[ambitious_lemon]

My boyfriend has an 8 year old daughter that lives with her mother in California, my boyfriend and I live in Colorado. My boyfriend wants to move out to California to be with his little girl and help raise her, but the mom is putting our location in limbo. The mom is applying to go to college in either Santa Rosa or Redding California. We plan on moving next July but are not sure where until she gets accepted some where, then we'll move there. I get it, college stuff is a long process. I'm a little perturbed by that...but I understand it and respect that she wants to better herself. I think it's great.

I have spent 5 years trying to move back to Colorado and was able to do so in 2011. Everytime I look at the mountains, I get upset because I will miss everything here. I love Colorado...I really do, but I also love my boyfriend. I really don't want to move to California, mainly due to the cost of living and I really don't care for California. I have a hard enough time trying to support myself here!!! I've been to California a few times, not for me. On the other hand, I understand why he wants to go, and I am supportive of that. I don't want to give my life up here though. I like my job and do well at it, and I love love love Colorado and all it's beauty. Any other state like Oregon or Washington...I'm fine. California....not interested.

Growing up I never wanted kids either, let alone a daughter. My boyfriend and his mom seem to think that I have what it takes to be a 'mom' and I have heard that from several non-family people. (Little children flock to me for some reason, so do animals, it's strange) I have taken care of her once in the past for a few weeks and had decent results. I did a better job than her mother says my boyfriend, taught her how to make a cake, let her help with dinner (she had home cooked meal every night!), fixed her boo-boos, took her shopping and was just nice to her. Despite all this, I just don't feel a maternal nature in me....plus I feel like I just can't dedicate myself to taking care of a child that isn't mine. I am very disappointed in myself for feeling that way.

I don't know what to do or how to feel. I am wrong in feeling this way? I feel just horrible and selfish. Should I try and see what happens? I have extremely mixed emotions on this WHOLE situation. How can I bring this up to my boyfriend with out devastating him? I really feel as if I should wait the situation out and see where the mom gets accepted at before making my normal irrational decisions. I am for sure going to talk about this in therapy, but I want to know what you guys think about the situation.

[kaliope]

it sounds like you have extremely mixed emotions about this move. you have the love for your boyfriend on one hand and wanting to see to his happiness and on the otherhand, you have your own happiness and independence. you have worked hard to get where you are at today and you are going to have to give all that up for a life that is not part of your dream...all for the love of your boyfriend. the question is, is that love strong enough to override any resentment that could come up for giving up your dream of a child free life in Colorado? sounds like a pro/con list is in order. take care.

[healingme4me]

Sounds like a most difficult life choice to make! In 10 years, his daughter will be an adult. And on her own.

And in 10 years, how much resentment could exist within you? Relocating, is a most difficult decision, one not to be entered into lightly. And from the sounds of this post, you have some serious and valid reservations.

Once out there, what does the visitation schedule look like?

[Odee]

I would certainly not make such a large, difficult, and potentially heart breaking decision for a relationship that is not yet permanently committed.

This is IMHO, I like to consider my boyfriend an 'add-on' to the vast amount of things that my life involves. My family and future still hold more influence in my life. I would not make changes for him that would change my future unless he had proven that he'd be willing to change his future for me (marriage), then we would be family.

Now I am not stressing a hasty get-hitched-or-ditch type of scenario, I just want you to experiment trying to see the situation from my perspective ... that a boyfriend is not the end of it.

[jadzea]

There are too many instances where someone made a major move to be with their SO and then broke up and were stuck in a place they did not want. Plus, you say you don't want to be a parent. The truth of the matter is the girl is not your daughter. It does not matter if people say you would be a good mother or not. She already has a mother. If you move to California she will be closer to her father but still living with her mother. She does not need you and she should not figure into your decision unless you absolutely want nothing to do with her. It doesn't sound like that is ther case.

I can't remember, do you have a job in Colorado? Can you easily get a job in California?

I would probably sit tight in CO. Let your BF move and see how it works out. You can always join him later when you are ready. If he is not willing to wait, he doesn't really want to be with you.

[JCG1]

I think you need to be honest with your feelings, concerns, and thoughts to your boyfriend. Does your bf know your feelings about being a mom? Also not to be a downer but lets say you break up then what?
I have lived in CA and it is nice but the cost of living there is sky high. I really cant imagine the expense if you have a family especially. Moving to CA without secure employment is not a good idea in my opinion.

[Odee]

Originally Posted by jadzea

There are too many instances where someone made a major move to be with their SO and then broke up and were stuck in a place they did not want. Plus, you say you don't want to be a parent. The truth of the matter is the girl is not your daughter. It does not matter if people say you would be a good mother or not. She already has a mother. If you move to California she will be closer to her father but still living with her mother. She does not need you and she should not figure into your decision unless you absolutely want nothing to do with her. It doesn't sound like that is ther case.

I can't remember, do you have a job in Colorado? Can you easily get a job in California?

I would probably sit tight in CO. Let your BF move and see how it works out. You can always join him later when you are ready. If he is not willing to wait, he doesn't really want to be with you.

Much better than what I was trying to say!