boundaries and manipulation issue with my mother

My mother and stepfather are moving home and have decided that I can have some furniture that they will no longer need. Its quite good quality and it will save me buying it for myself so I appreciate it. However, at the same time as saying that that's what my mother had decided to do - she also told me that she 'might have' one of my desks because I have two and also told me that really my sister would like a chest of drawers that I have back that she gave me a while back.

The thing is that I am on benefits and both her and my sister are much better off. But also, I really noticed that my mother didn't ask me what I would like but instead told me what she would do and what my sister would like.

Because I am in a weaker financial position and grateful for the furniture, I felt that I was being really manipulated and my boundaries crossed and that I couldn't speak up for myself.

Has anyone experienced something like this or is able to offer any advice about how to broach the subject with her?

Basically I would like to keep the chest of drawers - I don't really want to give it back to my sister as I am using it. I appreciated her giving it to me but somehow it just doesn't feel right to me to have to give it back once it was given because she's changed her mind (I've had it for about a year). I would also prefer to keep the desks as I like having one for each bedroom. I'm just afraid that when my mother and stepfather and sister come round to help move the furniture, that I will not be able to stand up for myself and end up giving away what I really want to keep.

This has been an issue in a way from childhood - with my mother taking my things and giving them away to charity very frequently or keeping them for herself, but it hasn't happened for a while.

It is hard that it is like that but the things do actually belong to the other person? I have a stepmother and I am the youngest but my stepsister's children (my sister is 13 years older than I am, the eldest) got all of my stepmother's furniture when she died even though I grew up with it and was around it and used it the longest, even my desk from high school my stepmother gave to my stepsister when she moved into her house and it's still in her living room.

If I were you, I would practice expressing firmly what you want; if you are using the dresser/chest of drawers, tell them that (don't take the stuff out of them; when they come to move stuff you won't have it "ready"). As far as the desks, having a matching set is nice but it is just furniture; work something out with your sister if you can, just assume she was going to trade you another piece for it? Or, appeal to her sense of symmetry too, that the "pair" works well for you at this time and make a vague promise that you'll give her both in 10 years or something. I had a single half of an antique pair of soldiers and my stepsister's youngest daughter had the other, eventually, unasked, I gave her my half so she could bracket her fireplace.

If you are one person you can't really use two desks? Looks aren't everything? I think because you want them so much it feels like manipulation or poo-pooing your feelings (the "Looks aren't everything") but sometimes what other people say can be very hard for us to hear because we are trying to hold on to something too tightly.

I don't think they are trying to manipulate you because you have less, that does not make sense to me. I don't think they realize how much you want the items. We feel so strongly about some things we think everyone must notice but as strongly as we feel, there are people who don't feel strongly at all, to them it is just like furniture in a doll house, something to rearrange. You have a sense of possession they are not aware of. I would let them know how much you want those things but I would also look at your wanting to hold on to furniture/things so much?

What sort of furniture is she offering to give you? What purpose will they serve in your place? Do you actually need the items? Do you have the space for them?

If the furniture she's offering to give you isn't actually useful, and if it can't replace the drawers or desks in their usefulness, then why not just decline taking their furniture? Perhaps part of the furniture your mom is giving you, she views as having more use to you than what you do have, and maybe she just doesn't think it would all fit into your home?

Because if you need the chest of drawers and they aren't planning on giving you anything else to hold your clothes in... it makes practical sense to keep the drawers. Although I don't know why you need two different desks - do two different people use them? Did your sister GIVE you the drawers, or did she give them to you on a conditional/loan basis?

Thanks for your reply. My mother is giving me a wardrobe and a double bed and a bedside cabinet which I need to put in one of the bedrooms I have. It will be useful because I am thinking of letting a bedroom to a lodger and so need to furnish the spare bedroom.

I think it was just that I noticed that she didn't ask me what I would like - she just made the assumption that she could make the decisions for me and hasn't respected the fact that some of the furniture belongs to me. It seems that sometimes she views me or my possessions as an extension of her in some way. I feel disempowered when she does this.

The reason I would like to keep two desks is that I would like one in each bedroom for myself and one for the lodger to use.

My sister GAVE me the chest of drawers and said nothing about it being on a conditional/loan basis. I would be sorry to lose them, but my mum's logic is that if I'm putting them in the lodger's bedroom then my sister should have them back because she's more important than a lodger. But in the future I may have my son living back with me again and he would use them. My sister hasn't said anything to me at all - but she has spoken to my mum and then my mum took it upon herself to speak to me. I would have felt a bit better about the situation if my sister had spoken to me directly herself, but dislike my mum intervening in this way because it seems controlling.

It is controlling and your mother's opinion of how you should arrange your house, you should try to chuckle at and cheerfully let her know it isn't how you see things. My stepmother did that, when I moved to my apartment she did not like where I put my bed in my studio apartment because the head "would be facing down the hill" (outside, the street was a hill! Who cares what's happening outside when arranging one's furniture inside?) and I liked my furniture off the rug but she insisted they had to be part on and part off or the rug was like an "island". I did recognize my stepmother had been dealing with moving furniture a good 20 years or more longer than I had so I admit the second "island" thing makes sense but I did have to seriously laugh at worrying about my head facing downhill?

If your sister gave you the drawers, call her and short circuit the sister-to-mom-to-you thing going on. Tell her you heard she was interested in the drawers but you're sorry, you're using the drawers and can't spare them now. It does not sound like sharing your plans with your mother is very helpful, she wants to butt in (not her business about the lodger and what furniture you would like in what room; besides, possession is 9/10ths of the law :-) I'd tell her you'd really like X and Y furniture she wants to give you but you you and your sister will be making your own plans together for after she leaves, you aren't interested in thinking about it right now and it's sweet she's thinking about you but buy, isn't she stressed enough having to move herself? (In other words, "Don't worry about me, I can take care of myself").

Thanks for acknowledging the fact that it is controlling - I felt that I was being controlled and my own thoughts overlooked, but its as if I've lost my voice with her.

I agree that its a good plan to call my sister. The only trouble is that I now feel guilty, because of what my mother said, that I want to keep the chest of drawers but that my lodger might end up using them - when my mother implied that my sister ought to have first choice.

I do feel that this was an attempt to manipulate me with guilt, and I know that I'm really vulnerable when it comes to being guilt-tripped because my dad has done it repeatedly throughout my childhood in a very controlling way. I'm only really now in my forties recognising how I've felt guilty about so much that its been a major reason for not standing up for myself and for having suicidal feelings.

Is it reasonable for me to want to keep the drawers even though they might be used by my lodger? I suppose I want to know if I have a good enough reason?

I suppose I feel that this is a sensitive issue because its about me standing up for myself within the family - whereas I've felt the least valued for many years.

It is reasonable to want to keep them for use for a lodger - you've already said that you're in a difficult financial situation right? Well... having a lodger would help you with paying rent. Explain to your mom your plan with the lodger - how much you expect to get per month in rent from a lodger.

Then explain that when you get caught up on any bills you might be behind, or purchase things which are truly necessarily (like say, getting a new pair of glasses because your prescription has been changed), then tell her that after then you will consider purchasing a dresser and/or desk. And that when you've been able to purchase those, that you'll gladly give the ones you have now to your sister.

I think it sounds perfectly reasonable to have a desk in a room for a lodger.

Ad like Perna said - contact your sister. Go right around you mom and explain your plans with your sister. As you're on benefits, clearly a lodger would be beneficial to you. And a lodger is highly unlikely to rent if they have to furnish the room themself.

First of all, I don't blame you! Once something is given to you, it's yours! (even if it came from your mother) If it were me, I would explain that since you've had it for the past year, you've found it very useful and that it is being used for your belongings. I wouldn't bring it up to them and if it comes up again, I would explain that you are using it and you don't have a place for the items in it if it were gone.

If they say they are coming to get it, I would not empty it, but I would explain that if a time comes that you no longer need it, your sister will be the first one to know about it and she can decide then if she still wants it.

Hope this helps!