[Big Mama]

I have had this issue come up a few times. It is very confusing to me. My H and I have been married 19 years. We don't get along so well. Recently during our discussions I have gotten very upset. I have cried. But that is not the issue. the issue is that my chest hurts from holding back tears, my eyes burn from holding back tears. My H has wanted to hold me, to give me an hug. I have told him no, you cannot hug me, it will only make me cry more. I know that it really would. I would loose all control. I would not be able to contain myself and keep my composure. My H takes it as a disapproval of him. I don't think it is though. I think it is a disapproval in general of the emotion.

Why do I do this. Why when I know that it is hindering our relationship do I not let my H comfort me. Or anyone else for that matter. It feels like an eternal fight, a fight to give in or a fight to avoid further pain. I am just confused and need to vent. Thank you for listening. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

[hamster-bamster]

Big Mama,

Unfortunately, there is no workaround - until you cry those tears out, you will have the feeling of pain. You do not need hugs of consolation - what you do need is somebody to hold you so that you can cry those tears out, finally!!!, and yes it would include losing control, not containing yourself, and not keeping your composure. He might not be the person to do that, though. Maybe you can only do it alone - who knows (I cannot do it yet, but at least I know, and my T has stressed it many times, that there is no workaround and that one day those tears would need to come out). Maybe in individual therapy. But you need them to come out. You do not need consolation. Consolation, in your case, would amount to an attempt to suppress the tears, which would only be counter-productive.

The only way to feel a feeling to the end is by feeling it through. There are no other ways. Intellectually, you can come up with all sorts of ideas, rationalizations, etc., but in the world of feelings, the only way to get the feelings out is by feeling them. If you do not let them out, you will have chest pains.

Your husband is being immature and childish in interpreting this as disapproval of him. Certainly this kind of attitude coming from him is not helping matters for you...

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

not let my H comfort me.

You are not letting your H comfort you because...

...you do not need comforting.

You just do not need it - you do not need comforting or consolation. If he is able to hold you and let you cry without urging you to stop crying, then he may be helpful to you, but otherwise, no, because your issue is that you have bottled up emotions - you do not need somebody to try to make you bottle them up even MORE - rather, you need to get them out.

[Big Mama]

Hamster, thank you for your honesty. You just confirmed my greatest fear, until I cry those tears out there will be a feeling of pain.

AHHHHH losing control, not being able to contain myself, and not keeping my composure, AAAAHHHHH

But I do think you are right. And consolation would indeed counter productive. It may well be an attempt to suppress tears.

Hamster, I appreciate you honesty and your opinion. Some times the truth just stinks.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I have had this issue come up a few times. It is very confusing to me. My H and I have been married 19 years. We don't get along so well. Recently during our discussions I have gotten very upset. I have cried. But that is not the issue. the issue is that my chest hurts from holding back tears, my eyes burn from holding back tears. My H has wanted to hold me, to give me an hug. I have told him no, you cannot hug me, it will only make me cry more. I know that it really would. I would loose all control. I would not be able to contain myself and keep my composure. My H takes it as a disapproval of him. I don't think it is though. I think it is a disapproval in general of the emotion.

Why do I do this. Why when I know that it is hindering our relationship do I not let my H comfort me. Or anyone else for that matter. It feels like an eternal fight, a fight to give in or a fight to avoid further pain. I am just confused and need to vent. Thank you for listening. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

I know how to choke back tears. I'd rather cry alone, than in the presence of another. I don't like bringing my emotions, to others.

Maybe, your H wants you to show your vulnerable side to him, not in an approval/disapproval way? Not sure.

Maybe, it sounds like you lack a wiliness to get there with him, as you mention that in your marriage, you don't get along that well? Why would showing emotional pain, bring more emotional pain???

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

AHHHHH losing control, not being able to contain myself, and not keeping my composure, AAAAHHHHH

I am curious, where does this come from? Keeping composure, especially with your husband?

[Big Mama]

Good question, I don't know really. That is a lot read into this, correct though.

I am afraid to be reliant on him maybe. If I need him then it might be harder to leave some day.

I don't build relationships or rely on anyone. I like being very self reliant. I guess I am trying to avoid showing signs of weakness. I have always had to handle things on my own and not accustomed to turning to others.

I am also afraid. Afraid if a stream of tears start it may well turn into a uncontrollable flood. I fear myself and my own emotions. I don't know what I am afraid of, but I am. Many A T has told me and been quite aggravated with me because I will not cry, I mean really cry. I'm 39 and in all my years I haven't and I just don't.

Thanks for your insight.

((((Mama)))) there are very few people I can cry with or in front of.

Those few people are those that want absolutely nothing from me, who are not judging me and who have no hidden agenda.

They don't "get" anything from seeing me break down. They genuinely care and want the best for me.

[Sugar Apple]

It's an eternal right to choose when you are physically touched by another, no matter what the relationship is that you have with that person and no matter what the reason, surface or otherwise, behind that touch. Feeling that your right to choose not to be touched (hugged by your husband) is respected, is important. Can you educate your husband in this regard, without apology?
Not easy, and it's just one point I'm picking up on from what you describe of your situation (I thinks it's an important one though).


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[Big Mama]

you are so correct. It is my body and I need badly the authority to be able to to say no or yes as to who can touch it. It doesn't matter if it is my Husband or a friend, or family, I have the right to say who can and can't touch me. And in what ways they do touch me.

I am so tired of arguing about this w/ my H. The more we argue about this the more space that puts between us.