[9874]

I've been feeling so free lately. Free from my mother's voice and presence. One issue for me is that when I wanna purchase clothes for myself, if they are not to Mother's liking I feel guilty and bad for hurting her. I must say it's quite restrictive, to not be able to wear certain style shoes, clothes, hair, etc. for fear that I'll meet Mother on the street and she'll criticize (has happened in the past, that we bumped into each other...).
This week I was feeling so free to wear a certain article of clothing and I was thinking, geez, you mean to say I've really finally come to this place where I can wear what I want without fear of Mother?
Today I see Mother's home phone no. on my caller ID. And all at once my fears returned. I no longer feel that I can go ahead and wear that piece of clothing that only yesterday I felt free to wear.
When I put the puzzle pieces together it all made so much sense: Mother had been out of town for 2 months. Just knowing that she's not around freed me up to be myself.
And now that she's back, I'm back to being the scared little girl. And I'm 35 years old!
I would very much like to get to a place where Mother doesn't live in my head rent free. And that being physically apart should not be the only way to gain distance. I'd like to be able to gain emotional distance even when she is in town.
Unfortunately at this point it takes for her to leave town in order for me to feel like wearing whatever I wish. Fortunately, I look forward to a time when I will be able to feel ok about wearing what I want even when she is sitting across from me.
If you have any insight into how to achieve this, I'd much appreciate hearing from you!
Thanks!

[alisandria]

Hmmmm, I am thinking for whatever reason this is an insecurity. A little on both parts perhaps??? That's ok, though, we are all human. So...hmmmm, thinking, thinking, thinking on this one. Let me see as a mom of a twenty year old I have thought a few times you are gonna wear that? I know, that I may have even been guilty of saying this...maybe more so when she was in her teens. The point I am making, at some points as Mom's we have to let that go, as hard as it maybe because we know we have to give our children that independence. It's really hard to let a child grow and go (I know my insides right now are screaming about this-but my outsides only trickle it). I'm by no means defending your mom's actions, I am just trying to find an understanding perhaps for it. In this way we can find a better way in dealing with it, or a different perspective in how we view it. You may never change this attitude or action with your mom. It could be one of those nervous tick thingies some people do??? That she never let go in this way??? Don't really know. Do you feel close enough to your mom that you could approach this (but I am thinking if you were, you would have already right?)?

Thing is often we cannot change the view, attitude, or actions of another. The only thing we can change is our perspective and our counter actions. You have every darn right to dress as you want. Maybe to break those uncomfortable moments when your mom says something, you can say in a humorous way, thanks mom for noticing. Smile. Not sarcastically. Just seriously whimiscally in a (purposely) nonchalant manner. Practice this in private if you have to (I've done that in front of a mirror, kind of like a public speaking exercise). I hope this helps you a little to break free from this. And just try to remember sometimes these things moms' do, are just reminants of a time gone past-we still see our children as our babies no matter how old they get, and sometimes we also don't realise we are guilty of old habits, and how much they affect our adult children. I know if I were doing this to my daughter, and it was affecting her so, I'd want to change. I hope you can help your mom see this too, in whatever gentle way you can get it across, and you coming out all the better for it. You sound like a caring daughter!!! G'luck, hugs Lisa

[Perna]

9874, my therapist commented once that after my stepmother died I'd get much better and that has happened, as you saw yourself when your mother was away. My stepmother died in 2001 and it's been a really interesting 5 years now. At first I kept grinning and singing "Ding dong the witch is dead!" and making a whole lot of negative comments about my stepmother and would occasionally feel guilty; then, as other, sweeter memories came, I'd feel guilty a lot and as if I'd been too hasty with the first comments and now couldn't take them/that attitude back.

It is you, not your mother who holds the key to how you feel. Only you can be in charge of how you respond to your mother. I found this article interesting/helpful: http://www.threeminutetherapy.com/chapter.html My stepmother was senile the last 8-10 years, starting with my father dying in 1992. I had some interesting exchanges on the phone where she'd get angry and hang up after yelling at me and then call back in 5 minutes with no memory of the call and we'd start the discussion all over and I'd know what NOT to say that time :-) Maybe you can do that for yourself, after you have a bad reaction to your mother or she to you, write a different ending, a new conversation that cleans it up better and helps you learn how to respond to her more surely, like yourself, instead of like she wants.