[Pretty_please1]

Is it normal for a 38 year old man to be sexually attracted to 14-18 year old teenage girls? Or is this a big red flag for more disturbing things to come?
I ask this because the person I am seeing now is a military recruiter who has access to teenage girls daily. He believes his actions/ feelings are normal. examples of what I mean is: He shows no shame when checking out teenage girls at the mall even with me at his side, watching teenage porn to get his kicks off from time to time,& making sexual comments about teenage girls. Keep in mind I have no idea what he is like at work but know his personality and believe if given an opportunity he may take things to the next level. I find this very disturbing & I need to know if besides what I have wrote, are their signs I should look out for ? Or if I'm just reading into things to much and this is normal for men.
Please help! Any input is better than nothing.
Thank you

[hamster-bamster]

It is normal as in "biologically normal" - if the girls are not nymphets but look like young women, it is normal, and the marriages between 38-year-old men and, let us say, 16-18 (probably not down to 14, no) year old women used to be quite common. Meaning, arranged marriages with all the conventions and customs of the period satisfied, as in "dowry, matchmaker, parents' blessings, the involvement of the organized religion, etc. etc."

The current customs and conventions frown on that kind of age difference.

I think the fact that he does things that you do not like should disqualify him without further ado.

In other words, drop him. Not every man is attracted to young women. Some people do not even consider the age when they get attracted. Some people prefer women who are more mature. Everything is possible. If you do not like it, definitely do not go for him.

[hamster-bamster]

Say, one of my great great great... grandfathers married a girl who was 16 when he was 40+, which was normal, because he was just out of a 25-year-old-long military service and ready to get married and settle. they lived happily for many decades (he died much earlier, of course) and had lots of children and a good household and everything went well. Clearly, he was not a pervert. But there is such a thing as a local custom and an accepted standard of the time, so the person you are seeing is outside of the accepted standard of our days and, if he were to pursue his interests, he would run into what is called "statutory rape", because our society and its legal system do not believe that women under the age of majority can consent to sex. So, to the extent that you suspect that he might actually pursue his interests, your staying with him might mean being close to someone who is in trouble with the law - why do you need that? There are lots of men who are attracted to adult women.

[healingme4me]

If it leaves you feeling uncomfortable, and you have asked him to stop. Then the abnormal thing is that he isn't respecting your feelings.

If you sense there is a red flag?! Could be, all varying customs aside. You know him better than anyone else here.

Originally Posted by Pretty_please1

Is it normal for a 38 year old man to be sexually attracted to 14-18 year old teenage girls? Or is this a big red flag for more disturbing things to come?
I ask this because the person I am seeing now is a military recruiter who has access to teenage girls daily. He believes his actions/ feelings are normal. examples of what I mean is: He shows no shame when checking out teenage girls at the mall even with me at his side, watching teenage porn to get his kicks off from time to time,& making sexual comments about teenage girls. Keep in mind I have no idea what he is like at work but know his personality and believe if given an opportunity he may take things to the next level. I find this very disturbing & I need to know if besides what I have wrote, are their signs I should look out for ? Or if I'm just reading into things to much and this is normal for men.
Please help! Any input is better than nothing.
Thank you

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Pretty_please1

Is it normal for a 38 year old man to be sexually attracted to 14-18 year old teenage girls?

...

Or if I'm just reading into things to much and this is normal for men.
Please help! Any input is better than nothing.
Thank you

OK, I think you are using the word "normal" in the title of the thread and in OP in two different senses:

1) is he normal as opposed to sick?

He is normal - he does not meet the definition of a pedophile since he is not attracted to prepubescent girls

"As a medical diagnosis, pedophilia or paedophilia is a psychiatric disorder in persons 16 years of age or older typically characterized by a primary or exclusive sexual interest toward prepubescent children (generally age 11 years or younger, though specific diagnosis criteria for the disorder extends the cut-off point for prepubescence to age 13).[1][2][3][4] An adolescent who is 16 years of age or older must be at least five years older than the prepubescent child before the attraction can be diagnosed as pedophilia.[1][2]
The term has a range of definitions, as found in psychiatry, psychology, the vernacular, and law enforcement. The International Classification of Diseases (ICD) defines pedophilia as a "disorder of adult personality and behaviour" in which there is a sexual preference for children of prepubertal or early pubertal age.[5] According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), it is a paraphilia in which adults or adolescents 16 years of age or older have intense and recurrent sexual urges towards and fantasies about prepubescent children that they have either acted on or which cause them distress or interpersonal difficulty.[1]" (wikipedia)

2) is he normal as in "average" or even "all men are like him"?

No, he is not. Some men are and some aren't. Probably more aren't than are.

[Pretty_please1]

Thank you everyone ( Big Hugs),
I guess it's just another thing I will never understand about men.. myself being 30 years old now still view teenagers no matter what age even early 20's as young & child like ,so I can't understand how that can be attractive to anyone around my age. He even said once "they ( teenage girls) ask for the attention by dressing up in provocative clothing & makeup, they know what their doing!" My reply was : you just said it , they "dress up" ..as in a costume to cover up how immature & impressionable they really are. Maybe it just takes a real women to see through all that? All I can do now is just hope he is all talk with no action. Thanks again

[Confusedinomicon]

If he is viewing underage porn it could pose a problem and he can be arrested for possession.

He may be attracted to their youthfulness. I would dump him and move on to a guy who values and doesn't objectify women.

[Bill3]

Child porn is not legal. Getting caught with it will jeopardize his career in the military, his possible pension, his honorable discharge, etc. He could get a lifelong label of sexual offender.

Children are harmed so that he and others can satisfy their desires.

"they ( teenage girls) ask for the attention by dressing up in provocative clothing & makeup, they know what their doing!"

This is a standard comment made by sexual harrassers/abusers to attempt to justify their inappropriate behavior.

this is normal for men

This degree of interest in teenagers is not normal for men of his age.

I find this very disturbing

Have you told him that you find this all disturbing? What is his response?

Recalling that we cannot expect to change other people with whom we interact, I think you will find that he will continue this sort of behavior throughout your relationship.

I need to know if besides what I have wrote, are their signs I should look out for ?

I think you are right: what you wrote already constitutes signs to "look out for". Plenty of them in my view.

[Pretty_please1]

Bill3,
of course I have confronted him!!! even belittled him to make him try to understand what kind of men does this sort of thing and i do it every chance it was or will be brought up. The whole subject matter embarrasses me, it literally turns my stomach. Unfortuinly you can't change a person, but the things I would give to have just one day in his head. But no matter what I say , I'm sure he shrugs it off ..because in his mind he is doing no wrong. If you have any more advice ..I'm all ears! Please and thank you

[Bill3]

I don't know about belittling him as a strategy for change. My opinion is that men do not typically handle humiliation well, especially from a woman. While it might seem rational to think "Fine, cut it out and i won't humiliate you," I think a guy is more likely to say "I am going to continue doing what I want, take it or leave it." rather than give in to humiliation from a woman.

Also, you can't be confident that change made under duress is going to last.

Another idea might be to encourage maturity, such that he doesn't so much change as leave these behaviors behind.

Rather than belittle what he is, you could encourage him to see what you want him to be, what you see in him, and what he can be.

Are you thinking of him possibly as a long-term relationship were it not for these problems? If so, you could talk about that, about the serious, mature man that you want and see in him. And you could go on to say that while you know he can do it, you can't wait forever.

How long are you willing to wait to see change? I think you should have some sort of time horizon so you don't waste a lot of time being disgusted by his behavior while waiting for the change that never comes.

You also should consider that this is a habit of his. If he gets to the point of being wiling to consider change, he still would need to break the habit. He might need help with that. If so, a therapist could help, but don't even mention the possibility of therapy until he demonstrates a serious desire to change.

All in all, I'm not optimistic about the prospects for change. Be sure that you consider how long you want to try to encourage change before giving up and moving on. And stick to whatever you decide.

[Bill3]

One other thought: underage porn is illegal and you are on solid ground in saying, if you wanted to, that you won't hang out with someone who is breaking the law. If he can't give up underage porn with so much at stake, it is hard to imagine him improving any other behavior.

Heya

Am sorry you've met someone like this. I would like to say that it may be useful to read your posts again with fresh eyes.

You say that you suspect that given the opportunity you would expect him to take things onto the next level with a teenager (or younger than age of consent). You say that it embarrasses you and turns your stomach.

Those are pretty damning statements. Perhaps it would be wise to listen to yourself? I don't want to say leave this man, but I would like to ask why you are staying with him when your words are very strong and his views and actions are very very questionable. Surely you would deserve better than to be repulsed by the man you are dating? I would say you were and to me it feels like you are selling yourself short.

Big hugs.

[Bill3]

People caught with child porn go to prison. And, under the new "civil commitment of sexually dangerous persons" programs, they can be, and many are being, confined indefinitely after their term is up. There is an article about it, for example, in the January 14, 2013 New Yorker magazine.

Between his use of child porn, his inappropriate thoughts and comments, and the regular contact he has with young people: He is really playing with fire.

[BonnieG2010]

I would be disturbed too.

I know it may sound too much and I know it is perfectly acceptable in certain cultures but I don't listen to Caetano Veloso songs anymore after having read that he dated his second wife when she was 14 or some such age and he was 45.

There's so much difference in POWER!!
Of course young girls are beautiful, but a woman is MORE than a girl not less. If he doesn't understand this, than he has a problem.

Hamster is right big difference age-gap was normal. But when women were not meant to be partners, but they should be modest and stand in awe of their husbands.

Being in the military, I'd say (but it's just a guess) that he's going for the easy part: let me meet somebody that i can outpower, that should only say yes, because I am so much more expert / adult / capable that she is, so that she must shut up and do what I say.
This is called topdog and undergod in gestalt therapy: there are people who think of themselves as topdogs and they need to find an underdog to function well.

I'd have to join the others: keep clear of him.
If that's how his mind works, no partneship is meant but an adult / child relationship that can be sick and can lead into what you don't want to know.

A lot of people use as many rationalizations as they like to convince themselves (first and foremost) that what they want is safe, natural and sometimes even holy.
But that a woman is so much more than a girl it's not a secret. Is out there for anyone to see

Take care of yourself. If a man does not understand this...... I don't think he will in the near future

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BonnieG2010

Hamster is right big difference age-gap was normal. But when women were not meant to be partners, but they should be modest and stand in awe of their husbands.

With high infant mortality and the need to reproduce against the odds, starting childbearing early in the life of a woman - almost as early as feasible - made sense.

We no longer have this problem.

[brokenwings75]

Originally Posted by Pretty_please1

Is it normal for a 38 year old man to be sexually attracted to 14-18 year old teenage girls? Or is this a big red flag for more disturbing things to come?
I ask this because the person I am seeing now is a military recruiter who has access to teenage girls daily. He believes his actions/ feelings are normal. examples of what I mean is: He shows no shame when checking out teenage girls at the mall even with me at his side, watching teenage porn to get his kicks off from time to time,& making sexual comments about teenage girls. Keep in mind I have no idea what he is like at work but know his personality and believe if given an opportunity he may take things to the next level. I find this very disturbing & I need to know if besides what I have wrote, are their signs I should look out for ? Or if I'm just reading into things to much and this is normal for men.
Please help! Any input is better than nothing.
Thank you

RUN.......listen to your intuition. If you feel disturbed by this this early on in relationship don't move things forward with him because it will not change only get worse.

[~Christina]

He's a danger to young girls , what he does is illegal. Personally I would end any form of relationship with him and let the police know what he is doing. Sorry I have NO sympathy for some POS like him.

You deserve better !

[NWgirl2013]

Huge Can O' Worms if you ask me. I would not want to be with someone like this. It won't go away. You & he, will continue to age but his fascination will stay the same.
Then it gets creepy; imagine walking with him when you are 40 & his head is on a swivel for every little girl "asking for" his attention. Euww! Just sayin'

[Jan1212]

I don't care if you say it is "normal" or "natural" checking out girls at his age, making sexual comments, and fantasizing about tweens and teens, he is acting like a CREEP and I would not accept that of my husband because it would be disrespectful to me, especially if I felt uncomfortable.

I get that 'men are visual creatures' and I see old men staring at tween girls passing by -all- the time. but if these men make sexual remarks and make a move, he is a pedophile and a criminal. With this kind of strong belief, yeah I see it is a potential thing...