[Sapphyreopal5]

This is a lengthy post so for anyone who chooses to respond and reads all of this, thank you in advance!

The Relationship Aspect
I am currently in a bit of a weird situation. I met a guy in our anatomy and physiology class who really likes me for who I am. We started seeing each other a few months ago and met at the beginning of this year. We connect very well and I am very comfortable in my own skin around him, despite having different spiritual views and everything. The problem? He was incarcerated a few months ago (has a couple weeks left) for something that happened almost 4 years ago but was sentenced for it just this year (why the case had to take as long as it did, I couldn't tell you) but hasn't done anything wrong since that incident.

For understandable reasons my parents do not approve of him and I acknowledged all of their concerns when we had a discussion about it the other day. However, I have tried to tell them why I like him and why I wholeheartedly believe he will be able to succeed in life (has overcome some very traumatic, adversarial bumps he has run into on his life path). They refuse to listen to anything I have to say good about him and only see what statistics say about people in his situation, yet I believe with all my heart he will overcome the challenges that come with his having a record. Unfortunately, they do not even want him over our house "at least for now" because they are actually concerned about what their friends would think should they "approve" of this relationship.

Some Personal Background Information
I am currently 22 years old, am in school to become a Cardiovascular Technology (was accepted into the program this spring after taking the TEAS V exam [first shot too!]). When I was 6 years old, I was diagnosed with autism (solely based on the fact I didn't start talking in full sentences and such 'til I was 4 years old) and was put into special education classes for all of elementary school. None of my teachers and not even my own mother believed in me. Everyone thought that I was doomed to failure in life and I was treated as a fool in elementary school. My teachers made me read preschool level books (the type made of cardboard, cartoon pictures and really huge font with the most basic vocabulary you can imagine) until the end of 4th grade and was put through speech therapy until the end of 5th grade.

I couldn't even read most of the books, even though I hid this fact. I would grab most books and would just look at the pictures, yet I so wanted to read beyond my comprehension level. As a result, I ended up catching up in my literacy level (going from preschool level to the reading comprehension of a 6th grader) in less than a year without the help of anyone else. I would read books above my reading level and would take a dictionary along with it. I would break down the words again and again until I reached the most basic terminology possible (would break some words down as many as 10x or even more!). By the time the end of 5th grade approached, I was able to read the same material as the other children no thanks to my teachers who ended up lying to my parents about how much they've helped me out over the years. I would always try asking my paraprofessional over those years if I could read something more challenging since I was reading what I was given just fine. "No you're not ready for that" or "You can't do it because you're not ready".

When I was a sophomore in high school, I had very low self-esteem problems because of feeling ashamed about my educational history, my mom always putting me down, not many people accepting me for who I am, etc. I felt very lost and like my life was not worth it. As a result of this amongst many other things, I decided to attempt suicide. When my mother came to visit me in the hospital, all she said to me was "It's either you live or you die. You are doing this just for attention" and stormed out of the room. My father on the other hand actually was shedding tears and was really saddened I had gotten to this point.

In short as far as personality and such goes, I am eccentric, am into novel things (and in that have novel or beliefs that go against the mainstream), like to reach out to other people when I can (not asking anything in return while doing such), am forgiving, likes to see the possibilities and sees the world more subjectively than objectively, and I just want to be with someone who makes me genuinely happy (don't need a bunch of money to be happy). I am also considered to be philosophical, intellectually curious and pretty intelligent by a lot of people, including my former psychologist and even the school social worker I used to speak to a lot in high school.

Troubled Relationship with Parents, Especially Mother
Growing up, I always fell short of my parents' expectations no matter what (same with my siblings). When we were babies and would wake up in the middle of the night, my parents would throw us into the bathroom on one side of the house and go outside to smoke a cigarette while we were all crying. My mother was rarely ever affectionate to her children, especially me and my sister. My mother never believed in me. She even told me once that the day I was born, she "knew something was wrong with me". My mother used to always say things in front of her friends to deliberately embarrass me (there is the typical teasing parents do and then there's actually trying to humiliate your children in front of others as she did). She always yelled at me and my siblings when we were growing up especially me and my twin sister.

No matter what I do in my life and how well I do in school or anywhere else, she always questions my judgment of things and is a very controlling woman. Despite the fact that she questions my intelligence, she always asks me to research stuff for her and can't talk about abstract subjects for very long (has little grasp of things outside of the material world). She has gotten a little better over the last year or so but she still doesn't treat me the way she should. My mother overall is very insecure and always projects her self-perceived flaws onto me and my sister (who is now moved out). She rarely tells me she loves me, hugs and any other form of affection are very scarce.

My father loves me, is the more affectionate parent, and I actually have a pretty decent relationship with him. The problem is that he is afraid to upset my mother and goes along with what she says and does. He is the parent who is more willing to understand why I like my guy as much as I do and such, yet he "shuts me out" because of my mother being so controlling and him wanting to simply make her happy. It seems like my mother wants my father all to herself and is trying to take my father away from me more and more. My parents aren't even really that happy with each other and have very different preferences and ideals (cannot manage to handle their differences in a healthy way).

I have very different preferences in what I want in a significant other and how I want to live as far as lifestyle goes compared to what my parents have in mind for me. They are VERY materialistic people and are very much into "fitting in" with the crowd (don't really "believe" in anything major [whether it's spiritual, love, a sense of community, etc.], which depresses me big time), whereas I am the person who believes in helping other people even if it means going out of my own way, wants to live a life enjoying the simple things, and wants to be with someone who adores them and can live a happy lifestyle with. My parents care more about what to have at the next party as far as food goes or where they want to take their next vacation. They would also rather look good in front of their friends and are willing to screw over their relationship with their kids if it means making them look better in the eyes of others.


I know this is a rather long post and I appreciate those who have read this far and even those who choose to respond. I know I am old enough to make my own decisions yet I am frustrated my parents are trying to decide for me what is best for me and what will make me happy in life. How can they know what happiness is if they aren't even happy with themselves? How can I make my situation with my parents better? I will continue seeing this guy for multiple reasons (and not just because I'm attached but because we connect very well on multiple levels despite some major differences in spiritual views and such).

[RoseBee]

About the young man: There is nothing your parents are going to accept about him now, but maybe in time. Give it time, and when they speak negatively of him simply remind them that everyone makes mistakes, and you forgive them for the ones they made, and therefore should be allowed to make your own.

In that way, you are validating their concerns, but also drawing a boundary.

About the education: I am a special education teacher and am on the brink of livid at hearing of your educational history. I am so sorry you experienced teachers who didn't know how to support you academically.

About the Mom: Accept that you may never be close with your mother and just take her at face value. I had to do that with mine. She was raped at a young age and had me, but wanted little to do with me. Now we talk when she has a problem, but that's about it.

[Sapphyreopal5]

Originally Posted by RoseBee

About the young man: There is nothing your parents are going to accept about him now, but maybe in time. Give it time, and when they speak negatively of him simply remind them that everyone makes mistakes, and you forgive them for the ones they made, and therefore should be allowed to make your own.

In that way, you are validating their concerns, but also drawing a boundary.

About the education: I am a special education teacher and am on the brink of livid at hearing of your educational history. I am so sorry you experienced teachers who didn't know how to support you academically.

About the Mom: Accept that you may never be close with your mother and just take her at face value. I had to do that with mine. She was raped at a young age and had me, but wanted little to do with me. Now we talk when she has a problem, but that's about it.

Thank you for your kind, genuine reply. It hurts knowing that they won't even give him a shot (although Dad has implied he is willing to at some point, whatever that means), despite the fact that he is the first who actually likes me for who I am wholeheartedly and makes me feel genuine joy. He is deeply religious (Christian) and I am what those who know me best call me a mystic of sorts. If you ask me, it is huge that he accepts my views and me his! Despite those differences, we are willing to work through them just to be with one another.

I genuinely believe that with time my dad will come around and such. He was actually more accepting of things until something recent happened that interfered with their relations with friends they literally met at the end of December (is a long story but does greatly reflect the very issues I discussed in my OP). With my mom, I am not sure to tell you the truth. I really don't think her and I will have a close relationship at least not until down the road. I have tried to reconnect with her, open up with her, etc. yet nothing works. She just goes back to her old ways of how she treats me and it gets really difficult reaching out because she breaks my trust with her actions and how she uses the things I tell her against me. My whole life I have been trying to search for a new "family" so to speak, especially a new maternal figure who will support and love me for who I am.

My mother was never the maternal type and she doesn't seem to care for me the way I am (seems to "love" me out of obligation since she's my mother). It really broke my heart when she told me that she thought to herself there is something wrong with me the day I was born. I understand why and based on events that happened a few months back, she got a new understanding of why I am the way I am. My opening to her about those events did help my relationship with her. At the end of the day she still is who she is and well while I may have forgiven many of her past mistakes I feel I must move forward with my life. I realize that I must choose for myself what is right for me, despite the fact it contradicts what my parents want for me (isn't that how it works out a lot of the times anyways?).

As far as my education goes, it was my mom who followed the recommendations of the teachers and psychologists. It may seem like she was doing what she thought was best for me (and probably is), yet she didn't really consider to think twice about how they could actually be wrong. My dad actually wrote a paper in college about Autism and he actually presented his views about how I was diagnosed with it and was skeptical about my diagnosis. I realize that not everyone has experiences in school that I had. I have also seen other kids in special education who were not receiving the education they deserve. One of my high school friends in 11th grade actually was learning 6th grade math material (and I at one point tried to tutor her actually); I actually visited her class a few times and all the kids did was socialize most of the time. The teacher didn't care to help the students out too much, just made the class "easier" so she puts in less effort. I don't mean to make you angry with this, it's just I've seen a lot of kids fall into the cracks.

Again thank you very much for your kind words and advice .