[ImaG33k]

Good afternoon,

I hope you have the patience to read this all the way through. I would really like some helpful constructive advice.

About me. I was married for over 15 years. Got married at 19 to the first girl that let me have sex with her more than once. I mistook that for love. Within a month she cheated. Every time I would get deployed I would come home to another boyfriend. I didn't want to fail at marriage so I stayed. We had a child. She began to use / abuse alcohol and drugs. Infidelity continued. The last straw was my best friend. I filed. I have our son, the house, everything.

2 years past and I found the most amazing sweet woman I've ever known. I truly love this woman with all my heart. I proposed to her a while back and we've been planning our wedding. She never brings up her past but occasionally I can read between the lines and tell she was mentioning an ex. For whatever reason when I make that connection it quite literally makes me ill. It turns my stomach and I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. She's younger than me (5 years) beautiful and let's just say active and comfortable in her sexuality. Shes got experience with men and women. I love her. I know she loves me and wants to be with me and wants to marry me. I know I make her happier than anyone has in the past, she's told me so.

Here's my issue(s). It really does pain me to think about her past. Sometimes depending on what we're talking about it can be very erotic and turn me on. I have very limited sexual experience. I'm not terribly good with the opposite sex, a geek and introvert. I truly care about talking and getting to know someone. I'm very uncomfortable in my own skin. My ex used to berate me constantly so I think that has had some lasting effect. It took a couple of months to start getting comfortable sexually with my now fiance. Back to my issues, it does hurt to hear about it. She never brings it up, I pry and it comes up or I just read between the lines and it makes me sick. The other thing that bothers me is she has a great deal of experience and is amazing in bed. I want her to really open up and get crazy and tell me to do things I've never done before, tell me what she likes and doesnt and do new things. I'm so scared of falling into that rut where it's the same thing every time. I love this woman. The sex is always great but she's holding back. A couple of times she has really opened up and it was so amazing. I've tried subtle hints and she interprets it as complaining. I've never been much about sex but this woman stirs something in me that I can't explain. I want her, I need her, I love her and I want to tell her and show her constantly what she means to me.
My primary concern is how do I keep from hurting when I think about her past? It's real easy to say "just get over it, it was before you". You are absolutely right, it was before me, we are in love, she loves me and I should look past that. I totally agree, but it doesn't make the knot in my stomach go away. The sex stuff is a distant second. I love this woman and if something happened where we couldn't have sex the rest of our lives I would still love and want to marry this woman. She has the best heart.

I know this is rambled and all over the map. I apologize but appreciate any help / advice you can offer.

Thank you

[Leed]

Hi ~ The word "past" means: gone by, ended, over. That came out of the dictionary.

So HER past is gone by, ended, over -- and that's how YOU should think of it. It doesn't mean anything to her anymore. Put it OUT of your mind. Write it on a piece of paper and bury it in the back yard if you have to. That works for some people, believe it or not.

You cannot start a new, healthy marriage if you're going to obsess over her past. And if you can't let it go, then let HER go so she can find someone who won't judge her by her past -- and that's just what you're doing. You're JUDGING her. Her past has NO significance on the here and now. So why are you concerned about it? Like I said, if you can't let it go, then let HER go.

I wish you the very best. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[Confusedinomicon]

It sounds more like you're insecure about your sexuality which is leading you to almost be jealous she has experience.

Leed is right though.

Sex Therapy Exercises - Oprah.com

You might look into sex-therapy to help you express yourself in bed + make her comfortable enough to "unleash". It's almost like you're worried about her not being satisfied with you??

[ImaG33k]

I'm definitely worried about her not being satisfied with me. I'm extremely insecure. I think this is a product of having an abusive spouse for 15 years. And I can see some jealousy there I suppose. What guy doesn't want to have a lot of crazy sex stories? I can count my partners on a single hand. I married the first woman that let me have sex more than once and I'm engaged to the second.
I don't think I'm judging, I'm not angry at her or anything, I'm crazy about her. I think it's just the thought of anyone else turns my stomach. My brain seems to be selective in this though because sometimes the stories are pretty good and I just think "Man I want you to open that can of crazy on me" I know thats perverted and I'm sorry. I've never been a real sexual person. It was never fun, or about me, or enjoyable. With my fiance it's amazing. I feel connected, alive and comfortable and it just makes me want it more.
I don't make a big deal out of it or anything when the past comes up. I just silently cringe. At first I would change the subject or just do something else, I've gotten to where I will ask questions and it actually seems to help some.
I wish I could tell you that I will just let it go and bury it in the yard or something. I can tell you I've never made her feel bad about it and I never will. It's certainly her past and helped shape the amazing woman I love adore and appreciate so much. I think you are probably right in that this isn't about her and her past it's more about my own insecurity. How can I work on that? I know I'm a good man, a good father to my son and I love her son like he's my own, but I constantly worry if I'm enough.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ImaG33k

I've gotten to where I will ask questions and it actually seems to help some.

That is great.

You just need to do it MORE MORE MORE.

It is called desensitization.

So... on the right track, but need to do MORE.

[Perna]

There's the joke about telling the doctor, "It hurts when I do This" and he replies, "Then don't do That!" You probably do want to, not quite desensitize yourself, but work at not bothering with her past; kind of like the dermatologist I went to when I had an itchy callus above my eyebrow and he did tests and found it was none of a million possible weird African diseases or anything so I said, "Well, can you give me a cream or something so it won't be itchy" and he said, "No, you have to teach yourself not to touch your face/scratch it." Things work both ways; you know her past bothers you so I would train myself not bother it unless you want to be bothered :-)

[ImaG33k]

Thank you Hamster and Perna.

I love this woman more than I ever thought possible. I know it's cliche and cheesy but she makes me want to be a better father, person and man. I can not wait until our wedding day when we begin life as husband and wife. I'm trying really hard to engage her and ask questions to learn more and just to get it out in the open so I'm not left to my imagination. I already have an overactive imagination and I'm an insomniac so once something gets in my head it's really difficult to get out.

I bought us a book called "About Us". It's a book of questions about our relationship, our past, present and future. I really enjoy doing it. Some of it is a little difficult to swallow but ultimately I enjoy it. I really feel us bonding while we do it. I'm so grateful she will make time to do it. She's not a communicator and it's really helping her to open up and it's helping me to get a better understanding of her past and what she thinks / feels of our present. Is anyone aware of any other books like this one that might ask deeper questions? We're about half way through this book and I don't want it to end.

[hamster-bamster]

You need to treat insomnia as a separate issue.

[Harley47]

You sound a lot like myself (lol Imma geek too, my good sir ), and I can very easily put myself in your position.

Try not to be so concerned about it. The key to it is communication. Don't be afraid to have an open line of communication about that aspect of your life together. Furthermore, and pragmatically speaking, I would think if there were any serious "problems" she was picking up, she would bring it up.

But communication, and as Hamster suggested "desensitization," is the best route to go. As long as you love her as much as you do and as long as you're willing to talk, everything will be fine.

Hugs,
Harley

PS: You mentioned deployments. I would be remiss if I did not thank you for your service to our country.

[ImaG33k]

So rather than start another thread I just thought I'd reply here because it's the same issue, different day. The advice will be the same but I just have to type it out..

Last night I got really butt hurt by a comment the fiance made. I would just say hurt but I see the ridiculousness in it and I just don't know how / what I can do so it doesn't bother me. I understand I need to ask more questions to desensitize. When I do that you are absolutely right, it does seem to help. It's the ones that catch me by surprise that really sting me.

Last night I was talking to the fiance about my best friend. She is pretty recently out of a really bad relationship and she's never tried online dating before and she's trying it. She's telling me about a really nice guy she's met and how they have been talking / texting and private messaging. She's really excited and I'm happy for her. I was telling my fiance about it and she was excited for her too. She said "How exciting! I love dating. Going out, getting dressed up, having someone adore you, is he going to kiss me? Are we going to have sex??"
I dont know why but that was a dagger to my soul. I tell her how much I love, adore and appreciate her daily. I get her flowers multiple times a week, make entirely too many trips to the local jewelry store just to see her smile. All I could think was "Does she miss dating over what we have?" It really hurt.

You don't have to respond. It's a continuation of the same issue I just had to type it out.

[Harley47]

I don't think that's the case. Again, I think if she valued dating more so than you, you wouldn't be in this position, so to speak. She's still with you under the logical assumption that she does indeed love you. Try to take some comfort and security in that.

It does seem like you do quite a bit for her, so I certainly don't think she's in much position to be envying your friend all that much. But, if she does actually miss the excitement of dating (which don't get me wrong, I don't think she was dropping a hint...I just tend to cover all bases ), you two can still "date" and be engaged, you know. Movies, dinner...things like that. But again, I don't think she was trying to tell you something in that...I think she was just conveying excitement, is all.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Harley47

I don't think that's the case. Again, I think if she valued dating more so than you, you wouldn't be in this position, so to speak. She's still with you under the logical assumption that she does indeed love you. Try to take some comfort and security in that.

It does seem like you do quite a bit for her, so I certainly don't think she's in much position to be envying your friend all that much. But, if she does actually miss the excitement of dating (which don't get me wrong, I don't think she was dropping a hint...I just tend to cover all bases ), you two can still "date" and be engaged, you know. Movies, dinner...things like that. But again, I don't think she was trying to tell you something in that...I think she was just conveying excitement, is all.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

And... if she does crave excitement just a little bit, maybe you need to add variety. Flowers+jewelry=good, but maybe she needs to be unsure, at times, that you WOULD kiss her... you know? Because if I read her statement literally, she craves the feeling of uncertainty and the expectation of the (predictably lucky, but still...) resolution of that uncertainty. So maybe the flowers have been coming with too much predictability and certainty.

That is the only improvement suggestion I can gather from the evidence at hand.

Good luck!

Originally Posted by ImaG33k

I dont know why but that was a dagger to my soul. I tell her how much I love, adore and appreciate her daily. I get her flowers multiple times a week, make entirely too many trips to the local jewelry store just to see her smile. All I could think was "Does she miss dating over what we have?" It really hurt.

You don't have to respond. It's a continuation of the same issue I just had to type it out.

I think the other's suggestion is lovely. I think a date night even as couples is fab!

But she really is just reminiscing over the dating, and how sweet is your g/f to be rooting for your best mate? I think your reaction was over the top and you are looking for things that, I should imagine, are simply not there. You seem to be getting hurt over your own insecurities, and not really anything she said. If you were uncomfortable then why not talk to her? I bet she wouldn't swap those dating days, no matter how much she enjoyed them, for what she has with you now and would've told you so.

I hope you can learn to relax a bit more and perhaps not take everything so literally.

Hugs.