[daledge99]

My husband had a long-term affair, 4 years!!! I was in the dark for all but the last six months. He did give her up, say he wanted to stay married to me, went
to several sessions with me to see a marriage counselor. All good.

We have gotten to a much better place. I just cannot forgive him though. I am still so hurt.

He does not want to discuss anything to do with his affair. He says it takes us
"backward". I am sure he must feel awful. He does protect the other woman when I use bad language when I refer to her. I know that even though he said it was just sex, he had feelings for her - ouch!

I still hurt. I cannot forgive him. What he did was inexcusable!

Will I remain stuck without forgiving him?

[hamster-bamster]

Do not use bad language speaking of the other woman.

Do explain to him that you need to talk about the affair, and that you won't use bad language, but just need to talk. Tell him not to shut you up. He does not get to decide that talking about it takes you guys backward - they are two of you and when he says "us" for the two of you while not being congruent with your personal take on this (you personally do need to talk about it), he is overstepping personal boundaries. It is not ok to say "it takes us back" when in essence he is just not in the mood to talk about difficult subjects.

You won't be able to forgive him until he stops saying "this takes us backwards" when he really just means "I would rather not be bothered."

I agree with you - he must have had some feelings for her given the length of the affair, but still it does not justify your calling her names. So please explain that you just want to talk about it in neutral terms.

[healingme4me]

I agree about not calling names. It took two to tango.

I wonder, however, what about his affair with this woman, are you hoping to gain insight, into?

If it's to wonder what she had, that you didn't, I can see how that wouldn't be conducive to moving your marriage forward.

If it's to find out, why he would stray, and how to protect yourself from that ever happening, again, then getting down to what brought him to that point, would be a good start.

It's all about the motives involved, when asking the question. You are angry with her, him and I'd presume yourself.

It's a grieving process to reach the point of forgiveness.

I'd imagine, being a position of him returning, because the affair ended, I'd personally feel a lot insecure about why he came crawling back to you, so to speak.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by daledge99

I am sure he must feel awful.

Do not worry about your husband and what he is feeling, that is his job. He does not get any claim on telling you what to say, think, feel, do. Forgiveness is for you, when you don't need to "consider" the affair anymore, don't need to let it affect you and your actions, after you have healed. Were you to hold it "against" him, not forgive him, that is robbing you of your energy, not hurting/getting even or causing him any difficulty, just you. You would be the one that would be holding on to the dirty laundry.

[mojo321]

Infidelity is the hardest thing a relationship ever has to cope with. Here is a website that you might find useful:

Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage

The part of your story that bothers me is how much he would like to just move forward. That's easy for the perpetrator to say! Oh sure, it would be great to just move forward...for him!

This is going to take work. And that INCLUDES him. He should read that website too. It is fairly balanced. It doesn't give him the right to blame you for his affair, but it also sheds some light on how the temptation took a hold on him. Don't let him use this to blame you, though. He still gave in to the temptation instead of just communicating his needs with you better.

[mojo321]

toward the bottom of the page that loads from that link is a link to an article about forgiveness....here is an excerpt:

I approach the subject of forgiveness from the perspective of someone (me) who believes in forgiveness, but also believes that marriage should be fair. Since, in many cases, forgiveness is unfair, what should be done? As you will see in my responses to the three letters I've chosen, I support just compensation for some marital offenses, so I don't always recommend forgiveness. It should be an encouragement to those of you who have been feeling guilty about being unable to forgive and forget. But, at the same time, it should also encourage offenders, because the compensation I propose will earn you a terrific marriage, and it won't hurt at all.
.
.
...
In most cases, an offended spouse would be unwise to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money.

You HAVE to go read that whole article. The "just compensation" is extreme, but it HAS to be. The affair was 4 years, which is also extreme! I love this article. Here is the direct link:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

[daledge99]

Thanks so much!! Love the $$$ analogy, too!

[mojo321]

Great!

By the way, I want to reiterate that the pages at that website are for BOTH of you. Don't make the mistake thinking that it is "ammunition" for you to "use" and therefore you don't share the website with him because you don't want him to see your "playbook". HONESTY is the key. He has to read the same stuff you are reading. And you have to read what he finds there, too. THEN you can talk about it.

Good Luck!