[ja22383]

Almost 2 1/2 years ago I moved from Seattle to the east coast, with my son and my now husband, for my husband's job.We chose to move to make a better life for ourselves. Since the move my mother has only spoken to me a handful of times. We've never been especially close, but it seems like she really resents me for moving away. I don't understand the resentment because we only really saw each other a few times a year when I lived there.

When I lived in Seattle I had a fairly successful career as a chef and I constantly got grief about working too much, putting my career before my family, not staying home with my son for a year after he was born, and on and on. I never understood why she couldn't just be happy for me or proud of my success especially after I got divorced and became a single parent. She's been married and divorced 3 times, I figured she'd be more sympathetic.

I became a stay at home mom when we moved so that I could spend more time with my son. Now it seems as though she resents the fact that I don't have to work. Whenever I speak to my mother she finds ways to take jabs at my life one way or another while praising my siblings that haven't done anything with their lives. I have a sister that is a single mother of a 8 month old that doesn't work or do anything. She just lives off of tax payer's $$.
Every time I've spoken to my mother since the baby was born she makes sure to let me know that my sister is an amazing mother for being at home and not working all the time. If I get my hair cut she says she liked it longer, when I color it she says she liked it lighter/darker (whatever is the opposite of what it is), etc. The last time that I sort of spoke with her was Christmas, but she made it clear she only wanted to speak to my son and not me. Whenever I speak to my sisters they tell me that she says terrible things about me. She says that I'm snobby and I think I'm better than everyone. She's convinced a couple of my sisters that I am this way too. I'm 95% sure that I am not like that at all. We speak less and less just because I can't deal with the constant passive agressive insults. I kind of want to cut her out of my life completely but I feel like that would also end a few other relationships with family members as well.

I've really never done anything but be a good daughter to her. It's especially hurtful because I'm the only child that she treats this way. Do I need this toxic person out of my life? Why does she dislike me so much? How do I stop caring about this nonsense?

[iamnobody11235813]

If it were me, I would honestly try to organize an extended face-to-face interaction with her to talk about what problems she has with you. But my personality is very confrontationalist. I tend to get in people's faces if I believe they have unjustly done me wrong.

But I think the fact you mention your mother has been married and divorced three times is significant. Have your other siblings, the ones she speaks highly of, likewise been married/divorced multiple times, as you have (married, divorced, then married)?

You say you couldn't figure out why she wasn't more sympathetic after you divorced your first husband and became a single parent. In my experience, humans are naturally hypocritical creatures. Perhaps she was ashamed of you not fixing her mistakes (living one happy marriage)? I think parents tend to do that a lot - expect their children to right their wrongs. Perhaps it is what your mother was doing to some extent.

But anyway, the best advice I can give is something that may or may not work for you. For me, I would absolutely confront her and organize a face-to-face talk and attempt to get it all out of her, to lay the cards on the table and find out what you're dealing with. It's not a marriage, of course, but if your mother is holding some unhealthy emotions deep within her, they can be attempted to be unearthed in a manner similar to dealing with problems couples deal with in marital relationships.

[ja22383]

Originally Posted by iamnobody11235813

If it were me, I would honestly try to organize an extended face-to-face interaction with her to talk about what problems she has with you. But my personality is very confrontationalist. I tend to get in people's faces if I believe they have unjustly done me wrong.

But I think the fact you mention your mother has been married and divorced three times is significant. Have your other siblings, the ones she speaks highly of, likewise been married/divorced multiple times, as you have (married, divorced, then married)?

You say you couldn't figure out why she wasn't more sympathetic after you divorced your first husband and became a single parent. In my experience, humans are naturally hypocritical creatures. Perhaps she was ashamed of you not fixing her mistakes (living one happy marriage)? I think parents tend to do that a lot - expect their children to right their wrongs. Perhaps it is what your mother was doing to some extent.

But anyway, the best advice I can give is something that may or may not work for you. For me, I would absolutely confront her and organize a face-to-face talk and attempt to get it all out of her, to lay the cards on the table and find out what you're dealing with. It's not a marriage, of course, but if your mother is holding some unhealthy emotions deep within her, they can be attempted to be unearthed in a manner similar to dealing with problems couples deal with in marital relationships.

I also am very confrontational. I have confronted her a few times. She never answers my questions, she just finds some reason to hang up the phone or leave. I think her thinking that I am better than everyone stems from the confrontations that we've had. As if I must feel superior to have the nerve to confront her. As for my siblings, one is married, one is divorced, and one has a child but is single.

[iamnobody11235813]

Originally Posted by ja22383

I also am very confrontational. I have confronted her a few times. She never answers my questions, she just finds some reason to hang up the phone or leave. I think her thinking that I am better than everyone stems from the confrontations that we've had. As if I must feel superior to have the nerve to confront her. As for my siblings, one is married, one is divorced, and one has a child but is single.

It may not be very feasible for you to do since you live so far away, but I think the best thing would be a face-to-face interaction. Phone calls can help, but it's very easy for your mother to get out of those. Emails and text messages would only make things worse, because they allow her to lash out at you, while ignoring any or all of your messages and attempts to talk about the real issues.

Alternatively, if there's someone you trust very much, whom she also trusts, and lives relatively close to your mother, perhaps a third party would help as well. If she honestly trusts them, and they attempt to discuss things in a sensitive manner, perhaps they'd be able to extract your mother's true feelings about you. That is the first step - knowing what all her issue is. Once that's identified, you can then begin to address her concerns and issues, in a sensitive manner of course.