Is it all in my head or am I enabling him?

Hello dear readers, nice to meet you, I am new here... I came here to seek advice on my issue, because I'm in a really messed up place right now.

Me and my partner have been together a total of 7 years. We met when I was 16, now I'm 22 (no children). Most of my development as an adult has been around him, thus I'm very confused about my life.

He has always been very handsome, smart, outgoing and open-minded. Those things attracted me to him and they still do. But I think the dark side of these qualities is narcissism, need to be in control and a manipulative nature. I have told him all this, and he denies it. He says he's surprized how little I know about him for being together almost a decade. He says my low self-esteem distorts my view on our relationship and sometimes I question my feelings, because I do have self-esteem issues. I fear failure and I dread being controlled. Those are the buttons he pushes most often - critisizing me, being dissapointed by my failures and often subtly trying to make me do everything the right (his) way.

For the first 4 years I thought our relationship was normal, because I had no other example. But then I met my best friend, and when I saw how her boyfriend was treating her, I was stunned, envious, confused, because she had none of the problems I did. Then I began questioning mypartner 's behavior, reading about psychological abuse and, generally, geting a bit paranoid.

My partner is not a bad man. He's faithful, has solid morals and sometimes does very kind things for me. I may sound greedy, but they are not enough, YET they anchor me to him. If I had to find a metaphor for this, I'd say it's like hitting yourself with a hammer, only to experience how good it feels when you stop.

I am worried about who I am. Sometimes he subtly/jokingly wants to take credit for my development as an adult. Since I've been with him for so long, it is believable from time to time. The worst thing is for the most part I don't like the person who I am when with him. I am anxious, snappy, sometimes even hostile and my guard is always up. I have lost all desire to be nice, make him feel special, etc. And he complains about it, saying I don't treat him right.

In short: I feel we're not right for eachother. I want to leave, but I am scared that my judgement is wrong, that I blame my problems on him. He is all I have ever known - all my memories and sentiments, and that seems hard to leave behind.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

This alone is reason to call it a day without any of the controlling or criticism you mentioned. He's not bringing out the best in you (a strange thing to want to take credit for too btw). If you are unhappy when you are with him, and feeling all these negative things, then it's time to go. Life is really too short to spend with the wrong person.

It's hard to get the confidence to believe your own thoughts when a person has been controlled for so long. I think when he blames your unhappiness on your own self-esteem issues is unhelpful and it makes him take no responsibility of his own behaviour. I am guessing he won't change that attitude, and without him working with you to try and make things better, then you may just be hitting yourself with that hammer for a long time.

I hope you do whatever is right for you.

Hugs

Hi Rare ~ When I read your post, a red flag went up. I could see my former marriage, and it scared me!

Honey, this man IS controlling. He IS taking advantage of you. He IS taking ALL THE CREDIT for your development and he's patting himself on the back. What an EGO he has!

No wonder your self-esteem is in the pits, with all his criticizing and nit-picking. Where ELSE would your self-esteem be? You can't improve it with him around. You dont' have a chance!

You cannot be the "best YOU" when you're with him. It's just not possible. I'm afraid he isn't the 'right one' for you. And while it might be scary to leave, you will feel so FREE once you do! For once, you'll be able to make your own decisions without someone criticizing you, for once you can come and go as you like, for once you can do whatever you want! You won't have to answer to him! The freedom will be fantastic! You have been controlled MUCH too long!

There is someone else out there who will LOVE you just as you are. There is someone who will love and cherish you and RESPECT you just as you are. They won't criticize you at every turn. I wish you the very best sweetie. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Trust your own feelings and your own evaluation of the relationship.

How old is your partner?

He's already controlling you, nobody wants to be controlled and it will just escalate if you stay much longer. Would he be willing to go to some therapy, if you don't want to leave him? it only gets worse, especailly if he's messing with your self esteem.

Thank you all for the answers. Yes, even though I am very much in love with him, a day without criticism looks so desireable. Sometimes I even get surprised how much other people don't care about the minor mistakes I make - mistakes which are constantly nit-picked by him. He may be trying to help me in his own very twisted way, but it does not work and it never will.

He's 26.

The relationship is not healthy. He is emotionally abusive and he denies he has a problem so don't think he'll change. Leave him, find a therapist and work on your self esteem.