how do YOU deal with disappointment in a friend

I have a very hard time dealing with this I just want to say that I am NOT disappointed in any of my current friends, either online or in real life. Some past "friendships" though still cause me a LOT of pain. I am tired of it

(((((((((((( fuzzy ))))))))))))))

I hope the day comes soon that you can value yourself unconditionally...that's a goal of mine as well.

It's a tough one for sure...

Usually what a person reflects on us is coming from inside, even when we have involvement. But, bottom line...the reaction of another is from within more often than from without...lack of tolerance, past issues, mood, opinion, beliefs, etc.

That includes my reactions as well.

Love,

KD

I tend to think of disappointment as wanting something the other person didn't. So, if I'm disappointed, that's pretty much about me and my expectations/desires. It's okay to be disappointed, it's like being sad when someone moves away, etc. I grieve and move on or, if it's minor (a friend late or cancelling a date or something) I tell them how much I missed them, how much I had been looking forward to seeing them, etc. and judge how concerned they seem for my feelings to see if the relationship is in trouble or not.

My T taught me about the more subtle feelings by having me reflect on a single feeling between appointments. We started with "humiliation" and the second week we did "disappointed." I found that each week I'd find instances where I felt whatever feeling I was working with! It was like looking at new cars and all you see for awhile are the cars you are interested in (as an experiment, try not to think of pink elephants right now). It was very very interesting and exciting. The morning after my therapy appointment I realized I was disappointed in my husband because he was going to the racetrack instead of/before doing the dishes (one of his normal jobs). So I expressed my disappointment to him and learned that his back was really hurting and he was hoping going to the racetrack and relaxing would help, either by feeling better or distracting him. I realized that I was the one who wanted the dishwasher unloaded (so why should I not do that, it being my desire?) and that I wanted it done right then was controlling and almost ridiculous. There's no rule that says when it has to be done! Too, I love my husband and want him to feel better. Bending to unload the dishwasher was not something that would help. The whole disappointment thing was a throwback to my days with my stepmother; SHE wanted the dishwashier unloaded now, not me :-) Disappointment "solved." I was able to hug my husband and wish him a good time at the racetrack and hope he felt better.

Thanks Kimmy for the insightful and helpful reply

If I may say so, I have seen a lot of growth in you over the past year

(((((((((((((( kimmy ))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

PS although my smirk smilie might have appeared sarcastic, I really appreciate your help and care towards me, especially of late And I respect the time and effort you put in here..... I couldn't do it and wouldn't even if I could

Although who knows what the future holds, maybe I will be admin on some other site (I don't agree with all the rules here although I respect them so however much I heal I wouldn't want to be admin here )

In all honesty, I want to spend less time online rather than more, although as many have said, psych central can be addictive

Well how was that for an off topic waffle

Any more supportive, kind and insightful replies would be very much appreciated

respect to all,
Fuzzy

(((((((((((((( fuzzy ))))))))))))))))))

and thank YOU for the kind and insightful words. thank you for noticing that i have grown...in more than one way i might add.

life's a journey of living, giving, loving and even hurting... what a trip!

You're "special" bear.

KD

Thanks Perna for your insight! Yes!! I think extreme disappointment and anger is OFTEN related to past issues and abuse. It is for me, and it was for some who hurt me. I still haven't learnt how to express my disappointment to a friend without appearing "needy" or some other negative thing..... so I usually don't even say when I am disappointed ESPECIALLY when I feel the MOST hurt and disappointed Abandonment issues partly, although my "neediness" and confusion has at times in the past meant I was abandoned anyway. At least I am not "controlling" though

Thanks again,
Fuzzy

(((((((((((((( kimmy )))))))))))))))

I have also grown in more than one way

Love,
Fuzzy

Fuzzy, as I understand your question, you are asking about being dissapointed in one of your friends, past or present, right?

I think dissappointment comes when we have expectations of others. Sometimes, these expectations are in place before we get to know someone really well. Sometimes, these expectations come as we get to know someone. Because they've been, or we've perceived them to be a certain way, we expect them to ALWAYS be that way. In my experience, people will always dissapoint you in one way or the other if we hold them to hard and fast rules.

I seriously doubt that anyone can ALWAYS be consistent in everything they say or do. That's part of being human.

Even with promises made, sometimes we make promises that for one reason or another, we can't keep. That's a biggie for me. If I make a promise, I will do anything within my power to keep that promise. But I have found that some people don't hold the same importance or exactly the same meaning of the word as I do. These people will say, "Yes, I promise" but in their minds, subconsciously they're thinking "If nothing else comes up."

What I've done is to wait and see if these people mean the same thing I mean when I say it. Then I keep it in mind for later reference.

I prefer to be friends with people that mean the same thing I do when I make a promise. "Actions speak louder than words" is something else I go by. Words are cheap, actions are priceless!

I feel the same way about what people say, even if it's not backed up with a promise. Personally, I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I give my word. I keep it. If a friend isn't as firm on that fact, it's annoying, but I accept it as a part of that person.

Bottom line; nothing is set in stone; go with the flow as much as you can. Like my siggy line says; "Things are only as important as I want them to be."

I hope I've made sense.

I am SO proud of you for stating your feelings on this thread and others. Keep up the good work!

Fuzzy,
I am so happy to see you expressing more,and not bottled up so much.
It's healthy to do this,letting things surface,and address them,even have friends help work with you on stuff.
I am very happy to see how much progress you've made over the years I know you,I'm very proud of you.
Well, do not have much to add here,for many have pretty much stated some of what I was going to say.
I didn't answer what your topic line is,oops,I drifted,maybe cause in RL I'm a loner and can't really relate.
Being a loner,has become as natural as breathing,I can say it started as a child (probably due to the dysfunctional environment)and after being burnt by some,I went back to being a loner,it's safer that way.
Another advantage is that I can go and do what I please,not having to work around others agendas.
For myself,being a loner,no longer hurts,like I said it's as natural as breathing.
It does hurt for me to see my son,not with friends,etc. he's comfortable with just being home when he comes home from school,he's a sophomore in college and commutes everyday. I shouldn't feel hurt though,if he enjoys his freedom,which he does,and has a great sense of humour but so conservative.
Fuzzy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sort of hi-jack your post,it just sort of prompt something out of my mind/heart.
Don't be hard on yourself,there are all kinds of people,different personalities,hangups,etc. Sometimes broken friendship or shaky ones,can really hurt and tempt us to obsess if things were because of oneself,but don't let this beat up on yourself,or doubt yourself.
A little wondering is good,but if a relationship seems it can't be mended,move on,for there are many who would like to be friends,there may be some out there that you have yet to meet.
Bottom line,you are liked by so many,and that is a wonderful thing, the heck with those who are unworthy.

(((((((((((( Fuzzy ))))))))))))))

Thank you (((((((((((( Tomi )))))))))))) and ((((((((((( darkeyes ))))))))))))...... I am back to my quiet cave for now I appreciate your replies and care, and expressing does help

xoxoxo to two sweeties
Fuzzy

PS Tomi it is some past friends who have disappointed me..... I guess it happens to us all, right? Some more than others

(((((((((((((((fuzzybear))))))))))))))))) You are soooooooooo cool!!!

I understand the pain of past friendships that have really let you down.
I don't handle the disappointment very well. I keep trying to figure out what I did wrong, 'cause I know it's somehow always MY fault. I can't stand it when "friends" dispose of you without a word of why or goodbye. They just lose touch. I get mad about that. You could at least yell at me about something or you know, call me an idiot-don't just fall off the face of the earth.
Anyway, that's how I handle disappointment in a friend.

disappointment is a tuffy for me too. i think it backs us down to basics inside ourselves. feels like a test. another test, dang. forces me to take a cold hard look at not only their boundaries and limitations, but, my own. it gets tangled.

disappointment is one of those bitter pills we have to swallow, huh?

mlyn, Jax and hillbunny, thank you!