[kimmie2]

Long story... about a year ago I found out that my husband of 8 years had spent the last 6 years secretly going to strip clubs during some of the time that I thought he was working. He developed a relationship with one of the dancers which he told me was not in any way physical, but he acknowledged that it was an emotional affair.
He went to counseling and we worked on it a lot. He has been very accommodating about making sure I could be sure of his whereabouts at all times and has been generally trying his best to make amends. I have been having a really hard time trusting him, but have been making slow progress.
A month ago I told him I felt like there were still things he wasn't being honest about. He admitted that he had kissed this woman on about 5 different occasions. I appreciate that he is being honest now, but I am an absolute mess. It has been an entire month since I have not felt anxiety almost every waking moment... that low grade panic that you get before speaking to a room full of people. I don't know how to get past this. There really is nothing else he can do on his end, and if I want our marriage to work (which I do) I know I need to get beyond it. I can't kiss him without panicking. I can't watch any kind of movie or tv show that has anything to do with strippers, scantily clad wmen or even kissing without feeling like I am going to throw up. I can't concentrate, I'm snapping at our kids and I am generally miserable. I can't afford therapy right now. My insurance won't cover enough of the cost. It is like I have some weird form of PTSD... flashbacks, panic, triggering situations and thoughts... I just want my life back. I want to be normal again. I feel so completely awful about myself... I can hardly stand to go outside. Anybody have any words of wisdom? Am I making too big of a deal out of what he did? Is there a way for me to get beyond this and reclaim my life? Help please.

[~Christina]

Your not making too big a deal about it. He betrayed your trust. There is no chart saying how long it will take you to get over this. Therapy of course would be very helpful but I understand the financial difficulty.

Have you tried keeping a journal and just dumping all your feelings on paper to possibly help get them out of your head and off your heart? Sometimes that can help. Posting here will most likely be beneficial.

Welcome to PC I hope you find the support and understanding here that I have.

[gayleggg]

This will take time to heal. It's a shame you can't afford therapy because I really think it would help. He did betray you trust and it will take time to repair the dammage. There are books that help you learn to conrol anxiety, somebody on PC might could recommed a good one. Try to stay calm around the kids; they shouldn't have to suffer for his mistake. Try taking 10 deep breaths and letting them out slowly before speaking. This might calm the anxiety enough to keep you from snapping at them. Good luck to you.
Gayle

[gayleggg]

You, also, might want to post in the anxiety forum for some help.
Gayle

[kimmie2]

Thank you so much for replying... You are absolutely right that the kids don't deserve to be punished. I know they are perplexed sometimes, because although I don't yell at them, I am just not nearly as available as they are used to me being. It is so hard because there are 1000 conflicting thoughts and emotions and when they are crawling all over me or being loud it is just too much. I am struggling with figuring out how to relinquish control, because it is exhausting trying to control everything all of the time... but I feel like if I don't control everything (know where he is at all times, make sure he takes the kids with him when he goes to the city where the club is, etc) he will do it again. He says that now that he understands in a concrete way what will happen if he goes there or sees her again (I've told him that we'd have to get divorced, because this is wrecking me and I can't go through it again) he will avoid it like the plague. Part of me believes him, but if I am duped again it will wreck everything, you know? It isn't just a matter of my feelings, it is my whole life and the lives of my children who would be heart broken if they couldn't see their daddy every day.