[mistrust]

Life after an adulterous wife can be difficult. Depending on how you handle this serious issue you have a fifty-fifty chance to reconcile your marriage. I can't help but to wonder if the chance is a true 50/50 opportunity. Well, I guess if it wasn't for BPD that I have then I wouldn't have made her cheat. @#$%^&*(......hmmmmm

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by mistrust

Life after an adulterous wife can be difficult. Depending on how you handle this serious issue you have a fifty-fifty chance to reconcile your marriage. I can't help but to wonder if the chance is a true 50/50 opportunity. Well, I guess if it wasn't for BPD that I have then I wouldn't have made her cheat. @#$%^&*(......hmmmmm

I am unclear on many things in your post.

1) Who told you about the 50/50 chance? I have never seen such stats. Where do they come from?..

2) You are saying that your BPD made her cheat. This is highly unlikely. For many reasons:

- It is not possible to make a woman cheat. This is because cheating is a clandestine activity done without the partner's knowledge. Even if you literally forced her to have sex with another man by inviting him over and strapping her to the bed, it would not have been cheating since you would have been aware of the activity. So, LITERALLY, no, it is not possible to make her cheat.

- On a more serious note, you are probably saying MADE HER CHEAT in a figurative way. As in "she reacted to your BPD-ish quirks and somewhat unreasonable demands by cheating on you". This is within the realm of reasonable assumptions (meaning - it is not blatantly false), but there are a myriad other reasons that are also within the realm of reasonable assumptions. She might have simply liked the other guy. No fault of yours. Or, she might have heard delusional voices in her head telling her to sleep with another guy. Or she might have been simply bored. Or, for no reason at all - just random.

So... relax and figure things out and please share who gave you the 50/50 figure. It reminds me of my late great grandfather (who died before I was born). He was an OB-GYN. It was so many years ago - before ultrasound. So he predicted the sex of the baby. And you know what - he had a 50/50 chance of guessing it right!

Same thing.

[healingme4me]

Hampster raises a valid point. My question is, why would you want her back, after cheating?!

[mistrust]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I am unclear on many things in your post.

1) Who told you about the 50/50 chance? I have never seen such stats. Where do they come from?..

2) You are saying that your BPD made her cheat. This is highly unlikely. For many reasons:

- It is not possible to make a woman cheat. This is because cheating is a clandestine activity done without the partner's knowledge. Even if you literally forced her to have sex with another man by inviting him over and strapping her to the bed, it would not have been cheating since you would have been aware of the activity. So, LITERALLY, no, it is not possible to make her cheat.

- On a more serious note, you are probably saying MADE HER CHEAT in a figurative way. As in "she reacted to your BPD-ish quirks and somewhat unreasonable demands by cheating on you". This is within the realm of reasonable assumptions (meaning - it is not blatantly false), but there are a myriad other reasons that are also within the realm of reasonable assumptions. She might have simply liked the other guy. No fault of yours. Or, she might have heard delusional voices in her head telling her to sleep with another guy. Or she might have been simply bored. Or, for no reason at all - just random.

So... relax and figure things out and please share who gave you the 50/50 figure. It reminds me of my late great grandfather (who died before I was born). He was an OB-GYN. It was so many years ago - before ultrasound. So he predicted the sex of the baby. And you know what - he had a 50/50 chance of guessing it right!

Same thing.

Yes, figurative speaking on the "made her" that's been the excuse for the last year half, she says that it is my fault that the affair happened and if I wasnt insecure she wouldn't have turn to another man. Sad thing is that our church has pretty much picked up her side also and said I have some changes to make for the marriage, yes she still attends but I no longer associate with the most of them. The 50/50 figure says that we can continue or not black or white I'm sure those are not professional stats. point is this; I read somewhere that BPD sufferers have a tendency to pack on the insecurities, I know I have but it's funny in a sort that I am only like that around her. Feelings of low self worth seem to be my norm when I'm at home. I'm a deputy and carry loads of confidence rather I'm working, speaking publicly, or just socializing. It's as if I am total dependent on her as a child to it's mother..Dude, this freaks me out and truly I know it's toxic, she has convinced me for years that I am a bad seed who is no good and all this bad things that happen are due to my insecurities and BPD..Scary thing is that sometimes Im convinced she's right and I deserved it. I would just love to find someone to share a oneness with but how...............

[mistrust]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Hampster raises a valid point. My question is, why would you want her back, after cheating?!

Well, I love her, we have a family and I guess the 2 biggest reason is scared of the unknown (tomorrow) and dont care care to be alone.....excuses excuses excuses...I know.........

[RoseBee]

Originally Posted by mistrust

Life after an adulterous wife can be difficult. Depending on how you handle this serious issue you have a fifty-fifty chance to reconcile your marriage. I can't help but to wonder if the chance is a true 50/50 opportunity. Well, I guess if it wasn't for BPD that I have then I wouldn't have made her cheat. @#$%^&*(......hmmmmm

You didn't make her cheat. She had a choice to or not to. She chose to. The question isn't a matter of percent, but do you want someone in your personal space that you know you can't trust to be loyal, faithful, and true? Why do you want her back? Is it because you feel guilty, like you should have done something different or weren't BP then she wouldn't have stepped out? Is this truly something you can get over, not think of again, and move forward from?

If it's guilt, then it's the wrong reason to stay. Your self esteem and trust have been broken. Make sure to see your therapist or get into therapy if you aren't. Don't internalize the blame because that will harm your chances at reconciliation and at moving forward, whichever you choose.

[High Treason]

"cheating" can mean a lot of different things to different people and can be a large number of situations, so it can also mean a whole lot of completely different things.

The cheating isn't the issue, though. That's a symptom of something. The main issue is whether you want to be in a relationship with her and if she wants to be in one with you. That's all you need to figure out.

I honestly don't understand monogamy, though. How does her having sex with someone else substantially change anything? It can be a symptom of something, though. For example if she had a long drawn out affair with someone else with emotions involved, that's a pretty good indicator that she is not getting something from your relationship that she needs. However, if she just got drunk one night and ended up with a guy in a hotel room, it may not mean anything and isn't really a big deal as far as I would be concerned.

[Perna]

You did not make your wife cheat; your wife's cheating is her own. The difficulty, for me, with continuing the marriage would be the long, hard work at rebuilding trust and intimacy. I'm not sure a cheater would be up to that so I'd be having to deal with my opinion on whether my cheating spouse was willing to put forth that kind of effort before I would commit to such, too.

[hamster-bamster]

The cheating is not the issue - the issue is the rest of it and that she blames you for her cheating.

Because... say if she said that she simply liked the other guy(s) without accusing you, that would have been humane, but she accused and blamed you.

... you do not need such a person in your life...

...moreover, since the issue is CONTAINED - you only feel those various insecurities around her, but not at work, so it is not a global issue in your life, but a local issue, the simplest route is to get rid of her... you yourself call her toxic... so just get rid of her and get a better wife - if you feel as comfortable speaking in public as you report you do, and socializing as well, you should not have difficulties meeting women so your fear of being alone is not justified.

So just do not continue on a path that has proven so precarious and unsafe for you.

[hamster-bamster]

PS What is the right English idiom to describe an exchange between two equally bad items?

In Russian there is an idiom "to swap an awl for soap", which does not make any sense when translated, but in Russian "awl" and "soap" rhyme and the idiom makes sense.

So basically if you have one bad wife and swap her for another bad wife, there is no gain and you could have just as easily stayed with the original bad wife without incurring the transaction costs of swapping her for the second bad wife.

The reason I am saying is this: had there been a PATTERN of bad relationships in which you'd been riddled with insecurities, then we could have said that the issue is on your side and any new person you choose would repeat pushing your buttons to hurt you, so you might as well stay with this wife and avoid incurring transaction costs of swapping her for somebody else.

It is not the case - you are generally confident. So it is a glitch of this particular relationship which has something to do with this particular wife. That makes it likely that your next wife or gf would be better for you, and you won't be swapping an awl for soap (again, excuse the seemingly nonsensical word expression).