[CantExplain]

Hi guys!

For me, one of the pains of my failed relationship is that I don't understand why it worked and why it stopped working.

Did you feel a need for answers? Did you get any?

[TwelveHours]

I can relate. I'm going through a break up right now and although I know the reasons why it failed, I still feel like I don't understand. It seems like with all break ups you feel like you are left with unfinished business even with some closure. It's weird how people spend such great lengths of time together getting to know one another just to cut ties and walk separate ways. It seems fruitless to me.

[eskielover]

Are you sure it was really working in the first place.....many people thought that of my marriage....including my H.....he thought I would continue to tolerate all the problems for the rest of my life.......it wasn't working from even before the marriage....& I had even told my mother I didn't want to get married & to cancel the wedding..but was talked into it by her.....

Those problems that I recognized before I got married were exactly the same problems I left because of 33 years later & the only reason I tolerated it for so long was because I had my career to hide it....when I lost that I realized just how BAD the marriage was...only then I was financially trapped in it.

H never listened to anything I had to say about the problems in the marriage....& at the end.....he was totally shocked that I would leave.....& he was living in the same marriage that I was living it.

In reality....one doesn't spend that much time getting to know one another in all honesty.....they just usually walk through life with their expectations of how they want it & sometimes in their own dream world play pretend that it's really what their expectations are.

I was miserable in my marriage from before I got married....& it never changed because he never grew up & became responsible because he never wanted to......& sometimes the time one spends getting to know each other in the marriage shines a light on the real problem the person has that wasn't known while they were just dating.

There are usually some really VALID reasons why relationships fail & it's good if there can be a learning discussion afterward to realize why.....

but most of the time the break-up is so adversarial that no one wants to talk to each other.....I have had to limit my communication to emails with my stbxh because of all his lies.....everything has to be in writing so I can throw it back in his face what he said because he was always saying he didn't say something.

Unless a couple really wants to work a relationship out.....BOTH agreeing to it.....there is no recovery & it's best to just walk away.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by TwelveHours

I can relate. I'm going through a break up right now and although I know the reasons why it failed, I still feel like I don't understand. It seems like with all break ups you feel like you are left with unfinished business even with some closure. It's weird how people spend such great lengths of time together getting to know one another just to cut ties and walk separate ways. It seems fruitless to me.

I think closure is a bit of a myth. You can't wind up a ten-year relationship in a month, or three months, or even six months.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Are you sure it was really working in the first place?

Good question! There were fights and separations right from the beginning. And yet there were months of bliss.

Probably the balance hasn't changed at all. My priorities have changed. I'm no longer prepared to pay the price.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Unless a couple really wants to work a relationship out.

That's the strange part. We both made huge, sincere efforts. But there were things each of us was not prepared to give up.

[Edda]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Hi guys!

For me, one of the pains of my failed relationship is that I don't understand why it worked and why it stopped working.

Did you feel a need for answers? Did you get any?

I can fully relate.

Someone I loved very much has recently broken up with me. Proper answers, honesty would have helped a lot. Despite my tireless efforts I did not get them - he refused to talk and blames circumstances.

It makes it all the more painful. Makes me feel that he doesn't think I'm worthy of knowing the full picture. It is unbearable, to be honest.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I think closure is a bit of a myth. You can't wind up a ten-year relationship in a month, or three months, or even six months.

Closure might work if both parties equally feel that ending the relationship is truly the best for both of them. It is still a process that can last quite long. In an ideal world it would lead into friendship.

In truth, I think most relationships end because one party decides to end it one-sidedly. That is devastating to the one being dumped and frankly, I don't think that any kind of healing closure is possible.

[Anika.]

I think closure comes from within oneself, and the big myth is that someone can give it to us ... if only we knew the reasons, the whys. Thing is, even if you hear the reasons, it will never be enough to feel closure, and with more answers often comes more questions. Closure is something we can only give ourselves in my opinion.

At one point I felt I needed answers... lots of them. It was a very volitile situation. I never got any, a restraining order and peace bond kind of came between myself and answers. I filed both. But I do feel a great sense of closure. I cannot say I ever even look back on the marriage and have any questions, resent, or even pain now. I am not fond of what transpired, but it just is what it is, and in he present it really is not much. I am still raising my three children solo, which you might think would be a reminder , but it just isn't there. Was not immediate, but over time, and healing... growing, working on my own shortcomings, forgiveness of his actions and my own, acceptance ... there are no questions to be answered.

You know you have closure when you feel peace with it. When you can close that chapter and feel good about moving onto the next with no lingering feelings or doubt, anger, or hurt. You don't need answers to get there, sometimes it might help to have them other times it might not. But either way it is attainable.