[iknowbetter]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we have 2 children together. I am easy going, easy to get along with, not perfect by any means, but relationship-wise I am committed 100%. I know he loves me, but I also know that he does not share the same values/morality as I. I have been dealing with his 'incidents/episodes' for 4 years. He has issues with talking to other women, texting, emailing, calling, and I have confronted and communicated my feelings and views on cheating even if it is not the physical state of sexual intercourse. Of course he feels that he is doing nothing wrong, unless I was displaying his behaviors then it would be wrong and inappropriate of me to do such. I am beyond the last straw, last chance with him. I am constantly checking his phone in his presence and secretively. This morning I checked his phone and on his internet history I found searches that were unsettling to me. The searches were 'i -blanked- my ex wife, i -blanked- my daughters boyfriend, i -blanked- my daughters best friend', and the worst was 'i -blanked- my little girl'. When I went to the sites he viewed he went to a story of an 18 year girl and her daddy. There was a couple of these stories viewed and then the next one was a google search for spy cameras. Now obviously I feel I should be alarmed, but I am so passive and dismissing, I want to be sure I'm not overreacting. I have teen daughters and he has adopted daughters. I would NEVER think he would or could do something like this, but with a real search into pricing spy equipment I am fearful that this is not just a curiousity. I know I should ask him about it. But I also fear, that maybe I should wait and see what else he may 'be interested in'. Do I photograph these searches to ensure daughters (his and mine) are protected legally in case something does or has occurred. My teens are rarely home and are never alone with him. But I do not know where his interest or curiosity may lay. Constructive advice or questions only please. Thank you

[jadzea]

His having "incidents/episodes" does not sound too good. Why isn't he spending the time he is talking to these other women with you? It sounds to me like he is looking for something and he will continue to look until he finds it.

His google searches for cameras may be innocent. I search for a number of things that could be suspicious to people. I really am just curious. I spend quite a bit of time trying to understand why people do the dangerous and stupid things they do and will do searches based on these thoughts. On the other hand, he may think he has a need for this equipment.

I would confront him and make it very clear to him that your daughters are off limits. Let him know you will prosecute if he gets any ideas and you will not tolerate him going in that direction. It is OK to be easy going but it is another thing to be a door mat. Stand up for yourself and demand his respect. You may or may not get it but at least you will know where you stand.

[High Treason]

Searching through someone's Internet history is not good. Not only is it an invasion of privacy, but it's possible to get all kinds of impressions that may not be true. Depending on the day, I hate to think what weird impressions people could get about me by looking through my Internet history. I tend to end up a lot of weird places on the Internet. Personally I wouldn't stand for being in a relationship with someone who was "constantly checking [my] phone" or looking up my Internet history and I would never do that to her either.

I don't know the context of his contact with other women, so I can't say whether or not that's cause for concern. If they are just friends (he doesn't do anything romantic/sexual with them and doesn't try to) then I don't see any reason for concern there.

[Sweetone93]

Yes, "snooping" is not the healthiest, but when it results in finding things that should be known it becomes more "investigating". In all fairness, we all get a little weird on the internet every now and then and ONLY for that reason would I confront him for an explanation. Furthermore, we can all be a little twisted in our fantasies and not look to actually make them realities. Even still, I would not tolerate the callousness of engaging other women in flirting and what not and I definitely do not think that pedophile red flags should go ignored especially when these girls rely on you to protect them. I agree that a clear confrontation with hard boundaries is necessary. This is not something to ignore.

[RoseBee]

You are beyond the last straw and done working with him, so at this point it's just the waiting game until you are ready to end it. I don't check through phones etc. but sometimes when I Google something on my bf's computer his autofill will pull up some stuff. I don't go to the sites, but I ask him about it, usually jokingly so he'll blush. So, my vote is say, "I saw some stuff in your phone about blanking all kinds of people and then spy cams, are you going to start a movie production company?" If he acts concerned about your actions, say, "Well, you do all kinds of stuff I am concerned about and it never stops you. How does the medicine taste?"

[iknowbetter]

This morning I checked again and he deleted his history. Granted random thoughts and curiousity is fine, but to search specific porn and then spy cameras is not just curiousity in my mind. He had a variety of searches that googled 'saved' but he only went to the 'little girl' sites. I know it is hard to post on here, not being able to share a full story. I have never been a 'snooper', it has never been in my character. I am a very trusting person. But we have these 'incidents' every month for the first 3 years, and I think for this last year it has only been every other month or 2. When I relax, and do not question or look into his activities, everything seems fine. And one day I will be like 'huh this has been good' or he will get a 'secretive message' on his phone and i peek and boom he is being dishonest or down right inappropriate. My fear is I am a doormat, but if he has any thought of any of the daughters, it all must end now. I have seen his porn history before, and normally it wouldn't matter but this was specific and made me uncomfortable, and now it has been deleted. He only viewed the 'daddy' sites the other sites like I said was just in the google searches. I thank you for your feedback, and welcome more.

[iknowbetter]

I checked his phone this morning and it was clear of all history, imagine that. I know snooping is not healthy, but he drove me to this. I do it in front of him. He knows he can't be fully trusted. He could be a good man, he just uses the excuse 'it's hard'. I will speak to him again about my concerns, I know he will dismiss it or talk it away. I appreciate the feedback you all have given me. I'm sure I will be back for more advice. Thank you.

[Janae]

My heart goes out to you. This is a difficult situation to be in! I just left a man who was involved in some shady internet searches and activities (IMO) ... but there were no children involved. Once kids are involved, the threat of danger goes to an entirely different level.

Good luck with this, and please keep us informed about your situation, if you care to share!

[LostButFound]

Everyone has fantasies, that's for sure. Healthy or not depends on whether they indulge them or act on them, or attempt to.

It sounds to me like he is consistently violating your boundaries regarding fidelity in your relationship. Everyone has different things that they view to be cheating. For some couples, it's not an issue unless there is actual intercourse. For others, even viewing porn can be an issue. Different strokes for different folks.

To that end, however, you are also violating his boundaries by searching his phone. Though you do this in his presence, and outside his presence, it is still a very clear statement on your part without uttering a word. It says plainly "I don't trust you."

If you continually search the phone, internet history, etc, you will absolutely drive yourself crazy. As PP's have said, on any given day, anyone's internet searches might seem odd... but, context dependent. I don't think "I -blanked- my little girl" could be searched in any context than what it states plainly. Knowing that, nevermind distrust... with two teenage daughters, you've stumbled on a potential danger.

From a personal point of view, my advice would be to take screen shot captures of that exact search and sit him down and talk to him. I would be asking some very tough questions. Such as "why" and "is this an issue that needs to be addressed". Because the hard hitting reality here is that, if he IS in fact having these urges, and he does attempt to act on them, what happens? Two teenage girls could come away with some very serious trust issues and that's at a minimum, depending on what could or does happen. After talking to him, if I wasn't satisfied with his answers, I would start making plans to leave.