Letter to my mother *TRIGGER*

First, sorry it's so long. I editted it a bit.
Second, if it's not appropriate - please delete it Mods.
Third, I wrote this on a whim because my mother is easier to write about then what my stepdad has done to me.
Fourth, I wanted to share some of what I feel so people understand me better.
Fifth, I'll probably delete this tomorrow by asking the mods to do it. I just want to get it out right now.
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That in mind ... TRIGGER.

Mom,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I don’t ever listen. I’m so hurt inside and I don’t know why. I hate being a disappointment. It hurts me when you’re upset with me. I’ll keep trying harder but I don’t ever think I’ll be what you want me to be. I’m sorry I’m disabled and I’m sorry I act childish. I know you don’t like me being myself. I’m trying to change Mom, just to make you love me. Just to make you happy. I can’t stand it when you keep telling me that you worry about me and you lose sleep over my mistakes.

I’m not special Mom, am I? I’m not anything you want me to be. Only thing you’ve ever complimented me on is the fact I have better social skills than my two sisters. It is also my downfall because I have the wrong friends and I don’t get straight A’s and I don’t like sports at all. I’m trying so hard to be happy and be a good daughter and do what everyone wants me to do. But that won’t ever be enough will it? You hurt me and say mean things and try to control me and push me out the door at the same time.

I’m sorry I’m so much like my Dad and how everything I do reminds you of him. I’m sorry he made your life so miserable that you had to divorce him, but how is this my fault? Was I the reason that things turned out the way they did? Was I the cause of the divorce? Why do you hate me so much? I know you don’t want me to be anything like my Dad and his family, but why do you have to keep picking on my qualities like that? I’m sorry I’m more like him than you.

I’m sorry I’m not like my sisters. I know I’m a disappointment and a failure. You have no idea how much it has hurt when people you and my sisters know meet me. They don’t have any idea who I was. Am I just not important? I’m sorry I’m an inconvenience and you can’t drag me around to everything you all want to do. I’m sorry about the wheelchair. I’ve tried to make it so you don’t feel guilty and will just leave me at home alone while the entire family leaves and does stuff together. I tried to pretend it didn’t bother me. It did. I cried every single time you all left me because I was afraid you would never come back. I was abandoned. It hurt so much and nobody noticed or cared.

It’s my fault for being emotional right? I’m sorry I don’t do very well bottling. I’m sorry I’m not better at dealing with things. I’m sorry I’m emotionally fragile. I’m sorry I can’t cope with things and I’m sorry I’m so self-centred. I know you don’t like my attitude and you hate the fact that I ‘act’ depressed. I’m sorry, but I do feel depressed. This is not an act.

Remember when I got really depressed in high school? You came into my room finally after it got really bad and told me that you finally realized something was wrong. I can’t remember what you said exactly, but I think it was something like ‘get over it’. I tried Mommy. It didn’t work. I tried to kill myself. The loneliness was overbearing. I was disappointed when I woke up. Then I tried it again that year and once again Mom, I’m still here.

You tell me to lose weight every single time I see you. I've tried. It's strange that you're worried about my weight, when my friends are all telling me that I don't eat regularily enough. Who should I listen to? I ate so little in high school that I got quakes and felt sick. You didn’t notice. I just wanted to not be pressured. I’m sorry I don’t like arguments and I’m sorry I wound up in tears so many times in the bathroom when there was a fight. I’m sorry I’m not stronger.

I’m sorry I don’t listen to my stepdad. I know I should listen more and do exactly what he wants. I did Mommy. He hurt me. He touched me. He fondled me Mommy. He said if I ever wanted it again that I should tell him. That made it my decision. I’m so bad. My body reacted in a bad way. I have bad memories and can’t let anyone touch me there because it reminds me of it again. Maybe I should ask him to do it again. I know I deserve the abuse. I can’t tell you because you won’t believe me or you’ll think I did something to deserve it. I know I deserve it Mommy. I’m a bad daughter and person and I deserve all sorts of bad stuff for not being good and paying attention.

I’m sorry I don’t understand what love you gave me. I don’t even remember what it feels like. Is it so hard to say that you love me? I just want a hug Mommy. I’m sorry you found that annoying. I’m sorry I keep asking for affection and asking for a simple hug or for you to tell me you love me. I don’t even care if it would be a lie; I just want to hear it from someone who I thought was supposed to love me unconditionally. Why do you always nitpick on what I’m doing wrong and never tell me that you’re proud of me and tell me what I’m doing right? Am I really that big of a screw up? I promise I’ll be good Mommy.

I’ll be very good and quiet and not depend on anyone ever again Mommy. I won’t trust anyone because trust is bad. I won’t ask for help because you’ve told me that if I do then people will treat me differently. I won’t ask anyone for help ever, even when I might need it. When people ask me if I need help, I’ll make sure to deny it. When I need help, I’ll remember that there is someone else out there that is worse off and needs help more than me. I don’t deserve help. I won’t ask anyone to give me a hug even though that’s all I really want. I know nobody will ever love or care about me like my family does.

I’ll try to be good and start emotionally bottling again. I should have never trusted my emotions; I should never have been so comfortable that I started expressing myself. Nobody cares about how I feel inside. I don’t deserve any help. I’m not supposed to need it. Self-sufficiency is good right? I won’t trust anyone else. I promise. I’ll be good and not believe people when they lie to me. Lying people tell me that I’m all sorts of good things and that I am special but I’m not really.

Why don’t you like my friends? Why does our family make fun of them and say mean things? Why does our family say bad stuff about everyone who is different from us? I don’t want to do that Mommy. I’m sorry that I don’t participate. I won’t be a bother and I won’t be upset over the family just having ‘fun’. I’m trying to be a good friend and a good daughter. It just comes hard sometimes because I never know what to do. I know I overreact and that I should just laugh things off. I’m sorry I’m trying to treat everyone nicely. Everyone besides my family deserves to be treated badly and be talked about behind their backs.

If I get rid of my friends, will that make you happy? I’m trying to get rid of all of my nice friends Mommy. I try to hurt them because I know I’m not supposed to let anyone get close and try to help me. I’m not loveable. I know I shouldn’t listen when my friends say nice things about me. I’m just supposed to shrug it off and not listen to anyone besides my family. So I’m trying to hurt my friends so that they leave me. That’s good right? Maybe if they leave then it won’t hurt so much. If you tell me one thing and they tell me something else, it hurts Mommy. It really does. I don’t know how to deal with my feelings.

You remember me picking my head in high-school? You asked me why I did it and I said it was because I get itchy. Then my hair started to fall out. I’m sorry I get so stressed out over nothing. I went from picking my head to scratching and then to cutting. I can’t show you though because you won’t understand. It will give you another reason to worry and another reason to hate me and I don’t want to do that. I just want you to love me. I’ll bleed away my pain. Then I can be happy and well adjusted and everyone is happy. Is that okay with you?

I love you. I do love you. You’re not a horrible mother, and I know I’m only picking on your bad qualities. We have fun, we sometimes talk. We laugh. We do some good stuff together, I just wish it was more than the bad stuff. I don’t hate you. There is nobody to hate but myself. If I tell you that I’m sorry for being me, would you forgive me and hug me and tell me you love me? Will I ever be good enough? Am I worthy of love? Can you please hold me and hug me and make me feel better? I don’t feel very good right now Mommy. I’m slipping into a big, black, ugly hole and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared Mommy. I can’t tell you that though because you don’t care. Since I don’t live with you anymore, it doesn’t matter how I feel – you told me that. Would you understand me at all if I said I was depressed?

I love you Mom. I always will, no matter what. Your daughter, Christina

((((((((christina))))))) sounds like we have the same mom. i thought i had dealt with mine ok, but i was so, so wrong.

i'm sorry you're so hurt. just know that your mom is wrong about you, totally. you're a good person with a kind heart and a lot to offer.

love, candy

Sounds like my parent too. They are WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!!!!

((((((((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))))

<font color="#000088"> i'm sorry christina....i haven't much to give today...but whatever i've got - its' yors!!!! (((((((hugs))))))))) </font>

I don't feel like I deserve anyone responding to me. I know it's not that bad. I'm sorry for being self-centred. Thank you all. ((((((everyone))))))))

Sorry that people understand and can empathize

I wrote my mother a tribute on the Suicide Wall. If any one of you would like to do so, please feel free. It's too long and I can't remember it word for word. Anyway, it's in the style of a letter. I wanted her to know that it didn't matter
what she became later in life, only that she was here.

I'd like to start off by saying don't try to be who your mom wants you to be. Be yourself. It's sounds so cliche, but it's so true. Your mom isn't trying to make you "the good person" she's claiming. She's trying to live your life for you. She's making your decisions, because that's how _she_ would lead your life. It's not her life. She has her own, and it's her fault if she didn't live it properly. The fact that she's taking it out on you is bad in itself. What's hard to understand is that she isn't a good mother. I don't mean to be insulting, but this is in response to "You’re not a horrible mother, and I know I’m only picking on your bad qualities." It's hard for you to see that she's not the mom you think she is because she's the only mom you've got. It's not like you're given a line-up of moms to compare and contrast. You have one mom who tells you she's a good mom, so you do what _any_ person in your situation would do - you believe it. You need to realize that all the times she insults you and says you're living incorrectly, she's the one that's wrong. About the way she nit-picks your qualities that remind her of your father, she's simply going about her hate for him all wrong. Of course things that remind her of him will make her depressed, or angry, etc. However, just because one bad person in the world has brown hair doesn't mean that everyone with brown hair needs to dye theirs. The things you have similar to your father do not make you the bad person he was. Your mom is simply being reminded of bad times, and that's something she needs to come to terms with - not you. You aren't doing anything wrong.
Again, to wrap, live life for yourself. Stop trying to make her happy - she won't be. If it's not against the law, _generally_ it's not a bad thing to do. So disregard her opinion on the matter and do what makes you happy. If she thinks whatever you're doing is wrong, that's her mistake. To her, if it's not how she'd live your life, then it's "wrong," but that's obviously an incorrect stance on the situation.

I hope that helped some.

Hi Charlie!!!
Thank you for that wonderful insight on my posting! I want to know if you would read the tribute I made to my mother on the Suicide Wall??? I know what you're saying, but that was when I was vunerable to her RULES of the House!!! thing when I lived there. And parts thereafter.......it
was hard trying to break free from being the "dancing" doll.
She would pull the string and I'd come running....no matter what. I use to do that with everybody then. Not anymore.
You have been a great help......thank you so much.
When she committed suicide Charlie, I blamed myself cause I didn't save her. I still ponder what could I have done to change her mind? I will never live that down. Do you have any thoughts on that? I'd love to hear them!!

drummergrl, my post was in reply to canders7; but if you can relate to it, it's global advice so there's nothing wrong with that. I don't know where the "Suicide Wall" is, but if you could direct me to it, I'd be more than willing to offer any advice on your situation.

Hi Charles!
It's on the front cover of Bi-polar World. If you scroll down on the website links it will come up. It's not connected to Psych. Central, I don't think???? That's where it is and how I got there. Try it, and if you can't find it I will try myself.

thanks to ((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))) again...

Charles_Stover - that was helpful, thank you. I'll try to reread tomorrow when I'm more awake, but thanks for your advice.

((((((((((((all)))))))))))))

((((((((((christina))))))))))
it didn't help that I was feeling fragile before i read you r post, but I was in tears through all that I read (I haven't even got to finishing it yet!). I hope you can see that it is NOT your fault you are the way you are. I could relate to so much of what you wrote, even though I had never 'put 2+2 together'. I think that my brothers resented my 'special needs' that took away so much from our house- not just the nice foods etc but mum's time and energy and possibly the 'extra attention' that same with it all. My brothers also fed on me being so emotional- I have gone from crying at the drop of a hat to not even being able to cry when I NEED to (usually!). But anyway...
please do not try and conform to what you believe your mother wants. You are your own person and have every right to be the way that you are. If you were to change for her, who would you be?????
p.s. I hope that these replies to you can help lighten up that black hole for you, even if it is just a bit. Sending you a big lantern to help
xxxsuz

hey my friend ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

thank you for understanding, sorry you were in tears though!

Christina, I just read your post. Wow. That must have been a difficult letter to write. I am going to have to go back and read it again—I’ve read it several times. There is so much in it I am unsure what to say. You were hurt, abandoned, abused…but, none of it was your fault. You are far from self-centered—you have offered me and others so much support. You said, “It hurt so much and nobody noticed or cared.” That rips at my heart—it’s such a sad horrible place to be in—one that I can relate to. Please know that you are not alone in your feelings. I wish I could do more than just say something like I understand…I wish I could make it all go away for you. Know that I care.

((((((((((((DePressMe))))))))))))))))

Thank you. It was hard to write. Now it's hard to read it for me too... Some part of me wishes I hadn't.

Thank you for caring and understanding. That's all I need.