[anotherhuman]

i am estranged from my parents and my father's side of the family. long story short....my father's brother has exhibited very strange behaviour, and the family has ignored it for many many years. the brother makes very inappropriate sexual comments about other (female) family members, he is constantly commenting on everyone's weight, size, body, etc. i was visiting my parents and extended family after the birth of my second child. so everyone could 'meet' the baby. long story short, after an uncomfortable evening and awkward bbq at my father's brother's house, i was about to leave, i'm literally one foot out the door, and he comes from behind and cups my buttock cheek with his hand and jiggles my bum with his fingers. i spun around, shocked and angry, and he just grinned, and said "oh, can't take a joke?". i told my husband after we left. he was outraged of course. my parents were planning another get together with family, and i told them i would not be attending, and would never attend with my father's brother being present. i told them what happened. long story short....they didn't believe me (part of why we are now estranged).
now, i have a cousin who didn't have the best childhood growing up, and she visited my father's brother (her uncle too) a lot over summer vacations, etc. she came to view him as a father figure. i also think she has severe personality disorder, she is obsessed with her appearance, and i think likes the fact that this uncle will constantly talk about her body and appearance and praise her (you look really hot, etc). she sees him as a father figure (bizarre, i know) and a confidant. i recently found out that she told him she had an abortion several years ago. she asked him to not tell anyone. so, he proceeded to tell our grandmother (his mother), my parents, my father's other siblings, etc. my parents were the ones who told me. i promptly told them that this was none of our business, and i was not going to gossip about someone's personal medical history. while i'm not close to my cousin, i feel very badly for her. i don't think she has any idea that her confidence was betrayed, and she really thinks of this uncle as a 'substitute father' for the one she never had, and a friend, and a trusted advisor.
Question: I want to contact her to let her know, that he is spreading around everything she tells him. i think she needs to know that she shouldn't trust him. my husband thinks its none of my business and i should stay out of it. should i warn her? or is this stepping over more lines?
thanks!

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'm sorry this is all happening. This "uncle" definitely has some problems and needs therapy badly.

My friend, you said that this girl seemed to have a personality disorder -- well do you really think that she'd believe you if you told her? Since she views him as a "father figure" and tells him everything, I seriously doubt that she'd believe anything negative that you tell her about him. She's totally on his side.

I have to agree with your husband. Stay out of it, and let her find out on her own. She will at some point. She'll find out something that he's said that she told him in confidence. It's only a matter of time.

When dealing with family matters like this, it's just best to sit back and be neutral. That way, you don't get into trouble.

God bless and PLEASE take care. Hugs, Lee

[anotherhuman]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi ~ I'm sorry this is all happening. This "uncle" definitely has some problems and needs therapy badly.

My friend, you said that this girl seemed to have a personality disorder -- well do you really think that she'd believe you if you told her? Since she views him as a "father figure" and tells him everything, I seriously doubt that she'd believe anything negative that you tell her about him. She's totally on his side.

I have to agree with your husband. Stay out of it, and let her find out on her own. She will at some point. She'll find out something that he's said that she told him in confidence. It's only a matter of time.

When dealing with family matters like this, it's just best to sit back and be neutral. That way, you don't get into trouble.

God bless and PLEASE take care. Hugs, Lee

Thanks for the response! you are right. telling her would not be helpful, she probably wouldn't believe me and i would get myself deeper into this mess. i know that i partly want to tell her as a sort of 'revenge' at my father's brother and my father. and I should not do that. I'll let them sort themselves out. thanks for telling me like it is! and thank you for acknowledging how messed up this family situation is! in my last conversation with my parents, they told me that i need to see a therapist!!! apparently my father asked his brother if what i said happened actually happened. his brother denied it, and my father has decided to side with his brother. so where does that leave me, his daughter? I don't know. its makes me really sad. I have 2 daughters. if one of them came to me, and told me this happened to them, i would believe them.

[hamster-bamster]

You had great insight into your motivation by seeing the vengeful part of it and are doing just the right thing following Lee's advice.