[Abigail1207]

HI all. My name is Abigail. I am a college student and about to get married in 36 days. I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, borderline personality, and ptsd from abusive relationships. My fiance was raised n gangs and got out 7 years ago. His personality is a lot different than mine and his opinion is a lot different than mine. He believes that diagnosis is a joke and that I just dont know how to deal with life. I love him so much but I just do not know how to help him understand what I go through on a daily basis. I am trying to keep in mind his needs but I feel like it is putting a gap between us being with someone who does not understand you.....HELP

[pegasus]

Hello Abigail, welcome to Psych Central!

It doesn't sound like a great start to married life does it? I think you need to get that communication going because if you are having problems with this now, what will it be like after a few years of marriage. He does not have to agree with everything you say but he does need to be able to support you when things are tough otherwise it can be really lonely. Hugs

[SilverNeurotic]

Have you gone to any couples therapy together? I think that that's going to be key to make the marriage work. It sounds like the two of you are coming from 2 different mind sets and experiences and it's going to take a lot of work on both of you to make the marriage to work.

Also, I think you need to let your fiancé know that it hurts when he jokes around...if he won't try to be understanding of what you are dealing with you really have to determine if he is really someone you are willing to commit to.

[IndieVisible]

You should talk to your therapist asap. People with BPD and GAD need a good support system at home! Otherwise it will be worse! This guy who was in gangs for 7 years sounds a bit immature to me for generalizing every thing so easily. This should be a major warning light for you. You have 36 days to do some thing. Otherwise you may find yourself in a much worse situation then you are in now. Put yourself first!

[tinyrabbit]

I would change the situation, not try to change the person. I don't think this sounds like a recipe for marital bliss. If you have BPD, marrying someone who disbelieves and invalidates you is really really not a good idea.

[Maranara]

If he doesn't understand there's nothing you can do to make him understand. Tinyrabbit is right, there is no way to change someone who doesn't want to be changed. My husband doesn't get it at all either....pretty much the same diagnosis....and I'm close to going inpatient. Wondering what he'll think of that!

[Perna]

I do not know how long you have known him and he, you. Presumably you are aware of each other's personalities and styles and will work on communication. I would learn to ask him for what I would like from him ("would you hold me please, I'm feeling anxious") and otherwise let him think and believe how he wants, there is no right or wrong way to love and be loved, if you do in fact love the other instead of the idea of their being there for your purposes or loving you.

There needs to be a lot of "we" in marriage and I hope you two have that. When I married (just turning 39 years old) I sent my husband a card right before the ceremony through the Best Man with a joint joke; it said, "We're in trouble now!" It's supposed to be a joint experience, marriage. My husband did not understand my need for therapy but when I asked him how much he would pay for me to be happy and healthy he immediately answered, "Every last penny I had!" In my experience, understanding is very nice but is not essential where there is love and trust on both sides. If you don't think you and he have that, I would not marry at this time.

[~Christina]

Postpone this wedding until you are both on the same page. Its easier to postpone a marriage than to go through a divorce if it doesnt work out.