The scenario is pretty typical. You have a psychiatric diagnosis for which you need therapy or take medication, but you are upset for some unrelated reason. Let's say you're down with a migraine, and you need to take it easy, but your family isn't cooperating. So the conversation goes like this:

"Frank, would you PLEASE stop teasing the dog and making him bark? The noise hurts my head. Louise, I asked you hours ago to wash the dishes, and you haven't touched them." Just then you trip and almost sprain your ankle over the toy your youngest child left in the hallway. "Jack! How many times have I told you to keep your toys in your playroom?"

To which Frank responds, "Wow, sweetheart, you sure are grouchy. Have you been taking your medication?"

This, of course, is more than suggesting that your anger is *only* because of your psychiatric diagnosis, and not because you have anything to be legitimately annoyed about. His attitude ticks you off royally, and now you're even more upset. But anything you say or do in response, he's just going to write off as, "Oh, there she goes again. She's in one of her moods."

From there it may build up to the point where you really do end up in a crisis. You need professional intervention before you reach the end of your rope and hurt yourself. At which point Frank will say, "Now, see? I knew you were building up to this. I could tell when you started griping all over and me and the kids."

I think it hardly needs to be pointed out that it was exactly Frank's indifference and lack of support that CAUSED you to "build up" to a crisis.

I see it all the time. As said in the post title, it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. "I know you're off in the head, and you're about to blow up and have an episode. In fact, I'm going to make sure of it. I'm going to keep needling you until you do, so I can say I told you so."

I don't mean only spouses/partners or other family members. Casual acquaintances can do it too. All that's required is that someone knows you well enough to be aware that you have a diagnosis and take medication. How can we with the diagnoses defuse these situations on our end, then, because we obviously can't change what's going to happen on theirs?

[hamster-bamster]

I have no words of wisdom but want to confirm the validity of your point...

...in those scenarios,

"Have you taken your medication?" is used as an assault weapon. And boy does it hurt! It can hurt more than curse words - for real!!!

TOXIC people SUCK!

Why do we continue to allow toxic people to suck the life right out of us?

That's the deeper question to ponder.

I, myself, have developed a zero-tolerance policy for these kinds of people, and as soon as I see they're trying to sabotage my process, I limit my contact with them or remove myself from their presence altogether.

This includes family too.

I simply don't have the time or energy for this kinda BS anymore.

^^Like yeah. And then they pretend that they said that because they're trying to SUPPORT you. Huh. They're trying to set you off so they can play, "You're the crazy one, not me." That's what they're trying to do.

I should add that most of the time, they aren't doing that viciously. They may even think they're being absolutely loving and kind, while saying the worst possible things they can say. Maybe it really scares them that the possibility exists they could have something wrong too. So they play these games to reassure themselves that they're OK, by confirming that you aren't.

That's right ...

And sometimes the only way to end the game is to simply remove ourselves from it.

It isn't easy, especially when kids are involved, but distancing ourselves from those sick, sadistic adults who feel our health issues are games to be played with is essential to our recovery.

If we can't/don't/won't stand up for ourselves, nothing will change.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Pfrog

sadistic adults

!!!!!!!!!!!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Lovebird

And then they pretend that they said that because they're trying to SUPPORT you.

that is the worst part.

it is akin to being raped by someone who thinks and says that he is doing you a favor. To me it is the very worst kind of rape.

I am talking about the rape symbolically, but you get the point. A violation, a crime, but yet you are supposed to feel thankful. geez...

Yeah, I get it.

That's why I say any kind of illness is a family issue, not an individual one. Even if it's something purely physical, and in no way mental or behavioral, the family needs to be educated as to how to meet that person's needs, such as someone with emphysema needing oxygen, and the family learning how the machine works. At the very least, the family needs to know how NOT to make the condition worse. Picture a family continuing to light up their cigarettes in that person's presence, blowing smoke right into their face, and then saying, "Well, why should I have to change my behavior? I'm not the one with the illness."

The only hesitation in my mind about calling them all toxic when they do this is that my husband might say some of those toxic things himself, at least when we first got together. The fact that he's making progress and attempting to change his ways shows me it's not being sadistic on his part. It's ignorance. It used to be worse. He's learned not to say invalidating things such as, "That's nothing to cry about," when I do. He honestly didn't understand that just because HE wouldn't cry about something, doesn't mean I shouldn't. He isn't the crying type anyway. He had to learn that many (most?) people are more expressive than he is, but still within the range of normal. Related to this, he freely admits he has his own issues. He will be honest about the fact that he can't tell a strong emotional reaction from a psychiatric meltdown. Because of his own limited scope, they look the same to him. It's like being emotionally colorblind. As long as he knows and admits that on that matter it's him, not me, I can rest assured he's not being toxic.

And it took a few sessions with my therapist to get him to understand those things. I remember one session when I was very angry and crying, and hubby looked at T like, "Well, this is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. I mean, she's having a crisis right now in front of you--isn't she?" T had to explain to him that I was merely upset, that it's OK to be upset sometimes, and that it's not some kind of unusual behavior. People cry in his office all the time. That was news to hubby. He honestly didn't know it was normal. So, knowing only that I had a depressive illness, he had concluded that any and all crying I did was part of that. I'm glad he went to therapy with me to learn better.

My first husband, though, now HE was toxic! His favorite game to play was to do something he knew was upsetting to me, ignore me when I asked him nicely to stop, and then keep on doing it until I blew my stack. At that point he could tell me I was crazy just like his screaming shrew of a mother--and I'm sure you can guess, he did that to her too. I'm wondering now, in fact, how much of her being a screaming shrew was on her, and how much of it was him doing that to her.