[lilmoongoddess]

I am going through a breakup and having a really hard time with it. My ex tells me that he broke up with me because he can't handle my insecurities anymore. I need to tell my story to see what other people think. Was I too insecure or did he make me feel that way?

I met him at a bar one night and it felt right at the time. On the first day we hung out after meeting I told him about a past relationship where I was cheated on, so I told him I have trust issues (*red flag on my behalf*) but that I was looking for a committed relationship. He told me he "used to take summers off from work" and that he has a 10y.o daughter, but that he's looking for the same thing.

On the second time we hung out he invited me to his house for a party where I met some of his friends. At the end of the night him and I and two other couples jumped in the hot tub. I was tipsy and trying to flirt with him so I did a handstand with my legs in the air. One of the girls 'A' decided to take her entire bikini off and to climb all over the guy I was interested in. He pushed her off, but the weird thing was that her boyfriend 'P' kept trying to grab my butt. I felt very uncomfortable with the situation and later the guy I was seeing told me, don't worry, 'A' and 'P' are weird, they cheat on each other all the time and 'A' does really stupid things when she's drunk.

A month later we became 'official' and a few weeks later he said that he was going to come to my apartment but that first he needed to meet with some friends. I didn't hear from him at the time he said he'd be over, and he didn't answer my calls or my texts. I finally heard from him 2.5 hours later. He was drunk and came to my apartment and told me he wanted to tell me something but that I needed to trust him. He said he went out with an ex and some of her friends and when he drove her home she tried to invite him in for the night. He declined and told her he's seeing someone he really likes. I forgave him for that.

But then a couple weeks later we got in an argument and he stormed out of my apartment. He called me 30min later to say that his buddy wasn't home and that he wanted to come back. He also said, "I was gonna sleep at my ex's but I didn't!" I forgave him for that.

One day he mentioned to me that he had looked through my facebook to see if I was still talking to other guys (which I wasn't). I decided a few days later to look through his facebook and I found some messages between him and 'A' from a year before we met, with him saying "I can't stop thinking about your body" and "come over for dinner, no sex, just dinner." When I asked him about it he told me that there was one night where he "made out with her for a few minutes, but that was it." I told him I'm not comfortable with their friendship (they would text each other often) but he just said, "Well she's my friend."

He even told me he wanted to invite his ex to a party at our house one night. I told him that makes me uncomfortable.

I could never resolve those feelings of discomfort and I was dismissed any time I raised my concern. My insecurities over this girl got so bad after awhile that I started looking through his phone and even accused him at one point of thinking my friend is cute. One night we went out for my best friend's birthday party and he got so drunk. One the way home he made a passing comment about himself "looking good for the girls." When I asked him about it at home he completely lost it and started to destroy his kitchen. At one point he pushed me and flipped me off the mattress so that I landed on my new laptop and cracked the screen. The next morning he left the house and sent me a message saying he needs a break. I went to my sister's for a week and we chatted through text. I told him I knew it wasn't right for me to look through his phone or to accuse him of liking my friend. I also said I think the 'A' issue and the little comments needs to be resolved. He said we could give it another try as long as I knew what went wrong. There was no further discussion. He didn't think we needed to talk anything out still as long as I knew what I did wrong.

During the month of December I asked if we could exchange gifts for our first Christmas together. He agreed. Then on Christmas morning he told me he didn't buy me anything. When I cried he told me he wasn't going to my family dinner and locked himself in the bathroom. I had to beg him to come to the dinner.

Then in January he quit his job with no notice. I initially supported him. But then he would sit on the computer all night and sleep all day. I offered to help write his resume and to look for jobs. He also stopped helping out around the house. The odd time he'd cook dinner, but I did all the cleaning and laundry. I was also working full-time shift work and trying to write a master's thesis. I would ask him to help and he'd get mad and say I'm just looking for faults in him.

In the month of February I threw a bday party for myself. I chose the date that we had met the year before at the bar we had met. I told him how much it meant to me and our relationship. That night he couldn't find his ID, couldn't get in the bar, went home to look for his ID and messaged me 30min later to say, "It's okay babe have fun with your friends." The next day when I told him that really upset me he said he didn't realize it meant that much to me.

After 3.5 months of not working it really started to wear on me. One night I made the mistake of getting really drunk and said some mean things to him in front of some of his friends. The next day I felt terrible and apologized. A couple weeks after that I got drunk again and yelled at him for not helping to clean the house. Again the next day I felt terrible and apologized.

Then one night he told me he had to go to a strip club for a bachelor party. I got upset and quiet and didn't want to talk, but eventually I told him it makes me uncomfortable, but I didn't say he could not go. I had friends over the night he went out and kept myself busy. He was nice enough to call me while he was there to reassure me.

Then one day he asked me if I'd consider being in a threesome with him and another guy. I thought about it for a week and got really emotional one night and asked him how he could even want to see another guy have sex with me. He dropped it.

A week later he mentioned another bachelor party and I immediately assumed it was another strip club and told him again I'm not comfortable with it. He sat up that whole night and broke up with me the next day, saying he can't handle my insecurities and that I have issues. I had to move in with a friend and didn't hear from him for a week. When I did hear from him he was really mean and cold to me. But a week later he asked if I'd still sleep with him... saying he thought it was a good idea, that he missed me but didn't want to be with me... when I said no and that I thought he was being selfish he told me to get on with my life.

Was I being too insecure in this relationship? Or did I tolerate too much bad behaviour?

Please be kind in your responses.

[jadzea]

I don't think you were being insecure at all. I would say that you and he are at different stages in your life and want different levels of commitment from your relationships. You want an exclusive relationship where you act as a mature couple. He wants to be with you enough to live with you (I assume) and spend time with you but he still wants to be able to do his single guy thing. You came to understand that he does not want the same thing you do and moved on. Good for you. You cannot change him and are not wasting your time trying to do so. I hope you meet someone soon who is as ready for a commitment as you are and have a long, happy life.

[catsrhelm]

I vote that there was too much bad behavior. He is doing you a favor by breaking up with you. I know you can't see it now, but you will in time. In the meantime, read a lot of self-help books. One I recommend is "Are You The One For Me?"

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lilmoongoddess

Then in January he quit his job with no notice. I initially supported him. But then he would sit on the computer all night and sleep all day. I offered to help write his resume and to look for jobs. He also stopped helping out around the house. The odd time he'd cook dinner, but I did all the cleaning and laundry. I was also working full-time shift work and trying to write a master's thesis. I would ask him to help and he'd get mad and say I'm just looking for faults in him.

That paragraph alone means that you will be better off without him.

Originally Posted by lilmoongoddess

Then one day he asked me if I'd consider being in a threesome with him and another guy. I thought about it for a week and got really emotional one night and asked him how he could even want to see another guy have sex with me. He dropped it.

Please be kind in your responses.

I will try to be kind yet helpful. For the future, not with this man but with somebody else, if the man is suggesting a threesome with him and another guy (a guy - not a girl), and you do not want it, try phrasing your rejection of the idea in terms that would make your man feel favored and preferred. In practical terms, I would employ such tools as a sexy voice, sultry bedroom eyes, and the message I would try to get across is that of being content and happy with him ALONE and not wanting him to join forces with any other guy in a quest to give you pleasure because you do not want it, do not need it, and, instead, you only want him, and want him a lot.

That kind of rejection would have been received much better, I am sure, than what you did, because what you did was denying him the option of wanting what he wants. You asked how he could have possibly wanted to see another guy have sex with you. Well, since he said what he said, he clearly wanted to see another guy have sex with you, so you could have gently deflected the want (see above), and/or found out why he wanted it, but not telling him that he should not have wanted what he wanted, because people in general like to be entitled to their desires. People in general have a good understanding that their desires might not be satisfiable in reality, but they can and should be able to still have the desires.

Yet another compromise could have been to have regular one-on-one sex asking him to pretend that another guy was simply sitting on a chair next to the bed and looking/watching. Nothing but watching. What would have your man thought picturing another guy watching? etc. etc. Be creative and use your imagination - it is one of the key things that make humans human.

Back to the story as a whole - you are better off without him. That was just one tidbit that, in my mind, was mishandled.

Focus on the master thesis, your own friends, etc.

Good luck!

[catfan]

You are insecure, like me. Being with this man will only make that worse, it will not help you or build trust in him. He is showing a lot of behaviour that isn't making you feel special and loved.
Invest in someone that at least doesn't make you feel worse about yourself with his behaviour and with values you agree with.
Stay strong and stay with your own values in life, he is no match for you. Take care of yourself!

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[hannabee]

It's hard, from my perspective to be kind when it seriously sounds like you are being used and mistreated by this man. If you are getting a master's degree and he can't/won't get a job, I see only bleakness in your future. He's not good enough for you and you should be looking elsewhere. IMHO Hugs anyway!