Boyfriend Hurt My Feelings

My boyfriend and I play around, teasing each other, a little like Al and Peggy Bundy from Married...With Children. It's not as mean as they were, but you get the idea. Still, there are some things I don't say, because I know it would hurt him, because I know he has issues with his body image. But he hurts me sometimes, even though I think I've been pretty clear that I have body image issues myself.

Last night, I was talking to him about Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" (the unrated version, which has nudity), and he was playing around, trying to pinch my nipples. (Don't worry, it doesn't get more sexual than that; we don't have sex anymore, for at least 10 years.) I laughed and told him I didn't look like the girls in that video (who were young, thin, and pretty), and he laughed, "That's for sure!" and he ran off to go to bed. I giggled a bit, but that really did hurt.

It's not the first time he's made comments like that, but I know part of it is my fault for not speaking up each time. I just feel like, I've told him many times how down I am about my fat, saggy, aging body, so he should know. I don't want to make him uncomfortable; that's why I don't say anything in those moments when he says hurtful things. His body is also fat, saggy and aging, for the record.

I just wanted to vent. I'm not really asking a question. I just hope you all don't mind that I posted this. I rarely get to this forum, because I don't have the time to read through every forum.

Maven, men just sometimes don't get it. They don't see things the way we do. Please speak up and tell him it hurt your feelings. He's not making the connection between how you feel about your body image and how you feel about his jokes. I'm sure a simple little discussion would help matters.
Good luck
Gayle

((Maven)),

I had an ex whom used to mention things about me which he new I was sensitive about. We were only 1 year part, but he appeared at least 10 years older..One day I blurted out "Have you EVER looked in the mirror?". Him:dumb stare. Me: "I never mention your appearence or weight, or anything negative about your appearence. I would appreciate the same consideration. Also if you would like my hair to belonger, YOU can PAY for extensions!". Guys just do not get it.

Some men do get it. I don't put my wife down even in a joking moment about the way she looks. Some guys will joke about the way there significant other looks to make themselves feel better. Tell them how you feel ladies or the joking will just escalate. For lack of a better term man up.

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some men take the jokes too far without even realizing it. You just need to talk to him about it.

Maven... you provoked him...

Maven, sounds like it's time to be blunt with him. He may or may not be making the connection. Come right out and tell him when he says something that hurts. That way there's no more guessing about whether or not he gets it. You told him!

Don't talk negative about yourself and don't allow your husband to either. If you put yourself down then he thinks it's ok for him to do so also. Talk to him about how you feel and start saying positive things about yourself. Good luck!

"Teasing, joking around and poking fun" soon will grow into mean spirited and hurtful emotional abusing. IMHO I recommend another form of love patter....maybe saying less about other women, and just enjoy each others company. Men are visual beings, and they will look at others, just as we look at other men.

warm regards
Jade

How did I provoke him? He kept trying to pinch my nipples (through my nightgown), and we'd been discussing the video. The girls in the video were very pretty and showing their breasts, and I told him I wasn't like the girls in the video, who were playful and inviting of being touched and groped. We wrestle sometimes, in fun, but I wasn't saying I wasn't those girls because they're pretty and I'm not (frankly, when I lose this weight, I won't be too bad, actually!); I was saying I wasn't inviting him to touch me that way (my nipples are a little too sensitive sometimes). Then he laughed and said, "That's for sure!" laughed again and went to bed. I don't see how I "provoked" him.

Got it!

I THOUGHT that you meant that you were not like those girls because you were not as pretty as those girls (thus, putting yourself down and - if not provoking, but inviting his confirmation of YOUR statement). But you meant that you were not like those girls in that you did not want touched this way at that time.

Got it.

Speaking as a painfully oblivious guy, I didn't get this message from what you were saying. Subtlety often goes completely over my head. Often, I would recommend a more direct explanation. Not just a "stop doing that," but a "Please stop, it's hurting" or something more along those lines.

But it doesn't give him the right to be mean spirited.