[jbug]

I have this person that I am friends with but have decided that I don't like the person I am when I'm around her. I become materialistic, jealous and very immature. I want to be an adult and find myself regressing when I'm around her. Well I don't call her anymore and told her a few weeks ago please don't call me after 8:00p.m. because I am back in school and will have homework to do. Well tonight I was working hard on my accounting and getting stressed when the phone rang btw it was 8:15 when this happened. It was Michelle. I calmly told her I was doing homework, reminded her of the boundary I put up and then she got mad. She said well I have to work...she only works til 8, 1 day a week the rest of the time she's off at 4 or 5. I told her that if she wanted to she could call me on her days off but right now I am busy with school and at the moment am working really hard on my accounting because I made a mistake and need to find it. I quickly got off the phone with her and went back to my accounting. Well I feel guilty because she doesn't have many friends and she calls me her best friend.

I don't want to fall back into destructive behaviors and think that if I continue to hang around her that I will. So my question is how do I tell her that I don't want to hang around her anymore without hurting her feelings?

Jbug

[Frozen_Heart]

What has popped into my head is a basic fact, YOU can't help how she feels about something. So, if you were to approach her and say, 'Michelle, I really busy with school right, so at this point in my life, I don't really have time to socialize.' You may hurt her feelings, but, IMO, I think it's most important to be honest in a kind way then to stress yourself over hurting her feelings.

[FaithisAlive]

Think back to what it was about her that drew you to be her friend to begin with. Did you enjoy being around her then? Did you have a good time and feel that she was there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on?

What is it about yourself that you don't like.. i mean if you become jealous and immature when you are with her.. as well as materialistic, why is that? Why would you be jealous unless you feel inadequate somehow?

I just want to bring a few things up so you can think about what it is causing you to become a person you don't like. Is it her fault? or is that you feel insecure?

She can't possibly understand you giving her the cold shoulder if you haven't been open with her about whats going on with you. True friends can tell each other everything.. not just good stuff.

If you think it is best to just end the friendship, find a way to tell her that. It isn't much different from telling a guy you aren't interested when he is in love with you. You wouldn't continue to lead him on to think he has a chance.

I hope you find a way to work it out without anyone's feelings being hurt. Good Luck!

[Perna]

I wouldn't call her and be "busy" in a way like Frozen Heart suggests if she calls you and eventually she'll probably get the message.

Friendships are hard work and both people have to want to work at them and if you don't wish to invest your time and effort with a particular person, that doesn't mean there's something bad about or wrong with you!

I think it's natural to be resentful or jealous if someone else gets more attention consistently or talks too much about themselves or their affairs and never quite gets around to letting you talk about yours or listening, if you do get to talk. I have nieces and nephews and use to be jealous of them because my stepmother would treat them (her natural grandchildren) "better" than she had treated me growing up, they were allowed to do things I had not been, etc. It sounds like this friend just hits some of your buttons and isn't a good match for you to want to be friends at this time.

Too, you could be honest with her, have a conversation where you tell her you're having personal problems and don't feel you can be a good friend to her at this time. If you keep what you say to "I" statements instead of anything about her (such as her crossing the very clear boundary you expressed to her) it is less likely you will feel badly and that she will be hurt. If you are talking about yourself and problems you're having she can only be hurt by twisting what you say and making it about herself, something you can't do anything about.

Put yourself and her shoes and think of how you would want a friend to handle it with you. That should give you the answer.

[Fuzzybear]

good reply!

growling to myself

[JustAPixie]

Why not try a little role play? What would you say to yourself, or want her to say to you if you are in her shoes? Would you want honesty... or would you like the candy coated lie better? It is a very tough situation to break up with friends. You can try the relationship tactics and make her mad so she breaks up with you, but I won't recommend that - lol!
You don't have to be cruel, but if she is dragging you down then it's better to cut the ropes. Just remeber that everyday you wait is making it so much harder.
Best of luck to you Janniebug!

My 19 yr.old daughter just recently had this problem with her friend...they have been best friends for the last 2 years...but her friend starting drinking and doing other things that my daughter is not into...their goals in life are totally different...my daughter tried avoiding her friend, but that just made her friend even more persistent with phone calls and im's...so my daughter spoke to her and said that she needed a "break" from the friendship..my daughter is away at school and her friend is not..this caused a separation for a short time between them.. they are still friends, though the closest of the relatinship has changed...and my daughter is glad that things have changed...

[Sujin]

Hi Jannie,

I just had to reply to this because I am going through a similiar situation. I ended a friendship a few years ago with someone I have known since we were children. I will probably make my own post about the situation, so that I do not hijack your thread , but I just wanted to tell you that if you really don't want anything to do with her, just stop the communication altogether, or keep things very short as far as if you run into her or if she calls you, and continue to let her know how busy you are.

Of course the ideal situation would be to be direct and honest and tell her exactly what you told us. The thing is, how would she take it? If you word things in a way that doesn't make it seem like you are putting the blame on her, such as telling her that you feel you have both grown in different directions and you feel it's time to move on, maybe she will be angry or upset, but at least it will make things clear. And don't feel guilty, she will be fine. I'm sure she will find someone else to hang out with eventually.

I wish you luck with this. I think life is too precious to waste time with those who have negative impacts on us. You deserve to feel good all the time, and if it means letting this person go, then do just that, and move on.

Sujin