[Cat97]

Im the youngest child in my family (I have one older sister whos in grad school),19 years old, and I'm a junior in college. Im so tired of living under my sisters shadow. she always does everything better than i do. She went to a great prestigious college, she's going to law school, she was valedictorian in high school, she was our high schools pageant winner...just to name a few. I remember one time specifically in high school one of my sisters AG teachers came up to me and asked "when are you going to get smart like your sister and get in the above grade-level classes?" People have always just liked her more than me in general. At family events people always tend to gravitate to her and I'm just stuck in the corner looking out of a window or something. My parents treat her way more independently than they do me... I've felt this way for the majority of my life and I'm just tired of it all. I want to be on my own out of her shadow. So I've decided that I just really want to cut myself off from my family, you know? I'm going back to school soon and I really don't think I'm gonna come back. I'm tired of being compared to my sister and at school nobody even knows my sister to have anything to compare me to. Im applying to jobs, i have my own apartment for when I go back to school, and I'm going to tell my parents that I'll start paying all of my bills(cell phone etc.)...I don't want anything to tie me down to them anymore and want to be free from them and the comparison i face as much as possible. Is cutting myself off the right way to handle this or am I doing things completely wrong?

Originally Posted by Cat97

Is cutting myself off the right way to handle this or am I doing things completely wrong?

I think you know the answer to that? And no, self-harm is not the way to go.

Hello and welcome to PC

Am sorry that you're feeling how you feel - it's rotten living in someone's shadow.. but as someone who has walked away from her family, please think carefully before you walk away from your family completely. Sure, if you feel better becoming independent then do it, paying for your own things etc would happen soon enough anyway. But please don't do anything extreme until you really know for sure that this is the right thing. I wonder if talking to your parents would help improve things?

I think perhaps some therapy may be of use? Is there anyone at college that can help? You need to learn to like yourself and also an outlet I think, and perhaps talking to a therapist would be a better way to go about it than cutting..

And... I know it may sound silly to you now, but I wonder if you think about it objectively that there are qualities about you that are better than your sister.. and I don't mean that it has to be academic. I bet too there are aspects to your sister that fall short of perfect because nobody is perfect. I wonder too if she finds the pressure of her parents and teachers to be perfect secretly very hard too! Sure, some folk are smart, and some not as smart but that's nothing to be ashamed of. We are all different with different skills and qualities and I think the most important thing we can do is to do our best. That's something to be proud of and nobody can take that away.

Please look after yourself..
Hugs

[henrydavidtherobot]

I understand living in a sister's shadow. My older sister was always in trouble and my parents barely noticed me growing up. When she died 3 years ago, it got worse with my mother because she was so obsessed with her death that she neglected to parent me. My mom had pictures all around her house if my sister and none if me, even though I have her framed photos of myself. It's hard; I know what you're going through.

However, cutting them off seems a bit drastic. Have you talked to them at all about this? I would reccomend doing that first. I agree that seeing a T could help.

However, I have cut myself off from my family before a few times. I did see improvement in my mental health and I feel that my family does appreciate me more. My advice would be to talk this out with your parents first and if you still feel the need to distance yourself, talk about strategies with a T or a friend first. I'm worried about your finances though. Supporting yourself on college is pretty difficult.

Hi, I think that cutting your family off may be a bit drastic. However, developing some more independence (like paying your own phone bill, for example) will help your self-esteem. You are young and still getting to know who you are - you are unique and special in your own way. There is no cookie-cutter type of a successful person, IMO, although society oftentimes paints that impression. I did the law school thing, law career and that whole route - and I'm just as human as anyone else and have a lot of my own issues.

Try and embrace yourself for who you are. I think going to school will be a great experience for you and give you the independence you need. It sounds like you need space from your family - but it also sounds like you are having some "black and white thinking" ... having family can be a good thing, despite their faults. Give yourself some time and enjoy getting to know you! Take care.