[leftwithnoanswers]

I discovered my partner was e-mailing a guy up to 6 times a day while I was busy doing things to help her. I asked her to stop and believed that she did. I also asked had she had sex with this guy, or any other guy while we have been together, she said no. On her death I was cleaning up and discovered some draft e-mails. The e-mailing had been going on for 5 years, was very flirtatious toward him and lots of derogatory remarks about me. One of the draft e-mails mentioned a friend from the past but still while we were in a relationship. She wrote in the e-mail “I must have led him to believe, then I back out, what a mess”.
I now have doubts about our relationship. Should I have trusted her and believed her answers? Am I wrong to suspect sex was involved? I guess I find it hard to believe that it is possible to have a platonic affair between opposite sex friends, without sex being involved. Is it?

[optimize990h]

It's possible, but most people find that difficult. Being anonymous on the internet without expressing any gender biased comments is possible as virtual friends.

I don't need to know the other person's gender to feel like friends. But then, I have tried to have that despite the possibility of being attracted. Often, the other party would have difficulty in getting comfortable with the idea of being just friends. Really, I should not say "just friends" because they have equal value compared to a partner.

It is very difficult for most to be friends. One or the other has more interest subconsciously or otherwise in the other.

One has to consider whether there is freedom to speak their thoughts without judgement -maybe like confession.

Those are my thoughts that popped up in my mind. I hope they useful for perspective purposes.

[leftwithnoanswers]

I should add that she obviously saw both "friends" at regular intervals at the workplace.

[Travelinglady]

This response is not directly answering your question, but I am concerned about the derogatory comments about you. I know we women might sometimes comment on something we don't like our husbands doing or not doing (uh, not putting clothes in the hamper....) with each other, but I would be bothered if my hubby were making remarks to another woman about me.

I do think men and women can be friends, but I think it can be problematic if one or both are married. To me, a spouse should be a friend---a "best" friend. But that might just be me.

I have female friends, but have had no desire to seek out other men as friends since I have been married.

[leftwithnoanswers]

Interesting you say this. In one of her e-mail draft letters when she was saying she had coffee with someone and got home at the normal time so as not to raise suspicion. She then went on to write "once I used to think I didn't need anyone, my partner should be my best friend, someone to confide in and share thought but somehow have lost that" . Seems she confided more in this person than me.

[ADDithers]

She certainly wasn't being honest with you - but that doesn't mean she was hopping from sack to sack - and yes, I do believe two people can have a strictly platonic friendship - provided there is no physical attraction. To her, it might have been just harmless social chatter.

Yes, I do think it's possible. I've had/have long-term friendships with the opposite sex and attraction has never been an issue for any of us.

I do think it's a shame that you found these emails because of the hurt they've caused. It's a real shame she wrote derogatory things about you in them. Who know's why she did it, perhaps you both were fighting at the time of the email and she was letting of steam?

I do think tho, if you're strong enough, to let them go. Your partner has gone now which is terribly, horribly sad, but it means that you'll never get to the bottom of this because you can't ask her. It's a horrible situation to be in, but please try to let it go because you're just going to keep feeling awful. Nobody is perfect, as your partner has proved, but there is nothing that can be done about that now. You also ask if you should've trusted her and believed her answers - and yes, you should've. It showed love, trust and strength - all of these were great and the right qualities that you had in you. Even when we are proved wrong to trust in the long term, it doesn't mean you were wrong to trust - it just showed you were strong. Please please be kind to yourself..

Hugs.

I personally think platonic friendships between heterosexual males and females aren't viable in the long run. That is simply my opinion based on personal experience over many years. For me, the guy has always ended up wanting to be "more" than friends and I did not want more than the strictly platonic friendship.

A prior T of mine once told me that men and women generally cannot be platonic friends. He said that women seek out relationships others as an extension of themselves and men seek out others with a defined "goal" in mind.

Again, just my opinion and experience as well as my (male) T's opinion.

Saying derogatory things about you to others is not a good thing, obviously. I think that she needs to be communicating directly with you about concerns ... and vice-versa.

Perhaps she is having an emotional relationship rather than a physical one. There is not room for either in your relationship with her.

I think it is best not to speculate and you need to communicate more openly - and get the trust back, if trust has been broken. Honesty, communication, and trust.

Best of luck to you and I hope it works out in a way that is best for you.

[tokiwartooth]

I do believe you can have platonic long-term friendships with the opposite sex. I have a friend who is a guy who I've known for a decade and I've never been attracted to him and he's never shown attraction to me, but we like to hang out together and get coffee. I had another friend like that, we're not really friends now because we've grown apart, but we were for a long time and there was never anything sexual about it. I would be upset though if I found that my significant other was making derogatory comments about me to someone else, male or female. I can understand how that would upset you.

[cool09]

I think it is the older that you get but you would never know that platonic relationships are possible if TV and popular media are a daily part of your routine because they make it out to seem that sex is rampant and a necessity at all ages and demographics. I bet Cultures that put less emphasis on TV and popular media have more platonic, healthier, richer and productive relationships.

If you want a platonic relationship your best bet is to come out at the beginning and tell the other person exactly what you're looking for or what you want (no sex before marriage, etc.). We're programmed to be very visual and you have to fight that sometimes to get to the better stuff inside other people. That's why some people turn to Religion for help.

[Zipzap61Y]

Originally Posted by leftwithnoanswers

I discovered my partner was e-mailing a guy up to 6 times a day while I was busy doing things to help her. I asked her to stop and believed that she did. I also asked had she had sex with this guy, or any other guy while we have been together, she said no. On her death I was cleaning up and discovered some draft e-mails. The e-mailing had been going on for 5 years, was very flirtatious toward him and lots of derogatory remarks about me. One of the draft e-mails mentioned a friend from the past but still while we were in a relationship. She wrote in the e-mail “I must have led him to believe, then I back out, what a mess”.
I now have doubts about our relationship. Should I have trusted her and believed her answers? Am I wrong to suspect sex was involved? I guess I find it hard to believe that it is possible to have a platonic affair between opposite sex friends, without sex being involved. Is it?

The question, "Is a long-term platonic relationship..." is something I'm grappling with now. I've been seeing a woman in another city for the last month and a half. She says she doesn't get along with most women she meets and spent most of her childhood days and teenage years as something of a tomboy, so she prefers to have men as friends.

She's told me she has several male friends she sees fairly often, including one who she likes to smoke pot with on occasion. The other friend is gay and she recently spent a weekend with him at his cottage in a city some distance away from where she lives.

At first I didn't say anything to her because the way she was talking about these guys made them seem not quite real to me (she suffers from delusional disorder), but lately I've been getting the sense that these guys are indeed real, and she may be quite a bit closer to some of them than she is willing to admit.

Maybe it's just jealousy on my part (I've never met any of these male friends of hers) but I'm not feeling comfortable with this arrangement. I personally don't believe it's possible for men and women to be long-term platonic friends unless contact is limited and sporadic. Sooner or later, attachments do develop, and sometimes lead to more than just friendship.

This and the drug issue she seems to have are making me seriously think it's time for me to move on. It's a shame to have to consider doing that, because she is kind and affectionate towards me and we get along fairly well.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by cool09

I bet Cultures that put less emphasis on TV and popular media have more platonic, healthier, richer and productive relationships.

I doubt the platonic part. Richer experiences, sure, but I do not see the connection with platonic - how so?

I have never owned a TV in my adult life, by the way.

All sorts of friendships are possible. Plus, people can be attracted to one another and even acknowledge it, without necessarily speaking about it, but not act on it. Not every attraction should be acted upon. Man/woman friendships with an erotic undercurrent that is understated but real yet not acted upon can be wonderfully complex and enriching. There is a whole lot of middle ground between sexual relationships that are consummated and completely platonic friendships where there is literally nothing to consummate. The reality is way more complex (and wonderfully so) than those two opposite ends of the spectrum.

[IndieVisible]

It's possible but rare. I had a female friend who was a tall blonde, my type but we were just friends. We went out drinking together, she hooked up with guys and I hooked with girls. We were pals. We both valued our relationship which was unique! No one who knew us believed we never had sex. And honestly there were a couple of nites you could tell we were both thinking about crossing that line, but we never did. We did a lot drugs and alcohol and we were just friends. That lasted for about a year and then we stopped hanging out so I have no idea how long that could have gone one. Till this day no one believes we never had sex! But we didn't.