[sinking]

Be it family, friends or boyfriends, i cant stand their company for more than a couple of hours in a row. it drains me.

not a big deal with family and friends but with boyfriends it is a problem (added to intimacy issues).

does it happen to anyone else? how do you handle it? does it depend on them or is it an issue of mine alone?

it makes me feel i am meant to live alone the rest of my life (sad) and i dont want it but i cant control my feelings.

help please?

[hamster-bamster]

since you mention boyfriends in plural, meaning that there is a pattern, it seems that the issue is yours. Maybe this is an extreme form of being introverted. "drains me" is the language that suggests your being introverted, because extraverted people gain energy from interactions with others, while introverted people feel that interactions sap their energy.

You probably won't be able to have a traditional marriage given the high frequency of interactions within such an arrangement, but it does not seem to be the case that you are bound to live your life completely alone.

You probably need to stop thinking of it as "controlling your feelings" (which is largely unproductive and close to impossible anyway), but start thinking of this as a problem solving exercise, and, thinking along these lines, start developing flexible arrangements in which you get to spend short bursts of quality time with boyfriends, interspersed with long periods of alone time.

Also, if it is the actual contact that saps your energy, but written exchanges are OK, you can add written exchanges (and/or Skype) to your interactions with boyfriends to increase connectivity.

I do not do that kind of cardio, but I am aware of its benefits - called interval training. Alternating high intensity and low intensity periods. Apparently better than steady state cardio.

You need something like that for your life - not steady state, but intervals.

Originally Posted by sinking

Be it family, friends or boyfriends, i cant stand their company for more than a couple of hours in a row. it drains me.

not a big deal with family and friends but with boyfriends it is a problem (added to intimacy issues).

does it happen to anyone else? how do you handle it? does it depend on them or is it an issue of mine alone?

it makes me feel i am meant to live alone the rest of my life (sad) and i dont want it but i cant control my feelings.

help please?

It is okay to feel this way, especially if you are an introvert and everyone else is an extrovert. Sometimes depending on how people act, can't stand their company for even just a few minutes.

[JadeAmethyst]

I agree with Hamster, and LR15, they have some input worth consideration. It will help you take care of you first, and enjoy your time together.

Regards to you,
Jade

[hamster-bamster]

A question to Sinking and other people who are introverted.

Does your energy get sapped equally by one-on-ones and by being in larger groups?

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

A question to Sinking and other people who are introverted.

Does your energy get sapped equally by one-on-ones and by being in larger groups?

Larger groups for me , I get very nervous around so many especially if i don't know them. I would much rather be either with my husband or alone. I am definitely an introvert with paranoid tendency.
warm thoughts

Even as an extrovert, someone who gains from being with people (the right ones anyway, otherwise yes, draining!), I am much happier having a couple of hours alone a day. I start to feel done in without that.

Like Hamster said have you tried to push yourself? Just wondering if you can plan things that are relatively short - like lunch with a couple of friends. You know that it's just an hour or two and then you're free. Just wondering if you tried these kind of things more and more and then you'll start to relax and enjoy them and the people there and company can start to lift you.

Hugs.

[yellowfrog268]

Originally Posted by sinking

Be it family, friends or boyfriends, i cant stand their company for more than a couple of hours in a row. it drains me.

not a big deal with family and friends but with boyfriends it is a problem (added to intimacy issues).

does it happen to anyone else? how do you handle it? does it depend on them or is it an issue of mine alone?

it makes me feel i am meant to live alone the rest of my life (sad) and i dont want it but i cant control my feelings.

help please?

Yes it happens to me as well. If I can't get away when I need to my disposition deteriorates quickly. I had a very hard time with boyfriends. I am lucky to have found a man who also needs his space and can appreciate the same in a partner. Maybe look for men who are willing to take it slow and give you time and space.

[hamster-bamster]

I have another question.

Does it matter if you are inside or outdoors when you are in groups of people or in one-on-ones?

I am just wondering is being outdoors could help. Maybe there is an element of... some sort of a quasi-claustrophobia in that you feel suffocated by their company. And that could be relieved by being outdoors. And, by the way, REI has all sorts of events for people that happen outdoors - I have never visited, but I know about them. Maybe fresh air could help.

[sinking]

Thank you everyone for responding.

- Hamster-bamster: yes, i am a very introverted type of person. Thank you for making me notice there are ways to deal with this problem. I already see my bf not so often, since he seems to be like me, but lately he’s wanting to see me more often. I LOVE writing but he thinks talking in person is better. I’ll try explaining him it would be better for me.

Regarding your firrst question (Does your energy get sapped equally by one-on-ones and by being in larger groups?) my asnwer is yes. They are both draining even if in different ways. In groups i can be quiet and let others talk but it often becomes boring and at the same time too hard paying attention to different people talking. In one-on-ones interactions instead, you have to pay attention ALL THE TIME to keep the conversation going and its exhausing!

Regarding your second question (Does it matter if you are inside or outdoors when you are in groups of people or in one-on-ones?) the environment doesnt play a big role in my experience.

- Riotgrrrl: i am already seeing people only for a couple of hours (having a meal together/movies) and avoid situations where i have to be around people much more time, but sometimes its unavoidable and i dread those times. The problem is i dont seem to be able to enjuoy even that little time! It always feels like a duty!

WHAT MAKES COMPANY ENJOYABLE IN YOUR EXPERIENCE?

[Citrine]

I am the same basically, I understand totally. coming away from supposedly pleasant gatherings makes me ill. I get home shut the door and need silence.

[Gale]

Originally Posted by sinking

Be it family, friends or boyfriends, i cant stand their company for more than a couple of hours in a row. it drains me.

not a big deal with family and friends but with boyfriends it is a problem (added to intimacy issues).

does it happen to anyone else? how do you handle it? does it depend on them or is it an issue of mine alone?

it makes me feel i am meant to live alone the rest of my life (sad) and i dont want it but i cant control my feelings.

help please?

Do you mind being alone? I don't see any prob with not having a boyfriend and wanting to spend time with yourself. Unless you are unhappy with that too. I am Like that. And with people come more problems. Imbrace your independance girl!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by sinking

In one-on-ones interactions instead, you have to pay attention ALL THE TIME to keep the conversation going and its exhausting!

I am going to offer a radical approach then.

Do not converse during one-on-ones with SO's.

Just enjoy each other's company in silence. Or, listen to music together. Or, watch a movie together. Or, make love. Or, just sleep side by side with your boyfriend. Or, go for a walk and each think your own thoughts. Or, go sit outside a restaurant now that it is summer, sip a drink and watch people, each by herself or by himself. Exchange a couple of comments when you feel like, but take off the pressure to converse non-stop.

A couple of reasons for this approach:

- Little children go through a stage called "parallel play". Read about it - it is a hugely important developmental stage, which precedes actual "playing together". There is something from that stage that gets carried over into adulthood. Say, I have a cubicle at work next to the cubicle of a male colleague who is extremely weird though very sweet. He is a cross dresser (think of PUMPS and MUSTACHE and BEARD in one man - for real). He is into electric cars, Indian food, and movies for very geeky people (he is an engineer at a tech company). I am not into any of those, and it is hard for me to converse with him because it is hard to follow his train of thought with all that geekiness, and I sometimes just focus on reading his body language to know when to nod appropriately as if I were following his train of thought whereas I am not following (VERY GEEKY). At the same time, when I see him sitting next to me and working while wearing his headset, I feel comforted that I am not the only person working and my boring work becomes a little less boring. Also, when my daughters were little, I liked sleeping on a couch knowing that they were playing together next to me - it was just wonderful to have them nearby. Also, I feel comforted by the presence of my cats at home, even though I am not that much into petting them, and, I believe, they are comforted by my presence as well - they like to sleep next to me.

What I am trying to say is that there is some sort of comfort that can be experienced by being next to a person without actually DOING anything with that person (conversing is DOING), but just being next to him. So maybe this is the kind of a compromise that may allow introverts to enjoy the company of others - without any expectations of doing anything together.

[Gale]

I also can't stand most peoples' company. I only have a few friends and a husband. I'm sure you can find a guy tht likes his independence too and that you get along with. But ya, most people are annoying. More people around is more support, but they all come with more issues. And lately everyone had issues and I can't handle their crap too. It's like sorry, I'm better off without you. Unfortunately it's parents in law. They don't go away. I can stand my parents, they are ok, but his. Ya I get the mood swings. I get how you feel. You will find someone.

[sinking]

Thank you all for answering.

with family and friends its easier because with family, i can hide away in my bedroom/leave home whenever i want and with friends, i can see them not so often/only when i feel like it. i was more worried about having this problem with my bf.


I dont mind being alone, i like it, but at the same time (rationally) i want to have a bf and build a family and be able to enjoy it.



with my new bf, i have found out that i hate chitchat but can enjoy deep talk (deep feelings/thoughts). chitchat bores me, annoys me and stresses me more and makes me feel like running home. of course we cant talk deep all the time, but knowing he is able to talk deep is helping me. i also like the "paralel play" idea, even if sometimes the pure presence of other people annoys me anyway. im discovering that i can enjoy my bfs caresses while we stay silent. i still dont feel like staying with him for too long but i told him so and its making me feel more comfortable and relaxed and willing to find new ways to help myself enjoying his company for longer periods of time. also, knowing i can tell him when im tired/need to go home and do not need to pretend with him and "suffer" in silence is making it easier.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by sinking

im discovering that i can enjoy my bfs caresses while we stay silent.

I think that caresses in silence can be deeply emotionally meaningful, and, a huge turn on (even though I am very verbal and like language). There really is no rule that says that you have to accompany caresses with anything. It is not a movie with captions - you do not need words.

Also (not that I have gone to, because they are expensive, but I know of them), one of my yoga teachers hosts "silent retreats". I think it is a Buddhist tradition, but not sure. They rent a place up in the mountains, and participants joins for a weekend of silence. I am sure it is deeply meaningful for them.

[1776]

I know I'm meant to be alone. I'm very uncomfortable around people and very inept. I'm not happy that I'm this way but I don't know how to cure me, so I'll go to my grave as an anti-social person. I do wonder what it's like to be normal, popular, loved.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by 1776

I know I'm meant to be alone. I'm very uncomfortable around people and very inept. I'm not happy that I'm this way but I don't know how to cure me, so I'll go to my grave as an anti-social person. I do wonder what it's like to be normal, popular, loved.

You apparently do not now what anti-social people are like. Anti-social people can be very charming and have social aptitude, but disregard some of the conventions of society.

You probably have social anxiety, which might be treatable in long-term therapy. You clearly want to be more social, so I hope you do get the therapy you need.