found happiness in/with another person, which is fairly common (especially if you are in a high-stress situation), I believe.
As usual, for a relationship to be truly healthy, you have to be happy with yourself first, which for a LOT of people is not easy. I do think you should consider continuing therapy (especially to deal with your childhood trauma...that is so, so much to deal with), and perhaps trying a stronger drug for anxiety. I know my friend takes a low dose of hydroxyzine for anxiety, but he is very sensitive to medication. I am a VERY anxious person, and I take hydroxyzine for my hives; it has never helped with my anxiety, and I am taking more than he is.
Keep working on yourself and maybe learning some tools to deal with stress, and I agree with RomanSunburn about finding a hobby and other things to do that make you happy (meeting new people you have things in common with would be great) ...that's part of making the "you" that will be ready when the next right guy comes along for you. I wish you well...I know you must be in pain right now, but I do think in the long run, you will be okay.
Hugs to you and do take care of yourself; get some exercise and talk to the friends you do have when you need to vent...and of course, we are always here.

[dancesingfloss]

thank you so much, you guys.

everyday is a battle for me. i've not only lost someone that i felt like would be "the one." and because of my issues. i have a hard time trying not to blame myself for this. well, i know he had some issues too so i suppose it's not all my fault. either way, it's hard.

maybe if he really loves me and it's meant to be, then it'll work out, huh? that's what i'm thinking at least.

well, i wanted to get some insight on this...
maybe i didn't go into much detail on this, but i have a lot of issues with the males that have been in my life. it's weird though because i've always felt more comfortable hanging out with guys than girls. but there have been horrible males growing up (dad and the guys that have molested me). and then this guy that i dated, whom i really loved and revolved my life around, but also made my enemy.

what is my issue with males?

[dancesingfloss]

to add to this, i was reading up online and i think i really had what's called "obsessive love disorder." is anyone familiar with it?

i get the general idea of it, but are the treatments the same as what's been mentioned in the previous posts?