Husband came home drunk...help

This has never, ever happened before. My husband and I have a good relationship. No abuse. We rarely fight. We get along very well.

This week the husband has been attending meetings in a different office, further from home. I knew he'd be busy and getting home later than normal so I've been keeping myself occupied by meeting with friends or watching movies after work. No big deal.

Tonight I knew he'd be home late. He told me he had an event to attend after work. I thought nothing of it and made plans with a friend to get dinner. He texted me a few times throughout the evening to tell me he was still at the event and sent me a photo with a few of his coworkers. Everyone looked happy (and sober).

Fast forward to 10:30 pm. He *finally* got home, talked to me for a minute, and went upstairs to use the bathroom. It seemed like he'd been gone an excessive amount of time, so I went upstairs to check on him. He was completely passed out in our bedroom. It took a lot to wake him up, and when I did he was slurring his words, and obviously COMPLETELY WASTED.

I was upset. He drove himself home, a 30+ mile drive, and could have easily gotten himself or someone else killed. Or arrested for a DUI. He went in the bathroom, threw up, tried to talk to me some more, and then returned to our bedroom and went to sleep. I just checked on him again and he's still sleeping.

I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I'm not against going out and having a drink or two, but I've known people killed by drunk drivers and am completely against driving while intoxicated. My brother lives not far from the event he was at, and I even told him he could stay with my brother or call him for a ride if he felt like he couldn't drive home.

Any advice? I don't know what to do. Our marriage is good otherwise, but this is an alarming, out-of-character behavior and I am completely against it. Worst of all, we were just talking the other day about life insurance and getting a will put together, and I would assume he'd have that in the back of his mind. Plus he was with his boss and many, many coworkers. You can't get intoxicated in that setting, in my opinion.

Help!!

Talk to him honestly and express your concerns. I come from a long line of alcoholics so alcohol in general raises a red flag for me. Some people are able to drink socially, I haven't known many. I would definitely bring up the fact that he drove after drinking and how upsetting that is. I understand that as an adult he can drink if he chooses, but there just is no excuse to driving. He's probably mortified.

Thank you AAAAA. He's still asleep. So...I guess we'll be having this chat after work tomorrow. I too have some alcoholics in my family, so I'm quite worried.

What's most alarming to me is that before this, he was always incredibly responsible about alcohol. If he knew he was driving, he'd restrict himself to one drink. He's a big, athletic guy and one drink won't put him into slurry, stumbly territory. I found his cell phone and he'd texted a friend about doing tequila shots, so I'm assuming he was being incredibly irresponsible this evening. I'm so disappointed.

Hugs to you ...my ex-husband was an alcoholic so I know things like this can be very scary, esp. since this is the first time you have seen him like this. Do you know of any new stressors in his life, most likely work-related, that might cause him to drink too much and overdue it on this one occasion?

He's been very busy at work, but nothing major has happened as far as I know. He's had a lot of issues with his parents and no longer speaks to them for various reasons. His mother has recently tried contacting him again and I know he's been stressed out about that - maybe that's what cause this behavior?

Thank you for the hugs. I really appreciate your advice.

Very possible...mothers can do damage like no other, I know all about that, too. Obviously it sounds like you guys have good communication, so hopefully tomorrow you can speak with him further about the events of the night.

I would definitely try and play down any anger you could be feeling by then (at first in the beg. of the discussion...just to see how he reacts, in case he already feels terribly guilty) and focus on the "being worried" side...about him possibly hurting himself, others, DUI, etc...and maybe find out how much he even remembers? Of course sometimes people don't even remember making the decision to drive, which is one of the more worrisome parts.

Then I would definitely try and get down to what is bothering him, since I am guessing something is (amateur psychology here, but since it is the first time ever for this behavior with him, just a guess)...and if it's his parents and he is willing to talk about his mother, I imagine you can figure out if she called again or if he is having strong feelings re: her and is unsure how to deal with them.

I really hope for both of you that this is a one time thing and that your conversation tomorrow will bring some things to light.

The thing I point out to my children (trying very hard to break that cycle) is that just because you don't drink all the time, doesn't mean you don't have a problem. Occasional, even rare binge drinking, to the point of black outs or passing out are causes for alarm.

Some people think that I'm super sensitive on this topic and I may be. But these lessons were learned the hard way and I would much rather not have my children repeat the mistakes of hubby and my parents (along with scores of Aunt, Uncles, and cousins). My father was successful in defeating alcohol, but I abstain because I don't know that I would be able to quit.

Good luck with your conversation tomorrow. I hope that this has opened you're husband's eyes.

Although this drunken behavior is incredibly stupid, irresponsible and dangerous I am sure you will find that your husband will wake up not only with a severe hangover but with feelings of regret and shame. It sounds to me like he may just have hooked up with the wrong bunch of people and lost his senses after the first few drinks had taken effect and misjudged his limits. Obviously the shots went straight to his head and he lost his common sense. I am disappointed that his fellow comrades and the venue serving the drinks allowed him to sit behind the wheel of a car knowing how intoxicated he was. He is lucky to have made it home in one piece and it is scary to think that he could have killed himself and others in doing so. Good luck with your talk and I am sure you will have one sheepish husband sitting quietly listening to what you have to dish out. All the best x

I have a bf that drinks socially, but excessively. I usually am out with him, but sometimes not. He does sometimes come home totally intoxicated, and I know the stress all too well. Adult men become babies. It's frustrating and heart-sore.
Personally I see it as disrespecting me and our relationship

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate the support.

This morning when he woke up, we had a talk about what happened. He claims he was feeling so sick because of the amount of greasy fried food he ate at the bar, and not so much the alcohol...which I don't really believe. He says he remembers everything that happened at the bar, conversations he had with coworkers, and that he waited a significant amount of time to drive home. He says he was “fine” driving home and when he got to our house and got out of the car, he started feeling nauseous.

None of this is great, but he does feel very, very bad about what happened and has apologized to me several times already. I don't think he'll be repeating this behavior in the future. If he does, though, I will have to think long and hard about my options.

@Jannaku - I think you're right about him getting swept up with the wrong group. He was with a group of coworkers he doesn't see very often (they work in a different office) as well as some colleagues from overseas who were in town for a conference. He's not a "let's do shots!" kind of guy at all, so I'm assuming he felt pressured into the shots when everyone else was doing them.

Does he know the basic hygiene of alcohol consumption?

How many drinks are legal in your state, for his weight?

That he needs to have at least one non-alcoholic drink per each alcoholic drink?

That he needs to eat a complete meal and not just a bunch of greasy fried foods?

It could be that since he normally does not drink, he does not know how to pace himself safely.

So happy to hear that all appears well and that he is remorseful about what happened and has apologized. All the best x