[caribbeaneyes]

Hey everybody,

I hope this won't be too long. I met this great men, he's and introvert and very shy but I don't mind that because there so many great qualities about him. He's 21 and I'm 19, we've been going out for 10 months and plan on going backpacking for some time soon.
The only problem I have is with his family- they're all great people, they're kind and intelligent and we get along good.. He has four sisters(2 of them living at home with him) and his two parents but I just can't deal wit how close they are. The siblings talk about everything and when I say everything I mean everything. He recently told me that they often discussed their sexlifes. I asked him not to say anything about us to them because I think it's just too personal and sex should be something between him and me only. He agreed to that.
But it's not just that they're so close emotionally, they're also very close physically. I know I'm kind of overreacting but it just creeps me out! The sisters who live with him (18 and 24) are kissing him on the cheek (and the mouth too, I think) whenever he has been out and comes back home or when they go to bed(they're all adults), and when one of his sisters was away for a weekend I saw him embracing her the way he embraces me, hugging really long and burrying his head in her hair and all that. I get sick just thinking about it. The sisters also sit on his lap and the one told me on several occasions how handsome he is and how she wants a boyfriend like that. They also don't seem to know any privacy, whenever one of them is in the bathroom they just walk in without even knocking(same goes for the bedrooms expect when they have visitors). I just can't get over this. I've to just let it go but somehow I can't. My family is very different from theirs, there's warmth too but we are not that intimite with each other. Whenever my boyfriend and I are intimate with each other now, not sexually but like cuddling and all that, I keep imagining how he might do quite similar things with his sisters and it just makes me sick. I've tried talking to him about it but he doesn't see anything wrong with it because they "just grew up that way". Now I just don't know what to do.
I know it's irrational to be jealous of your boyfriends sisters but I still believe that he is a little too dependent on his family.
I could really use some advice on how to deal with this, should I try talking to him again and just explain to him very honest how I feel? I would like to ask him how close they get phsicially when I'm not around but I don't want to sound like a possesive freak. Part of me feeling so strongly about this might come from and early childhood experience with a family member of mine that was sort of on the edge of abuse. Thanks for reading, this post sort of got really long :/

[Perna]

Oh, that sounds so hard for you, raised that differently and with them so unusually close. I would try to remember that he is as loving and as good a hugger/cuddler because of his early experiences? You don't have to be jealous of his sisters because he's "yours" at the moment and his love is not limited. I'd maybe go see a counselor on your own about your childhood experience and maybe see if you can get to know his sisters better, on your own and chat with them?

I remember when one of my brothers brought home his new girlfriend who became his second wife and I was always comparing her to his first wife (didn't like this second one, she was very shy/not "friendly" or "fun" in the same way the first one had been). I wish I had not been as young and could have gotten to know her better for herself and learned better to respond to what was there instead of what I wished was there?

It sounds like your boyfriend's upbringing was good for him, something he enjoys and I would not try to change it; like my therapist once said to me when I complained about my boyfriend's (now husband) behavior -- "How long have you known him? And how long has his mother known him?" :-) If you were to marry and start a family of your own, he would have to become more involved with you than his sisters but right now, he can still have the warmth of both?

[almostthere]

Hi! I'm "almostthere".

I found your recent post insteresting and something that I can sincerely relate to because I was in the same situation in my marraige to my ex-wife for over thirty years. Yeah... that's right....over thirty years.

My wife, unlike me, was extremely close to her parents, expecially her mom. In our first year of marraige I never paid any attention to it. But as the years moved on I became irritated about how much attention she paid to her pararents when they came to visit at the expense of her ignoring me. But i never talked to her about it, although I should have, because I had the utmost respect for her parents and didn't want to offend them in any way at the expense of causing any friction in our relationship. I loved her that much.

In the subsequent years however this became an increasing serious problem. Her parents were almost always in our apartment. when we bought a house in the suburbs they found a way to continue coming even when I didn't expect them.

Needless to say it slowly eroded our marraige and our relationship.

Now we are separated and no longer live under the same roof.

Please talk to ur boyfriend about his expremely intimate relationship with his family. Tell him it's something that needs to be addressed right now. Not later, when it's too late.

If he is not receptive about how u feel about this matter, then maybe it's time to find another man!

There r a lot of good men out there. Don't sell yourself short. U deserve better!!!

Rgards,

"almostthere"

Originally Posted by caribbeaneyes

Hey everybody,

I hope this won't be too long. I met this great men, he's and introvert and very shy but I don't mind that because there so many great qualities about him. He's 21 and I'm 19, we've been going out for 10 months and plan on going backpacking for some time soon.
The only problem I have is with his family- they're all great people, they're kind and intelligent and we get along good.. He has four sisters(2 of them living at home with him) and his two parents but I just can't deal wit how close they are. The siblings talk about everything and when I say everything I mean everything. He recently told me that they often discussed their sexlifes. I asked him not to say anything about us to them because I think it's just too personal and sex should be something between him and me only. He agreed to that.
But it's not just that they're so close emotionally, they're also very close physically. I know I'm kind of overreacting but it just creeps me out! The sisters who live with him (18 and 24) are kissing him on the cheek (and the mouth too, I think) whenever he has been out and comes back home or when they go to bed(they're all adults), and when one of his sisters was away for a weekend I saw him embracing her the way he embraces me, hugging really long and burrying his head in her hair and all that. I get sick just thinking about it. The sisters also sit on his lap and the one told me on several occasions how handsome he is and how she wants a boyfriend like that. They also don't seem to know any privacy, whenever one of them is in the bathroom they just walk in without even knocking(same goes for the bedrooms expect when they have visitors). I just can't get over this. I've to just let it go but somehow I can't. My family is very different from theirs, there's warmth too but we are not that intimite with each other. Whenever my boyfriend and I are intimate with each other now, not sexually but like cuddling and all that, I keep imagining how he might do quite similar things with his sisters and it just makes me sick. I've tried talking to him about it but he doesn't see anything wrong with it because they "just grew up that way". Now I just don't know what to do.
I know it's irrational to be jealous of your boyfriends sisters but I still believe that he is a little too dependent on his family.
I could really use some advice on how to deal with this, should I try talking to him again and just explain to him very honest how I feel? I would like to ask him how close they get phsicially when I'm not around but I don't want to sound like a possesive freak. Part of me feeling so strongly about this might come from and early childhood experience with a family member of mine that was sort of on the edge of abuse. Thanks for reading, this post sort of got really long :/

[playedout59]

Hello,
It's unfortunate that you are going through this with your boyfriend and his family (sisters), but I think you need to follow your instincts that seem very strong here. If you feel uncomfortable, as I suspect from reading your post, then you may want to consider opting out of this relationship before you become too heavily invested, making it more difficult to make the decision to move on. Either way, I am confident you will make the right decision for yourself.

[hamster-bamster]

There is this joke about an Italian man and a Brit. When they talk the Italian man always moves closer and closer to the Brit, and the Brit moves back and away in response. So it looks like the Italian man is somehow attacking or invading the privacy of the British man.

This is just because the Italians have one expectation of the appropriate distance between the conversation partners and the Brits have another expectation.

That said, since you are THAT uncomfortable, you might want to consider other alternatives as playedout59 has suggested earlier.

[caribbeaneyes]

Thank you all so much for your responses and for being understanding of my situation. I really don't want to sound like I'm trying to get in between his family or anything it's just hard to deal with for some reason.

Perna, what you said is definitely true, I've never quite met a man who is so affectionate (not in public due, he seems to have phobia of pda ) and I love it because I'm like that myself. The thought that I have to share his affection though just gets to me in a way.

And almostthere, thanks for sharing your story, it really gave me something to think about. I'm still hoping that he becomes more independent once he leaves "the nest".

I'm still struggeling with it though because in a way I'm very happy for him that he has such a loving family and that he has 6 people in the world who care deeply for him(whereas I have one, which would be my mom) but on the other hand I feel like if it bothers me so much I have a right to feel that way. I just don't know what to do. He loves me, I know that but I don't know if I should address this topic. It's so touchy and I don't know if I could address this in a fair and respectful manner :/

Thank you again everybody for your replies! It really helps to just talk about it and get some feedback!