[morning8glory]

I got a letter yesterday from my mother. She should be receiving her nice letter from me at the same time.
My thing is I did not open the letter and do not want to open the letter. I think I should throw it away unopened.
But I am having trouble doing that. If I do not throw it away I will probably at some point open it and it could make me feel hurt again.
Its worse than playing russian rollet with her letters.
Her letters can be more hurtfull than a bullet.
I was thinking maybe I should put them all away and read them some other like after she died but how would that be a benefit to me.
I throw each and every letter away a soon as I read it any way. This time I think I should throw it away before I read it is that OK.
My mom does not seem to realize how she acts at times .
She can be really mean and then next time almost nice and if you try to mention some thing about what she said before she will not talk of it.
She will say I never did any thing to hurt any of my kids etc.
Her dad was very much like her and the family allowed him to be that way chasing even grand children around the house with guns me one of them.
The last time I stayed at my grandmothers home who I loved dearly and learned much from her I was sick my jaw was on the mend from a car accident the wires were not completely removed yet and it was Oct and my husband was moving our moble home to another village by him self and he had to sleep in it in the middle of the cold October for several weeks with out electric or other hook ups..
His dad would not help and they lived close enough my husband could of slept in his folks home but his dad was against our marriage so were not nice .
I stayed with my grand mother and grandfather until my grandfather got his guns out and started to threaten us and I said very loudy to my grandmother why do you put up with this and I was by the phone allow me to call some one to come get him and she would not. He put his gun away.
But at a young age I hid for a long time in the attic with my grandmother under a dusty old bed while he looked for us with his gun up and down the four level house.
So this type of illness runs in the family and they all think it is just some thing you are suppose to live with and endure.
Thats when a person should feel guilt about having a mental illness when they are causing hurt in a family and some members of the family want to help you to get help and you decide you will not get help that the family should love you the way you are.
If you are not doing your part to be as well as you can be then there is a reason to feel guilty when you know there is help for you. Morning8glory