[cool09]

Relationships with parents is one the strangest type of relationships. At what point do they stop telling you what you should and shouldn't do? I don't think it ever ends and you wind up never getting past certain things for years and years and the relationship becomes stagnant. And they act like the outside World doesn't exist and shouldn't have an effect on you. When you tell them about something in the real World that's effected you in some monumental or superficial way they seem startled and don't know how to react. It's odd.

Originally Posted by cool09

Relationships with parents is one the strangest type of relationships. At what point do they stop telling you what you should and shouldn't do? I don't think it ever ends and you wind up never getting past certain things for years and years and the relationship becomes stagnant. And they act like the outside World doesn't exist and shouldn't have an effect on you. When you tell them about something in the real World that's effected you in some monumental or superficial way they seem startled and don't know how to react. It's odd.

I'm a parent of 3. My kids are 17, 19, & 21. I don't think I will ever stop giving them my two cents on what they should and should not do. I think it's just natural for a caring parent to do this. However, I do make a point of shutting my mouth and listening to what they have to say also. I know worldly influences are huge. I just try to do the best I can for my kids and always be there for them. I also know that sometimes we have to agree to disagree. I wish you the best with your parents!

[nicoleb2]

i think it is different for different people. My mom never stopped being a mom, but she stepped back and allowed me to make my own mistakes. Was there for support when i needed her. I think she still would be were she still alive

[winter4me]

You don't say how old you are so it is hard to know how to respond....or not.

[Travelinglady]

Well, as the mom to a 20-year-old and a 22-year-old, I have to say that I still find myself opening my yap and giving advice, cautioning, etc. I am trying to be more careful, though, and am trying to step back.

I know I don't appreciate it when I get unsolicited advice (especially when it seems critical) from my 85-year-old mother. I will be sad, though, when she is gone, and I don't have that special someone who will care for me in that way. I have to say that she means well. But she did hang on too long with treating me like a little kid!

I think the bottom line is when a child is over the age of 18 and is working and basically financially independent, then the parents really need to be there when needed and not butt in too much. If a child is still living at home, then the child should pay a bit of rent and/or help out around the house.

If the child is over 18, and is working and financially independent, then as far as I am concerned, he/she fully meets the criteria of adult, and the apron springs really should be cut loose. And the parents should try to stay out of their child's business, unless asked--or if something really rough is going on with the child. We always care about the welfare of our children. (Of course, I'm talking about more "normal" parents--not abusive, etc.)

I do hold to the belief that parents have the right to have a say-so about what goes on in their own home, though. So they can set some restrictions about what children living with them can and can not do to some extent.

That's my opinion, anyway.

[winter4me]

My relationship with my grown children has changed a great deal. (they are 29 and 28)---
Of course I am still their mother, that doesn't change. They are more likely to give me advice these days than I am likely to give them. I just try to take a breath when the old mommy think pops in my emotional self and take a look at them as they are now.
Now and then though, they still want "mom" to be "mom"...
I guess it is safe to say that your parents never stop being your parents, but as you get older, you can change your behavior, which tends to modify theirs.

[tinyrabbit]

My parents never exactly started being parents in many ways.

But they still try to tell me what to do. I'm 32 and I'm scared of them finding out I smoke. I think it depends partly on what kind of attachment you have with them...

[henrydavidtherobot]

They never stop being parents. They will always give their thoughts and advice because they care. It's all about boundaries. You decide what is and is not acceptable in your relationship and let them know when they have crossed a boundary.

[cool09]

My point is parents are always way too tense about everything. I'm 49 and I can still tell when something I do or say frustrates or disappoints them without them saying a single word. Or you get certain looks (or absent looks) which makes things uncomfortable. I don't tell them how to live their lives or what to say. I expect the same. And they are not realists the way I am. Everything they say is sugar-coated (which gets under my skin) and they refuse to talk about truth. In recent years my manic-depression (for one reason or another) has caused me to stay away from family members. It's never been a functioning relationship due mainly to my mood disorder. It's just all odd to me.

[lizardlady]

I'm going to repeat what some others have said. Parents never stop being parents. Parents who care about their children are always going to care about them.

I work with adolescents, they complain to me that their parents treat them like they are a kid. I smile and tell them "You will always be her/his child."

Someone else mentioned boundaries. As the child becomes an adult it's time to start setting boundaries on what you will and will not accept from your parents. That doesn't mean they won't still tell you what to do. It means you can tell them you prefer to make your own choices.

What no one has mentioned is the stage in life when the child becomes the parent to the parent. It is heartbreaking. As my mother's dementia progressed I had to take over the role of parent to her to make sure her needs were met.

[JadeAmethyst]

My step-son is 23, son is 36, daughter is 40. My Mother is 81 this last May. It is like an being in-between so many lives, and I didn't mention the g.kids....the oldest adult-children are usually living their lives but still want the comforts of Mom at times. I was the same way, but elder parents rely on their adult children to care for them too. It is at times a bitter-sweet spot to be in. I tend to remember all the birthdays, holidays and special events we've shared over the years. And would not trade it in for the world.

warm regards
Jade

[A Red Panda]

My parents were never "supportive" parents. My mom's always been a controlling parent. That has never changed, and I'm just about 29. It isn't a healthy relationship, but I know that my mom is never going to really change - that's what she seems to think being a parent is, and she considers herself to be supportive. She isn't.

I had to make the change, and I set very strict boundaries with them. I don't tell my family anything which I don't want to hear it from them - I live far away so this is easy. On the other hand, if they aren't prying, I'll share more of the details of my life with them as long as I don't consider it something that they could use against me. Then again! If they still try to be controlling when I see them, then I'll share perfectly harmless stories that will piss them off. At least it gives them a focus.

I try to be as good of a daughter as I can, but I don't feel any attachment to them.

If they would let go of the "control" idea of parenting then I am sure we'd have a much nicer relationship!

[MarlboroChick]

I dont think they ever stop. They just step back after a while.

My parents never started being parents. One ran off, the other likes causing trauma.

To my mind i can only learn to accept they can't give me what I need and build as meaningful a life as possible without them.

This may or may not have any bearing on your situation.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by cool09

Relationships with parents is one the strangest type of relationships. At what point do they stop telling you what you should and shouldn't do? I don't think it ever ends and you wind up never getting past certain things for years and years and the relationship becomes stagnant. And they act like the outside World doesn't exist and shouldn't have an effect on you. When you tell them about something in the real World that's effected you in some monumental or superficial way they seem startled and don't know how to react. It's odd.

Originally Posted by cool09

My point is parents are always way too tense about everything. I'm 49 and I can still tell when something I do or say frustrates or disappoints them without them saying a single word. Or you get certain looks (or absent looks) which makes things uncomfortable. I don't tell them how to live their lives or what to say. I expect the same. And they are not realists the way I am. Everything they say is sugar-coated (which gets under my skin) and they refuse to talk about truth. In recent years my manic-depression (for one reason or another) has caused me to stay away from family members. It's never been a functioning relationship due mainly to my mood disorder. It's just all odd to me.

I get what you mean. Not every parent, has the ability to grow, as their children grow into adulthood. You mention that it's never been a functioning relationship due mainly to 'your' mood disorder. I am not often convinced, that the brunt of dysfunction in relationships, rests solely on mood disorders or one individual, alone.
Sounds like, your life, is met with judgment, opinions and reactions that are less than conducive, to your feeling like it's anything but odd.

[AAAAA]

Each family is different I'm sure, but never. As an adult child, my mother is still a pain in the butt. I remember my Great-grandmother still telling her what to do until she died. As a parent of adult children, never. I understand my children have their own lives. I understand that they need to make their own decisions and their own mistakes. But I will give them my 2 cents until my dying day.

The world is a difficult place. I've tried to create a loving environment so whenever they come home, whatever is going on in the world does not exist. At least for a few hours/days they are pampered and live in peace and calm.