[luckyinlove2013]

Hello,

I cant believe I am doing this, opening up to strangers especially anyone in the medical field is a first. But here goes nothing!.....

I am 34 years old and have finally found the love of my life and my best friend for what Im hoping is a life time! I have always found the crappy relationships (abusive, cheating, mentally challenging), A few I tried to make more just in fear that my ex husband of 13 years was right when he said " You are overweight, a single mom with two teenage boys, that cant have kids...do you really think anyone is going to want you"

When I entered this relationship, it didn't take me long to realize that I never really felt true love like this. He is 39 with two kids as well and he even has a DAUGHTER! This isn't just love with him, WE have a real family. I love his kids as if they were my own and for the most part we get along great. My boys love him more then I ever thought they would and already have the sibling bond with the kids. We truly are blessed!

We connected very quickly and we realized we had so much in common including past heartbreak. ALL of my ex's other then him and one other cheated on me, and his ex wife cheated off and on over their 21 year marriage. So in all honesty we felt each others fears and concerns from the get go. Which seems to help when one of us felt threatened (due to past experiences). Neither of us want to take the past out on each other but sometimes demons haunt us.

Well there's a little about us... now comes what I/We need help with. I Love him with all of my heart and soul and I have no doubts that he also loves me. But we've lived together as a "Brady Bunch" family for about 6 months now... were engaged and we still catch each other staring at each other with a smile for no reason. (just not as often). However, we argue ALMOST daily... I feel that I am mostly to blame for the argument (I don't swallow my feelings as well as I should). I hate fighting with him and I just really want what we had at the beginning back (MY BEST FRIEND). I want us to stop intentionally hurting one another, and I don't want to cry any more. I want to break the feeling of routine... I want to go back to feeling needed and wanted and not be taken for granted. And I want the sex back!! Hes 39 not 59. He constantly tells me that I am beautiful... I wish he would show me, I want him to want me as he did in the beginning and as I want him EVERY day! Just as I know that I need to not get mad as easily as I do . And I also know that a antidepressant may also be needed....

but as of now I guess what Im asking for is any advice, I love him and know that he feels the same. We just need help expressing it... neither of us want to lose what we have together.

PLEASE HELP!

[eskielover]

Marriage councelling...might as well get it before the marriage to see if you both are really as compatible as your infatuation thinks you are.

First off, marriage doesn't stay like the beginning start off because it's not just about the attraction....marriage is about every day stuff that you need to be compatible with.....if you aren't & there is the fighting...then maybe you don't have the similarities that you really need for a successful marriage....it's not just about love....it's about working together as a team.

I stayed in a bad marriage for 33 years......fighting continuously....for me it was because I couldn't trust his decisions because he had even before we got married proved that he wasn't capable of being trusted especially for financial decisions. Unfortunately in my situation I didn't listen to my gut feeling that told me NOT to marry this guy......the hate grew from the constant fighting into the most miserable marriage I could have ever imagined.

You definitely need to go through counseling to determine the difficult places in your relationship & work on them now....if there doesn't seem to be an agreement on the things you are fighting over....all the love it the world won't fix it & the best thing to do would be to NOT get married or even live together because life will only continue to get more miserable.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by luckyinlove2013

I want to go back to feeling needed and wanted and not be taken for granted.

Hi, lucky, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). We're just other peers like you with struggles at different points in our lives, etc. So, all we can do is commiserate and give our opinions, worth a good $0.02

I'm 62, have 3 stepsons and grew up with a stepmother and stepsister (and my father and 3 brothers). I quoted the part of your post above that seemed to jump out at me.

It looks to me like you are trying to get your needs met by someone else and that can't work. Other people can't make one happy or feel needed, etc., one's feelings are one's own. Trying to get other people to say or do certain things and "arrange" them a certain way, etc. tends to annoy them as they are trying to arrange their own life and expectations from outside themselves just get in the way.

Feeling needed is a great feeling but dependent on someone else needing you and that's like going out pan handling and getting annoyed when someone else doesn't give you their money? You need to do work for yourself that makes you feel good and provides your own energy fuel.

Everything we do, we do for ourselves. For example, obviously the pan handler above goes out to get money for him/herself but the person who gives the pan handler money does that for themselves too. They feel good giving the pan handler money or they would not do it. It is fine to say they do it for the pan handler, to "help" him but that is not the primary reason and the other person cannot know if it helps the other person or not because they are not that person or looking at life from that person's point of view. "I helped the pan handler" is the primary reason; but if you told the giver the pan handler went and bought drugs with that money, would they want to take responsibility to "helping" the other person then?

I did not live with my husband until I was 35-36, so living with another was kind of new and getting use to how to do that, "interesting" :-) The biggest thing I have found in my 23 years of marriage is that my point of view is very personal and was taught to me mostly by my stepmother as I was growing up. My stepmother was very controlling and so I was taught the "right" way to do things so I can get angry and argue about everything from wet towels on the floor and toilet paper running out to who takes out the trash, when, and how the money is spent, at the drop of the hat. Anything at all, I'm there with an opinion that is guaranteed not to be the same as my husband's :-)

But, how important is it to get my way? How important in the grand scheme of things is when the trash gets taken out this time?

How important is it to get my way? That important? Fine, so why have I not ensured that my way happens if that's how I want it? Why am I trying to get other people to do it my way when it is me who wants it? I don't like running out of toilet paper so I check the toilet paper under the sink every now and then and make sure there's an "extra" roll. Now, I could resent that my husband does not ever check and I often find there is no extra roll under there but. . . my husband doesn't care if he runs out of toilet paper. When/if he runs out, he deals with that problem in the moment, when he has that problem to deal with. If you think about it, I spend a bit too much time worrying about toilet paper

Actually the most important thing I've learned is that my husband is not an extension of myself. As close as we are, as good friends as we are, as much as we love one another, telling my husband to do something has occasionally produced dramatic results.

We go to the grocery store together. We came home and I, as my habit is, was carrying too many bags at once from the car into the house so I did not have to make a second trip. I was in the lead and got to the door and some of my bags were slipping and I called out in a panic, "Open the door!"

Everything stopped, except for my slipping bags. I ended up having to put all the bags down while my husband and I had a little "discussion" about "open the door". Apparently he took that as a command, not an urgent "request". It is an imperative sentence. I had had enough therapy to realize that I was so use to my stepmother ordering me around that I did that to everyone else, matter of habit. I have since, often :-) changed my ways, the feeling of everything stopping for a heart-to-heart discussion on the front porch not being a difficult memory to call to mind, LOL.

Do you ever just arbitrarily stop and think about what your boyfriend says, what he's arguing and why and why you are arguing another side? You do not have to keep a clean house, you know; there are other houses cleaner, dirtier, messier, whatever. What chores you take on is either from your background/training or person desires. I take out the trash often now, quite happily, because I can either take out the trash and live with the man of my dreams or I can take out the trash and live alone? When I want the trash taken out, who's job is it to make sure I get what I want? When I want the trash taken out but I'm doing something else, say cooking dinner, I call to my husband, "George, would you take the trash out right now, please? It is in my way", and then I wait for an acknowledging response or I look to see if he's putting his shoes on and getting up from his chair, etc.

Think about what you want and how you can get that or ask another to help you but don't assume they will. Don't worry about what others want, that's their problem to get (themselves or by asking you). If you are working on a task together (money management) then you can look at and ask about joint monies but one either trusts one's partner or one does not? One speaks to and treats a friend and partner like a friend and partner, not like a child or employee. But if one's friend and partner "forgets" or has never learned that, then one has to model the behavior and also lovingly teach the principles when one is sure one has mastered them one's self. Part of teaching is knowing one's self and being able to say, "When you call me names like 'stupid idiot' I feel angry and less likely to want to cooperate with you and see things your way." immediately, when it needs saying.

Think about yourself and how to get what you want when you talk to your boyfriend; it's a little like sex where one has to tell one's partner what one wants?

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by Perna

Hi, lucky, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). We're just other peers like you with struggles at different points in our lives, etc. So, all we can do is commiserate and give our opinions, worth a good $0.02

I'm 62, have 3 stepsons and grew up with a stepmother and stepsister (and my father and 3 brothers). I quoted the part of your post above that seemed to jump out at me.

It looks to me like you are trying to get your needs met by someone else and that can't work. Other people can't make one happy or feel needed, etc., one's feelings are one's own. Trying to get other people to say or do certain things and "arrange" them a certain way, etc. tends to annoy them as they are trying to arrange their own life and expectations from outside themselves just get in the way.

Feeling needed is a great feeling but dependent on someone else needing you and that's like going out pan handling and getting annoyed when someone else doesn't give you their money? You need to do work for yourself that makes you feel good and provides your own energy fuel.

Everything we do, we do for ourselves. For example, obviously the pan handler above goes out to get money for him/herself but the person who gives the pan handler money does that for themselves too. They feel good giving the pan handler money or they would not do it. It is fine to say they do it for the pan handler, to "help" him but that is not the primary reason and the other person cannot know if it helps the other person or not because they are not that person or looking at life from that person's point of view. "I helped the pan handler" is the primary reason; but if you told the giver the pan handler went and bought drugs with that money, would they want to take responsibility to "helping" the other person then?

I did not live with my husband until I was 35-36, so living with another was kind of new and getting use to how to do that, "interesting" :-) The biggest thing I have found in my 23 years of marriage is that my point of view is very personal and was taught to me mostly by my stepmother as I was growing up. My stepmother was very controlling and so I was taught the "right" way to do things so I can get angry and argue about everything from wet towels on the floor and toilet paper running out to who takes out the trash, when, and how the money is spent, at the drop of the hat. Anything at all, I'm there with an opinion that is guaranteed not to be the same as my husband's :-)

But, how important is it to get my way? How important in the grand scheme of things is when the trash gets taken out this time?

How important is it to get my way? That important? Fine, so why have I not ensured that my way happens if that's how I want it? Why am I trying to get other people to do it my way when it is me who wants it? I don't like running out of toilet paper so I check the toilet paper under the sink every now and then and make sure there's an "extra" roll. Now, I could resent that my husband does not ever check and I often find there is no extra roll under there but. . . my husband doesn't care if he runs out of toilet paper. When/if he runs out, he deals with that problem in the moment, when he has that problem to deal with. If you think about it, I spend a bit too much time worrying about toilet paper

Actually the most important thing I've learned is that my husband is not an extension of myself. As close as we are, as good friends as we are, as much as we love one another, telling my husband to do something has occasionally produced dramatic results.

We go to the grocery store together. We came home and I, as my habit is, was carrying too many bags at once from the car into the house so I did not have to make a second trip. I was in the lead and got to the door and some of my bags were slipping and I called out in a panic, "Open the door!"

Everything stopped, except for my slipping bags. I ended up having to put all the bags down while my husband and I had a little "discussion" about "open the door". Apparently he took that as a command, not an urgent "request". It is an imperative sentence. I had had enough therapy to realize that I was so use to my stepmother ordering me around that I did that to everyone else, matter of habit. I have since, often :-) changed my ways, the feeling of everything stopping for a heart-to-heart discussion on the front porch not being a difficult memory to call to mind, LOL.

Do you ever just arbitrarily stop and think about what your boyfriend says, what he's arguing and why and why you are arguing another side? You do not have to keep a clean house, you know; there are other houses cleaner, dirtier, messier, whatever. What chores you take on is either from your background/training or person desires. I take out the trash often now, quite happily, because I can either take out the trash and live with the man of my dreams or I can take out the trash and live alone? When I want the trash taken out, who's job is it to make sure I get what I want? When I want the trash taken out but I'm doing something else, say cooking dinner, I call to my husband, "George, would you take the trash out right now, please? It is in my way", and then I wait for an acknowledging response or I look to see if he's putting his shoes on and getting up from his chair, etc.

Think about what you want and how you can get that or ask another to help you but don't assume they will. Don't worry about what others want, that's their problem to get (themselves or by asking you). If you are working on a task together (money management) then you can look at and ask about joint monies but one either trusts one's partner or one does not? One speaks to and treats a friend and partner like a friend and partner, not like a child or employee. But if one's friend and partner "forgets" or has never learned that, then one has to model the behavior and also lovingly teach the principles when one is sure one has mastered them one's self. Part of teaching is knowing one's self and being able to say, "When you call me names like 'stupid idiot' I feel angry and less likely to want to cooperate with you and see things your way." immediately, when it needs saying.

Think about yourself and how to get what you want when you talk to your boyfriend; it's a little like sex where one has to tell one's partner what one wants?

very well said, Perna! Just to add my two cents, sometimes thoughtful little gestures are very meaningful and can be defusing, while dealing with larger issues, as long as people don't feel manipulated.

[christine65]

Originally Posted by luckyinlove2013

Hello,

I cant believe I am doing this, opening up to strangers especially anyone in the medical field is a first. But here goes nothing!.....

I am 34 years old and have finally found the love of my life and my best friend for what Im hoping is a life time! I have always found the crappy relationships (abusive, cheating, mentally challenging), A few I tried to make more just in fear that my ex husband of 13 years was right when he said " You are overweight, a single mom with two teenage boys, that cant have kids...do you really think anyone is going to want you"

When I entered this relationship, it didn't take me long to realize that I never really felt true love like this. He is 39 with two kids as well and he even has a DAUGHTER! This isn't just love with him, WE have a real family. I love his kids as if they were my own and for the most part we get along great. My boys love him more then I ever thought they would and already have the sibling bond with the kids. We truly are blessed!

We connected very quickly and we realized we had so much in common including past heartbreak. ALL of my ex's other then him and one other cheated on me, and his ex wife cheated off and on over their 21 year marriage. So in all honesty we felt each others fears and concerns from the get go. Which seems to help when one of us felt threatened (due to past experiences). Neither of us want to take the past out on each other but sometimes demons haunt us.

Well there's a little about us... now comes what I/We need help with. I Love him with all of my heart and soul and I have no doubts that he also loves me. But we've lived together as a "Brady Bunch" family for about 6 months now... were engaged and we still catch each other staring at each other with a smile for no reason. (just not as often). However, we argue ALMOST daily... I feel that I am mostly to blame for the argument (I don't swallow my feelings as well as I should). I hate fighting with him and I just really want what we had at the beginning back (MY BEST FRIEND). I want us to stop intentionally hurting one another, and I don't want to cry any more. I want to break the feeling of routine... I want to go back to feeling needed and wanted and not be taken for granted. And I want the sex back!! Hes 39 not 59. He constantly tells me that I am beautiful... I wish he would show me, I want him to want me as he did in the beginning and as I want him EVERY day! Just as I know that I need to not get mad as easily as I do . And I also know that a antidepressant may also be needed....

but as of now I guess what Im asking for is any advice, I love him and know that he feels the same. We just need help expressing it... neither of us want to lose what we have together.

PLEASE HELP!

You have a strong foundation. I understand the trust issue thing due to past relationships...but as hard as it is let that go...hes not the other guy and your not the other women....

I have a soft heart and my feelings get hurt easily but more so from the ones i love especially my bf....

Just dont argue its not worth anything good for you or him...just know ur different with different views and thats a good thing....

you guys will make it by the sounds of it...spice it up for him some night. just dont argue its sooo not healthy for u both or the kids...u love each other show love first Good luck

[Confusedinomicon]

Maybe you need to relearn how to communicate.

If your previous marriages (both) ended badly you could be applying those bad 'habits' of communication to the new relationship. Just a thought.