[bluedolphin92]

Hi everyone,

I made a thread here a few weeks ago but I doubt anyone remembers so I'll just give a brief recap of what's happened that got me to where I am now. I have a lot to type so hopefully someone is willing to read it all =/...
A few weeks ago, I met a guy who I have been friends with on another internet forum I frequent. I've known him through there for almost 7 years now and have always felt pretty close to him on there, but this was the first time I'd met him in real life. Prior to our meeting we'd been communicating a lot more than usual (We started texting one another in February and had been in contact almost every day since), and I found that my feelings for him were starting to grow deeper (I'd had a crush on him for awhile before then). I'd always kind of wondered if he felt the same, and at the end of the night that we met, we ended up having sex. He was my first, and he knew that.

Fast forward to now and...I'm still kind of confused. Ever since that night I'd been thinking a lot about what exactly it all meant. I started noticing that he seemed to be texting me less, and that I almost always had to be the one to initiate conversations whereas before that night he'd often start things, too. Last night I finally decided I'd had enough of wondering and finally found the courage to ask him. He said that long distance relationships had always been bad for him in the past, and that ours would be the furthest one he's ever had (He lives near Chicago and I live near Cleveland). He said that he felt terrible for what he'd said and did that night (We had talked about getting together again sometime in the near future), as well as for not communicating with me as much lately, as he'd been unsure of how to bring up the issue as well. But he said that there was no changing how he felt about the long distance thing. That upset me, but at the same time he brought up the term "relationship" without me having said anything directly, so I guess he must have been having some of the same kinds of thoughts, which I take solace in.

I brought up the fact that I would be graduating college in two years and was planning on moving a bit further away from home anyway, implying that I would be able to move closer to him at that time (Which is true, I have been seriously considering getting a bit further away from home. It's not just because of him though, so don't think that it is). Asked if he thought there was any chance at anything in the future. He just said that he couldn't say either way, but not to get my hopes up. Which I suppose is all I could have hoped to hear, at least he didn't completely shoot down the idea.

My biggest problem is that I'm relatively certain I love this guy. At the very least, my feelings for him are something more than liking him. He's also still a very dear friend and I don't want to lose him completely even if I can't be with him in a romantic way. I just don't know what more I can tell him, and how I can cope with these emotions. Also, I know that part of this is probably just because the pain of the heartbreak is still fresh, but I can't help but feel that it will take forever for me to develop feelings for someone else as deep as the ones I have for this guy. It's just that I've known him for so long, and I have such a difficult time talking to people in real life that the internet is often the only way I communicate with anyone outside of my family on a normal day, I don't know how I'll ever manage. I feel that if I keep communicating with him I'll just keep comparing every new potential boyfriend I meet to him, and never be able to get serious with anyone. But at the same time if I stop communicating with him I'll lose our friendship.

I know that it's fairly common for good friends to fall in love, and that it can be a difficult thing to cope with. I could just use some advice on how to cope with this. Will this start to go away with time?

[TanyaP]

Originally Posted by bluedolphin92

Hi everyone,

I made a thread here a few weeks ago but I doubt anyone remembers so I'll just give a brief recap of what's happened that got me to where I am now. I have a lot to type so hopefully someone is willing to read it all =/...
A few weeks ago, I met a guy who I have been friends with on another internet forum I frequent. I've known him through there for almost 7 years now and have always felt pretty close to him on there, but this was the first time I'd met him in real life. Prior to our meeting we'd been communicating a lot more than usual (We started texting one another in February and had been in contact almost every day since), and I found that my feelings for him were starting to grow deeper (I'd had a crush on him for awhile before then). I'd always kind of wondered if he felt the same, and at the end of the night that we met, we ended up having sex. He was my first, and he knew that.

Fast forward to now and...I'm still kind of confused. Ever since that night I'd been thinking a lot about what exactly it all meant. I started noticing that he seemed to be texting me less, and that I almost always had to be the one to initiate conversations whereas before that night he'd often start things, too. Last night I finally decided I'd had enough of wondering and finally found the courage to ask him. He said that long distance relationships had always been bad for him in the past, and that ours would be the furthest one he's ever had (He lives near Chicago and I live near Cleveland). He said that he felt terrible for what he'd said and did that night (We had talked about getting together again sometime in the near future), as well as for not communicating with me as much lately, as he'd been unsure of how to bring up the issue as well. But he said that there was no changing how he felt about the long distance thing. That upset me, but at the same time he brought up the term "relationship" without me having said anything directly, so I guess he must have been having some of the same kinds of thoughts, which I take solace in.

I brought up the fact that I would be graduating college in two years and was planning on moving a bit further away from home anyway, implying that I would be able to move closer to him at that time (Which is true, I have been seriously considering getting a bit further away from home. It's not just because of him though, so don't think that it is). Asked if he thought there was any chance at anything in the future. He just said that he couldn't say either way, but not to get my hopes up. Which I suppose is all I could have hoped to hear, at least he didn't completely shoot down the idea.

My biggest problem is that I'm relatively certain I love this guy. At the very least, my feelings for him are something more than liking him. He's also still a very dear friend and I don't want to lose him completely even if I can't be with him in a romantic way. I just don't know what more I can tell him, and how I can cope with these emotions. Also, I know that part of this is probably just because the pain of the heartbreak is still fresh, but I can't help but feel that it will take forever for me to develop feelings for someone else as deep as the ones I have for this guy. It's just that I've known him for so long, and I have such a difficult time talking to people in real life that the internet is often the only way I communicate with anyone outside of my family on a normal day, I don't know how I'll ever manage. I feel that if I keep communicating with him I'll just keep comparing every new potential boyfriend I meet to him, and never be able to get serious with anyone. But at the same time if I stop communicating with him I'll lose our friendship.

I know that it's fairly common for good friends to fall in love, and that it can be a difficult thing to cope with. I could just use some advice on how to cope with this. Will this start to go away with time?

I think you should just keep your communication with him and see what happens. If he mentioned something about relationship, he probably does really like you too. He wouldn't say that if he had zero feelings for you. The fact he said he doesn't believe in long distance relationships doesn't really mean too much - a lot of the time people end up getting into relationships they claimed they would never get into in the past.. Perhaps because of his previous negative experiences with long distance relationships he claims he doesn't want them any more, but if you two are really good friends and he gets attached to communication with you emotionally, all that can change. Also even if romance doesn't develop, you can still be good friends with him, losing a friend is never a good thing.. And finding new boyfriends won't happen for you anyways until you get over your crush on this guy, whether you keep talking to him or not. So just take a chance and see where it leads.. We all need to take risks in life sometimes in order to gain something nice and special. Talk to a counselor about it if you need some advice on how to make the relationship progress the way you hope it to.

[bluedolphin92]

Originally Posted by TanyaP

I think you should just keep your communication with him and see what happens. If he mentioned something about relationship, he probably does really like you too. He wouldn't say that if he had zero feelings for you. The fact he said he doesn't believe in long distance relationships doesn't really mean too much - a lot of the time people end up getting into relationships they claimed they would never get into in the past.. Perhaps because of his previous negative experiences with long distance relationships he claims he doesn't want them any more, but if you two are really good friends and he gets attached to communication with you emotionally, all that can change. Also even if romance doesn't develop, you can still be good friends with him, losing a friend is never a good thing.. And finding new boyfriends won't happen for you anyways until you get over your crush on this guy, whether you keep talking to him or not. So just take a chance and see where it leads.. We all need to take risks in life sometimes in order to gain something nice and special. Talk to a counselor about it if you need some advice on how to make the relationship progress the way you hope it to.

Thank you for your response. Do you think it would be a good idea to ask him how exactly he feels about me? I really want to because the fact that he was the one to bring up a relationship has made me curious. I just really wonder if he feels as deeply for me as I do for him. But I'm kind of afraid that I'll be upset if he doesn't feel the same, or just get lulled into a false sense of hope if he does.

Also, I don't know if I really even WANT to get over the crush. Not completely, anyway. Is it possible to keep some place in my heart open to him while still pursuing other relationships?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by bluedolphin92

He said that long distance relationships had always been bad for him in the past, and that ours would be the furthest one he's ever had (He lives near Chicago and I live near Cleveland).

But he said that there was no changing how he felt about the long distance thing.

implying that I would be able to move closer to him at that time (Which is true, I have been seriously considering getting a bit further away from home.

my feelings for him are something more than liking him. He's also still a very dear friend

and I don't want to lose him completely even if I can't be with him in a romantic way.

I can't help but feel that it will take forever for me to develop feelings for someone else as deep as the ones I have for this guy.

It's just that I've known him for so long,

if I stop communicating with him I'll lose our friendship.

I could just use some advice on how to cope with this. Will this start to go away with time?

Minus the meeting up, I can Identify and Relate to what is happening and what you are going through.

What if, he starts writing about all his future girlfriends? How will this affect your emotions? For me, it started feeling more than uncomfortable, it became downright insensitive on his part(the guy friend in my life, that I had developed the more than like feelings for).

Around Thanksgiving, he and I started writing and discussing where to go from here. As in, let's reevaluate what this means for the both of us. By New Years, he already had ANOTHER girlfriend. Divorced for, what, not even three years yet, and I can count the number of girlfriends he had since, on two hands, not just one. Knew him longer, from a board he and I became friends through.

Coping? Yeah, just heard from him, for the first time in over a month, on a different board that he and I both belong to. This is after sending him a farewell letter to private communication.

The words, Emotionally Unavailable come to mind. Yeah, the long distance thing. What were his words? Let's see, if we met, and I was someone he 'fell in love with', he 'couldn't bear the thought of leaving me' and not having 'daily touch' in his life, was something he 'couldn't bear to deal with' in his life. ((do you sense a load of BS, here??))

Yeah, I'd entertained the notion, that had things worked out, and after a while of Long Distance being together, that I would consider the relocation. Why? The colleges out where he is near, aren't so bad for the sports that my sons play. Actually, top tier for what my sons play. Weather? No problem, considering where I grew up. Job? My job type is transferable to anywhere in the country. Finding my own place? No problem, I already know how to live the single mom life. I hear you, about the notion of hinting that you'd move closer to him. Especially with two years left of college, of course, you'd be able to freely relocate!!

What would losing him, feel like? Painful. Yes, painful. As if, suddenly, after the years of daily contact, like quitting smoking cold turkey, that's what it would feel like.

I added it up once. Hundreds of thousands of e-mail pages of communication between the two of us, through the years.

Will it take time, to move forward? You bet'cha!!! Will it be easier, in the long term, to not be where you are now? I believe, it will. Will it be possible to love again? I'm betting, it will be possible. Perhaps, appreciating what you need better. Appreciating, it when it happens, more, I'm hopeful.

Seeing my friend, in a different light, over the past couple of days, when I discovered he was posting in a place, where I am at, also....PRICELESS. I am seeing him, differently, now.

Friends, like him. Not sure, how much of a friend he really was. Not sure about yours. I had to stop depending on him, to be my 'friend', first.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by bluedolphin92

Thank you for your response. Do you think it would be a good idea to ask him how exactly he feels about me? I really want to because the fact that he was the one to bring up a relationship has made me curious. I just really wonder if he feels as deeply for me as I do for him. But I'm kind of afraid that I'll be upset if he doesn't feel the same, or just get lulled into a false sense of hope if he does.
Also, I don't know if I really even WANT to get over the crush. Not completely, anyway. Is it possible to keep some place in my heart open to him while still pursuing other relationships?

Mine broached the subject, too. Wanted to be closer to me. When I mentioned relocation, he sort of freaked and back-peddled.

When they say, no go on LDR, they usually mean they won't compromise, even for a couple of years.

But, you know what, you won't know, until you go for it, and ask him, what do you mean?

What are your long term intentions with me? Why did you mention relationship. Things like that. He brought it up, hold him to this train of thought. Otherwise, you'll wonder...

Go for it!!!

[bluedolphin92]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Mine broached the subject, too. Wanted to be closer to me. When I mentioned relocation, he sort of freaked and back-peddled.

When they say, no go on LDR, they usually mean they won't compromise, even for a couple of years.

But, you know what, you won't know, until you go for it, and ask him, what do you mean?

What are your long term intentions with me? Why did you mention relationship. Things like that. He brought it up, hold him to this train of thought. Otherwise, you'll wonder...

Go for it!!!

I did end up asking him. He basically said that at first he wanted to believe it could work, but then he remembered the pain of his past relationships. I guess I can see where he's coming from. I understand how difficult and painful LDRs can be, so I don't want to have to put him through that again if he's had trouble in the past. Also, I know that a positive mindset is important so if he were to go into it thinking it couldn't work that would just create more trouble.

Honestly I think hearing this is more painful than it would have been to hear that he never wanted anything out of this whole ordeal. From what I can see, it sounds like we both wish a relationship could come out of this, but he's just afraid to try. I'm a little afraid as well. The last thing I want it to lose our friendship even if I wish more than anything that we could have something more. I know life is all about talking risks but I don't know if I want to risk what we already have.

I don't want to push the issue because I don't want to lose him as a friend, but I really wish I could somehow convince him to take a chance on us. I sent him a text saying something to that extent a few minutes ago. No response yet...

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by bluedolphin92

Honestly I think hearing this is more painful than it would have been to hear that he never wanted anything out of this whole ordeal. From what I can see, it sounds like we both wish a relationship could come out of this, but he's just afraid to try. I'm a little afraid as well. The last thing I want it to lose our friendship even if I wish more than anything that we could have something more. I know life is all about talking risks but I don't know if I want to risk what we already have.

I don't want to push the issue because I don't want to lose him as a friend, but I really wish I could somehow convince him to take a chance on us. I sent him a text saying something to that extent a few minutes ago. No response yet...

Life would be grande, if others didn't let fear due to the past, hold them back from something in the present.

Keep us posted, how he feels about taking that chance!! Whatever the outcome, remember you deserve that chance. You deserve to have a relationship that has a foundation of friendship.