I am about three quarters finished with this book, "Loving someone with Bipolar Disorder". The book thus far is very informative and is giving me much insight into my partner. The goal is to ultimately provide the tools to improve your relationship by increasing real communication and stopping "bipolar conversations" and to identify triggers to reduce episodes all together. While, I love the idea of this, I have attempted and failed this far.

I feel like EVERY and ANY disagreement triggers an episode, sometimes conversations trigger episodes, sometimes, I have no idea whatsoever. I am frustrated and feel that I cannot express my needs or frustrations, which many times have nothing to do with "bipolar" but could be related to anything, work, time spent, schedules, etc...without it being "perceived" as a character attack and ultimately triggering an episode, which is full of anger and rage. I UNDERSTAND bipolar, but it is so hard and I often feel that I cannot verbalize anything out of fear it will be a trigger. I have tried to change my approach, rather then being direct, I have tried to say "I feel this way" or " I need this" That is generally met with "if you think I am such a piece of ***** why are you with me, find someone to meet your needs" and mania (anger/blame/ irrational) sets in for days. I understand this is an illness, but I am at a loss for how to effectively have a relationship. I am trying to learn how to communicate effectively despite this illness but am more and more defeated daily, I don't understand the anger.

I want to communicate, I want to have a RATIONAL conversation, I want to be able to believe and trust my partner and have the ability to tell her anything and I want to eliminate triggers. I want us to work, but somewhere along the line, this relationship cannot be purely bipolar, somewhere along the line, I need to not be a punching bag and have a little respect and I am trying to learn and be more gentle.

We recently decided to live in separate households due to serious issues brought upon mainly by the illness, while I accept it takes "two to tango" This bipolar is beyond destructive. I think she has been manic since that move, I try to help by asking how she is feeling, if she has been journaling, encouraging her to sleep,eat, etc.... Sometimes, I am able to get her to commit to a routine, many times not. She is sometimes consistent with therapy, sometimes not.

Sometimes I get so frustrated and tell myself- fine, she doesn't want to eat or sleep- why should I try to make her and have her tell me "Im not your project" Sometimes I get angry, sometimes I feel SO sad that she cannot understand how much healthier she would be if she would make a few changes.

I really am trying to understand this all, and figure out our normal, but I cant sacrifice all of me a long the way. Please help me- if you are a partner or bipolar, I need tips....advice, anything....

[MarlboroChick]

Im not really sure what I can say. My mom has bipolar disorder, and so do i (apparently its rare for it to be passed down to the next generation, and thats a great thing). She might be angry about you writing a book and feel like your writing it abouther and not the disorder. Especially with her saying the 'not your project' thing. Does she have more manic phases than depressive ones?
I know its hard, but try to treat her like a 'normal' person. I get pissed off when people treat me like a disabled person. Maybe you should go to therapy too, so you dont blow up on her.
Is she on meds? She should be on meds.

Maybe my post was confusing, Im reading the book, not writing it. Yes she is on some meds.

[redbandit]

I think its great you are reading a book to gain further insight. I have this illness as well. I can't understand that perspective exactly, but it seems to me that your mother isn't very appreciative of your efforts to help her. Maybe she feels more responsibility that she should be taking care of you, rather than the other way around. I often feel that way. My parents and husband have to help me out a lot, and I often wish I was helping them instead.
t sounds like you're doing just about everything you can. You said sometimes she goes to therapy, have you guys ever gone together? It helped me when my husband went with me

[Joe-Anna]

I understand where you are coming from, but you have to be wary that you are not saying something that could be taken as patronisation. She is in a very vulnerable state and is possibly so embarrassed by being taken care of by her child, that she is unable to express her gratitude. Her emotions may be caused or exacerbated by the disorder but that doesn't make them illegitimate. She is picking up on the fact that you are changing the way you speak, and trying to steer the conversion. This makes her feel like she is being treated like a book. This is a tricky situation as, like you said, she is most likely manic from the move. You are doing everything you can to help her, but this could be a period where these struggles and arguments are inevitable. As redbandit said, group therapy together sounds like a great idea. I hope things get easier for you in the future.

[Trippin2.0]

I call ********!!!

I have bipolar and I don't abuse my bf or blame everything on bipolar either.
Sometimes life is shyt, that's not BP, sometimes work tried to kill me, that's not bp, sometimes I'm exhausted and moody, that's not BP.

See what I'm saying? There is more to an individual than their diagnosis, life is still happening we are not cocooned in a label.

Your GF seems to be taking the easy way out IMO.
Using BP as an excuse to treat you like shyt is a cheap shot, your GF needs to take responsibility for her actions. End of story, no ifs buts or ands.

BP does not mean being triggered left right and center by conversations, your GF sounds more Borderline to me, and no I can't diagnose, but I have that diagnosis too, so not too hard to spot if you know what to look for.

If you doubt my opinion, re-post this in the BP forum, I assure you that everyone will sing a similar tune to mine...

You deserve better you know, you are worthy of respect and just because someone is mentally ill doesn't mean you should forfeit it

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate your insight trippin- I agree and have stated that in the past, that BP is not an excuse for bad behavior, that got me nowhere. I also brought up my thoughts on borderline, she is not on board with that thought process whatsoever.

I really think she needs different meds and consistent therapy. Every conversation is ending in an "episode" at this point. Im disengaging until she at least recognizes what she is doing. Sucks cause we were supposed to be on vacation together and the last two were cancelled due to "episodes".

Thanks again for your thoughts.