Giving off the wrong vibe socially?

I need opinions and help... I put myself out there in social situations, networking and such to try and meet new people and make friends. However, I feel like I must give off the wrong vibe or something but I don't know what I'm doing that people seem to shy away from me at some point. I make eye contact, smile, ask questions, have a sense of humor, show interest in the other person in conversation and I'm attractive ...im a little shy at first but I think I am the kind of person that's fun to be around. But at the end of the night, everyone else is FB friend requesting and I'm walking to my car alone...
I don't get it. I've literally stood in front of the mirror to check my facial expressions while talking. Sometimes people think I'm angry or sad when I'm not so in these situations, I think of something to keep a relaxed smile on my face. I try and keep my body language open..
I don't know what it is! Does anyone have this problem? What else can I do?

I had a therapist tell me one time I was giving "negative vibes" to men.....And I wasn't aware of that. You might consider seeing a professional to get some feedback. They are trained in noticing all sorts of things about people. I really can't tell what might be happening with you from your just telling me about it, alas.

You did say sometimes your facial expressions might not look friendly. We only have so much control over things like that, especially if we are busy talking..... You also said you are a bit shy, at least at first.

Speaking of first, are you ever asking people first about being on FB or do you wait for them to ask you?

I'm not really into FB since I don't have a big circle so yes, I wait to be asked -or not as the case is. It's a potential rejection factor.
What were you doing that was giving off the negative vibes to men?

Yes I have this problem daily and don't know what to do about it either. I of course don't put myself in social situations unless I absolutely have to. Even then I face this awkwardness daily.

Hmmm. Not being friendly, looking away, not showing interest in what they were saying, etc. It's been so long ago that I don't remember all the details. I just know when I stopped doing those things, guys started showing interest. I have been married almost 25 years.

Heather,

this is a long story, and you might wonder how it is relevant, but please read through the end and you will see how.

***

I had good social skills very early on, but I did not value them until I almost died and then lived as a victim of abuse for several years.

In 2009 I made a suicide attempt while being in a very bad marriage, followed by a period of several years that were altogether terrible because I was emotionally, verbally, mentally, psychologically, etc. abused by my ex 2nd H (to the point of giving up my custody rights to the daughters who live with him because he convinced me that I was a horrible mother; and, giving him all the money I got when my mom died (not part of community property) while feeling guilty that it was not enough for his needs).

It was a case of gas lighting exacerbated by the fact that the ex H was a mental health professional who obviously knew how to press all the right buttons at the right time. Plus, I have a self-defeating personality disorder and people with this disorder consistently act against their best interest.

I isolated myself from all my friends who were trying to tell me that he was gas lighting me, but I did not believe them (possibly, as one of those friends is saying now, there was a bit of a Stockholm syndrome and protecting the aggressor present in my case).

During those years of being abused and isolating myself, I never was flirted with. I did not have a car and was using public transit a lot, and nobody except for one crazy homeless guy, ever paid any attention to me. In the past, people used to flirt with me all the time and pay attention to me a lot. All of that disappeared, and I thought that it would be for life. I basically felt invisible, as if non-existent.

After the last suicidal period, my then p-doc gave me a little Prozac, which picked me up enough to help me find a job and start interacting with people, smiling a bit and having them smile back. It felt as if Prozac had revived my old self.

After 6 months, and, not instantly but over a period of several months (and still ongoing), I severed the connection with ex H (even though it means, right now, that I cannot see my daughters, but I would not submit to abuse even if I have to pay such high a price, atm), saw the situation for what it is, and, basically, had a reawakening.

I stopped taking Prozac when I realized that I could do without that crutch (but I am enormously thankful for Prozac which saved me when it was so needed, so I am not trying to be anti- or for- medications).

All the old social skills and the ability to attract people came back ten-fold.

I think this is because now, every time a tiniest interaction happens - say, slight flirting with a grocery store clerk (usually a guy, but does not have to be), just to say that we noticed each other and tried to make each other's day better, is a BLESSING. And I am aware, every moment, that I could have easily died (the suicide attempt was major and I was on ventilator for several days) and not lived to this day and never met this friendly clerk. So I am thankful for everything.

And people around me notice me again, flirt with me, smile at me, etc. But I no longer take it for granted, and each such interaction is a blessing that I value as one should value blessings.

Since I am older and plumper and, as you know, younger, thinner women tend to get noticed more, there should be a reason for why I get noticed even more than when I was young. So I think it is because when I was young, I took all of that attention for granted, and that was "written on my face" (arrogance, essentially). And now I do not - I am thankful. Because I remember how it was living as an empty space, an invisible person. And I always remember that I lucked out living to this day.

So I think that my being thankful is written on my face as well, and people pick up on that and are happy to talk to me, befriend me, etc.

The reason it might be relevant for you: to the extent that you are TRYING to get attention, it is written on your face. If you start appreciating every interaction, rather than treating it as a task, things might improve.

Sorry for such a long story, and I hope you see the point.

Hi Heather,

I agree with Hamster perhaps you are trying too hard.

Sometimes it might not be about your approach or your expressions.
Everyone loves a listener you may like to try some active listening, make eye contact (without staring at them) nod in agreement and repeat back what they have said in your own words so they feel heard.
Intuition is a powerful thing and if others feel your tension or needy vibes it can make people feel uncomfortable.

Try to relax, listen and just enjoy the moment.

Heather,

could you by any chance be depressed?

I have noticed that people pick up on very subtle signals of depression, most likely without being aware of what they are picking up on. And, many people would turn you down when you are depressed - not everybody has enough compassion to actively engage with a depressed individual.

Pretending that you weren't depressed when are is virtually impossible, because it is sort of written on your face. The only way out is treating the depression. Many people are very perceptive, without consciously realizing what it is they are reacting to.

When I do go out socially, I am not depressed. I have my ups and downs but at the moment, I don't feel "depressed". I'm excited to be getting out and meeting people.
I think nervousness may show but I always smile through it. Like I wrote, I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to do but maybe my expectations are too high.

thanks for confirming. based on everything you have written, I would expect that you come off as totally genuine, what with smiling through nervousness. Maybe Payne is right and you need a professional to reflect back to you what you might be doing without being aware of it.

I give off a less-than-friendly exterior, I've been told that can be intimidating. But once you see me actually interact with someone, you see I'm very outgoing.

For me, I feel like I give off a "don't mess with me" invisible vibe.

Do you talk too much? Do you not listen? This bothers me about people.
I have the same problem as you described. Forget going to a bar and adding alchohol to the mix! I think I'm dorky and insecure and I make fun of people and say the wrong things so I know why people don't like me. I feel defective. It's their loss because when I do get comfortable, I'm the best friend you'll ever have.