[Heather11]

I just started dating a man who smokes pot a few nights a week. I have never and have to admit I'm curious... I'm just getting to know him obviously, and so far I like him a lot. He has his life together, successful, it doesn't appear to have interfered with his life-he's done it for over 15 years. Since its so early I'm trying not to project in general about anything, but I know this can be a controversial issue. I know I don't want to stop seeing him over it.
Thoughts?

[tradika]

Don’t toke, it’s addictive and it’s bad for depression. Being around someone who does will lead you down that road.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

I dated and married a man who smoked pot even tho I had never done it and didn't approve of it.

He was working when I married him, then quit his job and never got another in the 10 years we were together. He started smoking daily and spent the whole day doing God knows what (spending money, from what I could tell).

Eventually the pot wasn't enuff, so he started drinking Scotch. Then he added benzos to the mix.

Finally, he wanted me to join him in his addiction and gave me pot w/o my knowledge thru a chocolate bar. I cried for 3 hours and then threw up for 3 hours. But he thought it was awesome b/c we had good sex first, so he kept wanting me to do it again.

In hindsight, I wish I had steared clear. This may not be your story, but it's not an uncommon one, so think about if you want to go thru it just b/c he seems like a nice guy now.

Personally speaking from experience, I don't have a problem with pot but only up to a point.. A lot of my friends, and myself smoked it when we were younger, and it did not have a negative effect on any of us. It was very much part of the music/alternative scene and everyone I knew pretty much smoked it. We all went on to have good careers - one of my friends is a doctor and she got through all of her studies smoking, and the first few years of her job. She gave up when she had a daughter, and she was the last of us to give up smoking it. For me, I stopped after a few years because I did start to get lazy on it and I didn't like that in me. None of us went onto harder stuff, or developed anything really badly negative from smoking it, be it personality or mental issues.

But I really think it depends on the person. If a person has a addictive personality, and some issues then smoking can make things worse. One of my brothers smoked it, and it made his bad personality traits become far worse. It drove away a lot of people from him, and it can make someone paranoid if they smoke it too long like it did my brother.

I think you are your own best judge here. If you are happy to date the man for the time being, then carry on. If you think he has sound judgement, then that's good. But be prepared to perhaps later on down the line, see some things that you do not like so much as you get to know him better due to pot. For me, trust your gut all along the line, and do not ignore any warning signs later on if you see them. It's early days and he could be in his 'impressing you' stage.

Hugs.

Oh, and I have more of a problem with drinking than pot. I've seen much more ugly behaviour on that.

[jkbob]

Personally I don't have a problem with pot either. I smoked it a bit when I was younger and only one in the past 4 years mostly due to kids/pregnancy/bfing. Anyway, there are plenty of people who relax with a drink after work. It's about your comfort level.

[herhusband]

And if it doesn't make you comfortable then let them know.

[Perna]

My husband, to whom I have been married 23 years, smokes cigarettes and has since he was a teen; he's 70 this year. My parents smoked but I never have but still I thought it was no big deal, I have my habits and he has his. But his habit makes him and his breath smell bad and, if I'm in a car with him in winter, make me and my hair/clothes smell bad. When possible we eat places that allow him to smoke and, because I'm fond of him, I am around him a lot. I have asthma and the smoking is a stressor for me; if I have one other stressor at the same time (say, a cat on my lap) I am at my limit and a third stressor (fire in the fire place) will put me over the edge. I could easily develop other problems because of his smoking around me.

But the worst thing about my husband smoking is how self-involved he is, how enmeshed he is in his smoking. If we arrive at a destination and he's just lit a cigarette, we have to wait until he finishes the cigarette, he won't put it out. He is extremely accomplished but will not try to give up smoking because he does not believe he can. He gave it up once, for about a month, but had a horrible boss leaning on him so took it up again.

I put myself in harm's way because I love my husband and enjoy being with him. But I could do without his smoking. He loves me too but his habit is older than our relationship and, in some ways, stronger.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Oh, and I have more of a problem with drinking than pot. I've seen much more ugly behaviour on that.

Agree fully

[Jan1212]

Hmm, you don't know if it hasn't interfered with his life. I somewhat believe pot is a coping activity, so if he's been smoking all these years, he hasn't learned to cope well with his stressors. So what happens when he stops, you know? For those who smoke regularly, they are simply not showing themselves.

Yea I am biased, mine smoked Pot since mid school. When I first met him I thought he was the greatest thing, but when he stopped to get a better higher paying job (which required drug test)... oh boy.

Heather, it is all up to you, not all stories end up the same way, do what makes you happy

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Oh, and I have more of a problem with drinking than pot. I've seen much more ugly behaviour on that.

Also have another vote from me here...alcohol is a much worse "drug" in many cases, even though our society refuses to take notice of it as such.

[hamster-bamster]

I know professionally successful men who have been smoking pot for decades.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I know professionally successful men who have been smoking pot for decades.

Me too! And nice ones, too.

[Pink santa]

Personally, i have no problem with it, as long as you feel you can trust that he will not try other things, and stats over drinking to get something better than the pot high. It seems to me that he know when he should be doing it, and him being successful is all the more better. I feel it is hard to deal with smoking, and doing other things , like drinking which is far more dangerous than marijuana, but i feel that if you don't want to use the drug, that is your choice, this shouldn't effect the way he feels about you or the way you feel about him that he does.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by sorta_fairytale

Me too! And nice ones, too.

me too - wrt to "nice".

and also I have known men who are not nice and have smoked pot for decades, so it is really not the decisive factor...

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

me too - wrt to "nice".

and also I have known men who are not nice and have smoked pot for decades, so it is really not the decisive factor...

agreed, definitely not...all personality types and types of people can smoke it...not just stereotypical "potheads"

[Sabrina]

My ex husband smoked pot (he tried to hide it from me) and it eventually wasn't enough and he went on to stronger drugs. That and other things eventually destroyed my marriage.

I would not date a man who smokes anything at all. Just not an option for me. It is a total and complete turn off for me.

[Harley47]

I've a buddy who has a doctorate in aerospace engineering and a minor in applied mathematics...smokes pot ALL the time. Cool guy, to say the least.

To answer your question, it is a matter of comfort and mutual respect. If you are okay with him doing it, then he needs to be equally okay with and respect whatever decision you make regarding you. A quick way to create one heck of a point of friction is for him to try to badger you into trying it if you don't want to. Outside of that, don't be afraid to communicate with him about it...are you okay with him doing it while you're around? Things like that should, I think, be addressed.

As far as generalities go, I don't smoke myself, but I've quite a few friends that do. I only ask I not be around when they smoke, and for the love of all that's holy, don't put me in a car that has it in there (NC considers all passengers in a car to be guilty of possession if marijuana is found, and my major is worthless without law school). I agree with the sentiment that I think alcohol is, on the whole, probably much more destructive than pot, though stories like Bub's do happen (which if you'll allow me to say Bub, I'm so sorry he would ever do something like that to you. ).

[k12573n]

Originally Posted by tradika

Don’t toke, it’s addictive and it’s bad for depression. Being around someone who does will lead you down that road.

Uhh.. marijuana isn't addictive. You can form a habit, as you might form a habit of drinking soda pop (which is worse for you than marijuana, by the way). And it has actually be used to treat depression.

No, it isn't for everyone, and not everyone can use it responsibly, but it isn't dangerous outside of the legal perspective depending on where you live.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by tradika

Being around someone who does will lead you down that road.

Nope. I lived with a regularly smoking (then, advanced to vaporizing for health improvement reasons) husband for 12 years and did not use. He used daily for back pain and sleep.

Started using on my own several years after the divorce, with a legal prescription, and use responsibly and am happy with that. Helps me sleep. Use tiny doses (in the form of chocolate or mango lasso which do not damage my lungs).

[HealingTimes]

My ex-partner smoked pot, and so did i before i got pregnant.
As soon as i got pregnant, i quit, and he never did. In the end, it was what drove us apart. He just sat around the house on weekends and evenings, never wanted to go out or do anything except smoke pot.

So we split up. 4 years later he quit too, and agreed that it was horrible and zapped all of his motivation and energy.

[Trippin2.0]

My bf has been smoking pot regularly for 10 yrs now. I used to smoke when he just started (we were on HS) but stopped the year after I graduated. In the last 4 years, I've never once felt compelled to light a blunt from being in his company (so that statement about "and you will too") is incorrect. Also, if he was going to need something "stronger" he would have needed it by now.

Thing is, there are actual pot conniseurs out there, my bf being 1 of them. They have huge respect for the herb, don't believe in abusing it, or using it to self-medicate and some can even explain different brand genomes to you Yes, my bf can show you which colour is what and grade its quality. From what I've seen its akin to drinking a fine wine.... They are well versed in the herb and won't tolerate smoking shyt either, just like a wine conniseur won't be caught dead drinking boxed wine and spit it out if you gave it to him

So what I'm saying is, my bf appreciates pot, he enjoys smoking it, and I've NEVER seen him high. He says he feels relaxed or buzzed, but you really can't tell the difference because getting high is not his goal.
Also would like to add that I prefer my smoking bf to a drinking bf. Thank goodness he stopped drinking, and he wasn't even a horrid drunk, maybe its just because "drunk bf" is obviously drunk and also I've been witness to so many alcohol - related tragedy... And then you see "high bf" and well he's still just bf. lol

That being said, only you can ascertain if your new bf is a pothead looking for a great high, (which I seriously doubt if he's been smoking for so long and still hasn't dabbled in hard drugs) or if he's someone who simply enjoys pot. And only you can decide if you are ok and accepting of your discovery.

[avlady]

I do believe alcholol is worse than smoking pot. my husband smokes pot every once in a while when he's really stressed out, and believe it or not, it mellows him out and i even enjoy that he is relaxed on it. He has a lot of responsibilities, so i don't mind if he smokes when he doesn't have to drive anywhere or do anything important. I don't smoke pot but i drink coffee and use eciggs.

[PapoPez22]

I don't see the problem, except it being illegal in some states.

I don't smoke pot, but can tell you for a fact I know tons of professional who use it. Most of them are productive people with successful lives and never felt the need to try any other drug. In fact, many of them rather not drink.

Pot (they say) relaxes them and helps them be creative. In fact, I have a friend who had a very bad tooth ache, and a marijuana tea resolved the pain. Its medical attributes are well known and are allowed for medical reasons in some areas. For me, it is absurd that it is illegal, honestly.

My advice to you: watch how he uses it and how much of an impact it has in his life. If it's too much and likes to be high all the time, it might be a problem that you're not willing to deal with. If he consumes other stronger stuff, watch out.

Also, watch the laws regarding pot in your area and ask him to be in compliance in order to avoid any situations that might end up embarrassing or damaging you. Its only fair!

[Heather11]

This was a very helpful perspective. From what I have seen, he's very "disciplined" about it and not a "pothead". Hey if he turns out to be the great guy I think he is so far and that's the worst thing he does, I couldn't consider it a deal breaker. He has so many core qualities I'm looking for.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

My bf has been smoking pot regularly for 10 yrs now. I used to smoke when he just started (we were on HS) but stopped the year after I graduated. In the last 4 years, I've never once felt compelled to light a blunt from being in his company (so that statement about "and you will too") is incorrect. Also, if he was going to need something "stronger" he would have needed it by now.

Thing is, there are actual pot conniseurs out there, my bf being 1 of them. They have huge respect for the herb, don't believe in abusing it, or using it to self-medicate and some can even explain different brand genomes to you Yes, my bf can show you which colour is what and grade its quality. From what I've seen its akin to drinking a fine wine.... They are well versed in the herb and won't tolerate smoking shyt either, just like a wine conniseur won't be caught dead drinking boxed wine and spit it out if you gave it to him

So what I'm saying is, my bf appreciates pot, he enjoys smoking it, and I've NEVER seen him high. He says he feels relaxed or buzzed, but you really can't tell the difference because getting high is not his goal.
Also would like to add that I prefer my smoking bf to a drinking bf. Thank goodness he stopped drinking, and he wasn't even a horrid drunk, maybe its just because "drunk bf" is obviously drunk and also I've been witness to so many alcohol - related tragedy... And then you see "high bf" and well he's still just bf. lol

That being said, only you can ascertain if your new bf is a pothead looking for a great high, (which I seriously doubt if he's been smoking for so long and still hasn't dabbled in hard drugs) or if he's someone who simply enjoys pot. And only you can decide if you are ok and accepting of your discovery.

[Vibe]

I see so many of these types of thread. "He smokes pot/ drinks alcohol/ doesn't have a gym membership/ is incredibly involved with some hobby I have no interest in/ was previously married/ is very busy with school/ etc. Is it a problem?'

My answer is usually, "I don't know. Is it?" And if it is, "Is it enough of a problem that it's a deal breaker?" Some people handle things better and others have a more difficult time with balance and moderation. It's not just about them either. There are certain things that I wouldn't put up with (such as smoking cigarettes), but another girl might not be bothered by that.

I think the best advice you got is that this is the honeymoon period. He's going to try to look good for you, and you're probably going to be more forgiving of faults that you see. Don't get swept so head over heels that you stop seeing the situation for what it is. Hopefully everything works out for the best. If a problem arises, be aware of it, then deal with it - whether it involves pot or something else.