Where is the love???

I'm going to start with my own BS...

I have been in 2 relationships for the duration of the last 5 years and they have ended in disaster. I was 22 when I was last single and had the time of my life, even if it was a time filled with sex and drugs, booze and bikes.
My son's mom and I had been friends for years and had dated each other's friends before we started a relationship. We had been dating for a month when she fell pregnant with our son. My job was a low level job, the kind of thing you do when you are living on the fringes of society, but I made good money and supported myself (and her) rather comfortably. Because I worked at night only, I thought it best to give up this position and take up a position in the same company that would enable me to work during the day so that I could spend my evenings with my partner and my baby (once he finally decided to arrive) even though this meant taking a pay cut.
I didn't really think it to be a good idea, but she (my partner, lets call her 'C') pressurized me into doing this. By the time we realised that the money on offer couldn't possibly sustain us it was too late, but I took up a night job to supplement our income. This meant that I was working 16 hours every day.
Eventually I got a better job in a different city and we duly relocated. Being the sucker that I am, I let 'C' talk me into getting a house we couldn't afford and despite the financial strain, she refused to get a job.
I worked tremendously long hours and this led to us drifting apart. She started going out to nightclubs with her friends and her younger brother and I was left to pay for all of this.
I drew the line when she came home at 8am one morning, stinking of booze and men's cologne, make-up smeared and looking ghastly. So we broke up, we tried to mend things, well mostly I did, but she was still young and enjoyed the freedom too much.
like an idiot I got into a relationship after only 2 months ('C' and I had dated for 2 years) and ended up moving back to my home-town after losing my job because I had failed to cope with the stress of the break-up.

In the beginning of this new relationship (we will call her 'S') everything was fine, but what neither 'S') or I realised was that it was the booze and the drugs that masked our incompatibility. We kept at it despite the obvious signs and within year we had been back and forth between 2 cities, running from ourselves. When I had finally had enough and ended it, she was pregnant... She had known I wanted to end it and had stopped using birth control, hoping to get pregnant so that we wouldn't split up. Fast forward 1 year and she was having an affair with a mutual colleague.

So there I was, 25 going on 26 and alone, heartbroken and a father 2. All my life I had battled depression and after all that had happened, women promising heaven and delivering hell, I had reached breaking point.

In the last year and a half, 'C' and I got back together, broke up and got back together again, with this came a pregnancy from her previous boyfriend and this depressed her as he had ruined her financially. For 6 months I was there for her, every single day, listening and caring, making her feel better. I stood by her and she got through it and I suppose that brings me to the point of this 'novel' : for the last month or 2 my depression hit a new low, I was unable to concentrate or show emotion. Last week she told me that she thinks I'm not a man, that I am depressed more than I am strong and that she needs someone stronger. How quickly had she forgotten those months where I stood by her after she left me for her boss, got pregnant with his child and I STILL took her back! Listened to her rage and supported her... How quickly had she decided to discard me when she no longer needed me...

So I ask you ; Where is the love?

L&L

Not in either of those women!

It sounds like you start at the wrong end of relationships; getting hooked because of sex, drugs, booze, and bikes! You have to get hooked on the other person and their personality and how well you work together emotionally and goal wise.

It is a horrible feeling to know you have given everything and not gotten anything in return but heartache. In my marriage I didn't need her support, I just didn't need her pulling against me. I was strong enough for the both of us. I'm skipping a lot but now I have found someone who is much younger than me. I'm not going to go into the age factor cause I don't wanna be blasted. It took me 30 years to realize that my wife was Borderline. Then 13 years into the marriage bipolar hit me. 54 now and I know what to look for. Absolutely start to forgive yourself and quit trying to think how you could have done anything different to make things work out now or in the future if that's what you doing. Please take some time to heal. It's different for everyone. Get yourself on good financial footing and be patient with yourself. I know I have given unsolicitated advice so forgive me if I've gone too far. BOL

Where is the love?
In my life, it's turned up in the most unexpected places ... though generally not amid great financial pressure, battling untreated mental illnesses, alcohol/drug use, unstable life styles ...
A lot depends on what love means to you. A lightning strike of hot passion that smoulders for weeks, then burns itself out? Or a spark that catches and grows, finding an endless supply of trust in the undergrowth it's built on. A love that seeks itself for fulfillment, and finds total fulfillment in that.
I know you're hurting badly. I hope you can find healing and some time to make quiet choices.
Roadie

I do not think you should be asking this question now. You should be focusing on making incremental positive changes in your life that would lead to better things - you need to work fewer hours and treat the depression and separate from people who bring you down by saying that you are not a man and lack strength.

Are the children healthy? Asking because of overuse of alcohol.

1st and foremost: my kids are both happy and healthy neither mom abused alcohol during pregnancy, but 'S' did smoke a bit of weed. As a result my daughter, Abigail, is a petit little thing, but has a keen mind.

I am under no illusions as to the reasons for the struggles in my relationships. I have never laid the blame solely at the feet of the women involved because I know I had a big part to play in the way things turned out. I did indeed start at the wrong end of things and definitely stretched myself a bit thin in trying to please them and myself, always looking for validation and gratification instead of finding peace and joy in myself as I did in the time I spent alone very recently. Being alone for a few months (before 'C' and I got back together) was a great experience and I think I am well suited to being alone.

We are still together, but I have made my feelings clear to her... Either we go for couples counselling and actively make a change or I will leave. Maybe a bit harsh, but I do indeed need to look out for myself and stabilize my financial situation.

I have had love before, real and uncompromising love, the kind that not only slowly starts burning from an ember to a flame, but also scorched the proverbial earth like lightening at the same time! And what I feel now, what I am experiencing now is not that at all...

Thank you, all of you, for the advice and support. It means the world to me...

L&L

I think you should be grateful that the kids are healthy because this is the most important thing and it was not in any way guaranteed. So in terms of key priorities, your life is OK and hopefully will get better.

Agreed, those kids are my life!!! My son is a gigantic, free-spirited ADHD child and my daughter is like a little love-bug when I think of them my heart feels pink

Thanks again for the advice, you guys are awesome

A wonderful way to put it - thanks and good luck.

A wonderful way to put it - thanks and good luck.

Regarding starting it from a wrong end - there is no right end, and love is like poetry and poetry has been known to grow out of dirt and flowers that are weeds can have the same amount of beauty as roses grown in botanical gardens, so there is no relationship between how "academically" and "purely" you approach the issue of partner finding and how much luck you will have as a result. In other words, there are no guarantees in either way you approach it and poetry is not guaranteed to grow out of dirt either - it just has been known to, from time to time.

I am not worthy, oh wise one!

Words I will hold close to my heart and in the forefront of my mind.

L&L