What to do.. daughter's abusive BF is coming here.

It takes time to rebuild esteem, from an experience, like that. She's fortunate to have a supportive mom, like yourself.

Does your daughter, read? "Men who Hate Women and the Women who Love Them", is a good one, for starters!

She did fairly well with dealing with him yesterday. She got tired of him accusing her of there being another man. She finally said good luck in finding him and stopped texting him for now. Of course this is driving him crazy and that can't be good either.

Scary part is I have to leave on business for a few days. He doesn't know this nor does he know our address, but I don't like having to be states away right now. Not to mention how I am going to focus on the job I must do. At least I have my BF to look after her.

They do that. They accuse us of seeing someone else, when we aren't, because they are projecting their own guilty feelings.

The thing is that your daughter has to make the break final. If she leaves any door open, ajar at all, any crack, he will find it and continue communicating. She has to not reply to him. Or change the number. Why doesnt she block him?

You mentioned she is bored. Is she doing this, creating all this fear and drama, because she is bored?

I had never in my life been involved with a crazy person like you are describing here, but it happened...I had no idea how to communicate in his "language". Being polite, doesnt work. Being firm doesnt work. Most things do not work because these types of men are not normal. They do become obsessed.

(When I felt things were not going to work out between us, telling him that was not enough. Nor was anything else for that matter. These types are relentless. They are like a dog with a bone. The more you try to get away, the more they try to manipulate you. They will say and do anything.

It is really embarrassing, too, to have to tell other people you are being harassed and/or stalked. But as I mentioned in a prior post, they feed off and take advantage of our fears. So safety in numbers. That is what got the guy that snaked his way into my life, away. He realized he could not isolate me. For all his bluster, he was really a huge coward).

((((C4SK)))) you should never have to feel like a prisioner in your own home.

Your daughter has to make clear that it is completely over and she wants no contact with him. At all. And that there is no chance for them. Also, she wishes him well and knows he will find someone else. Period.

If she is unclear about this, the question is, why she desires an abusive man in her life. She has to see a T.

You have expressed here that he is both emotionally and physically abusive. He is clearly verbally abusive. Also you suspect he has wants/warrants. You are fearful. You are now afraid to leave your daughter / your home. This is no way to live.

I remember being afraid of coming to and leaving home: I was afraid he would be there waiting for me. I remember being fearful also that he would hurt my beloved Kitteh while I wasnt there because the crazy person knew how much Kitteh meant to me.

This is awful. It is wrong. It is criminal. You have been sucked into his sickness with her. And now you are even questioning your ability to do your job properly you are so worried (that was one thing I didnt have to worry about, thank God! Even if he came to our office building, there was no way he could get in because we had double security).

Please talk to your daughter with your bf present. Be confident. And be clear with her. Tell her that with every text, every reply, every communique, it is keeping him coming after her. And leaving you all to live in fear. She has to cut it off completely. Period. No more of this. Esp because there is a child involved.

I am not sure if you are aware, too, but most likely, if he already hasnt tried it, he will threaten getting his child. It has nothing to do with him really wanting the child, either. It has to do with him seeing her as having something of his that he doesnt want her to have (if he cant have her).

I do wish you all the best and hope your daughter will start focusing on what is really important: family and the baby. And how lucky she is to have a roof over her head. And food in her belly. She could be living in her car, homeless.

Being involved with him and sucked into his craziness was one of the worst experiences I have had in a long time. I can so relate to what you are experiencing. And I am so sorry I can. I cant believe what you are still experiencing. And that your daughter is still communicating with such a dangerous person. I have to be honest, too, I am out of ideas, support. It is triggering me.
Going through it with the crazy person in my life ... ugh. This isnt a game, and it feels as if it is starting to become some sort of unhealthy dynamic that she is purposely involved in and continuing. And now she has dragged your bf into it (didnt she say offensive things about him the other day)? So I am going to hop off the thread.

Please stay safe and be welll.I wish you peace.

Sounds alot like my crazy ex bf. I finally left because I refused to subject my daughter to his toxicity.

Once his obsession with me fizzled out, he forgot my daughter existed and has maybe asked to see her 5 times in as many years.

Her comunicating with him is feeding his obsession for her big time. She needs to cut that shyt out. NOW.
This isn't a game and if she's not willing to cut him off, I suggest she take the drama elsewhere.

Because what you have described, I've been there, that isn't love, she is inlove with the idea of him. Not the reality of him, and if she is willing to settle for that, that is her choice, but her poor unborn baby has no say in the circumstances into which s/he will be born. So if he is what your daughter chooses, she needs to really think twice about being a mother because she won't be putting her baby first at all.

When he finds her, you and your bf will be obstacles, so your daughter needs to make her choice, before he comes to claim "what's his" and tramples on any obstacles standing in his way.

Okay, feeling a bit better. This trip failed him. He never saw my daughter. He got a job, went to another state for training, no longer has that job. Took bus 300 miles away from his truck to be in next town over from us... but didn't make it there. Got back to his truck, got money from his dad and headed back to his home state. No update other than he was a whole lot closer to home. Whew.

Time then to prepare for next contact from him. Your daughter can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, they would be great for her to talk with. Also she can find out if there are support groups in the area.

She can get a restraining order. She doesn't have to stress out over whether she loves him, or a father for her baby, what she needs to focus on in her survival, her safety, the safety of her baby and you also.

I really really agree with what Trippin wrote earlier. This is serious stuff.

This guy has you both enlisted in his drama. That stuff can be mesmerizing and disguise the fact that these are actually really dangerous circumstances. He needs to stay away from both your daughter and you.

This is a great time to break the spell he has over you and her. Read up on domestic violence, talk to people, find support groups, find another life. Don't let this abusive guy set the terms and write the script anymore.

Agreed. Time for it all to end with this guy and move forward safely.
His family was feed lies by him also and lead them to believe he was in full contact with her here and that he was welcome here. They know otherwise now. Hopefully they tell him they will not run to his assistance again if he tries that again. I know they can't stop him, but they can make it harder for him if he does.
My daughter seems to be in a better state of mind over this situation. He has pushed her too far.
You are correct Cedar, this guy has been writing the terms and script.
Everyone, thank you for the great advice.

Did you contact a center for abused women and let your daughter talk to them?
I don't know what she's going to do about the baby, but he is the father so supposedly he has a right to visit and create more trouble.

It is a blessing that your daughter is fed up enough with this guy not to want him around, but i'm afraid trouble can be only postponed.

If your daughter really want to be out of this nightmare, she's got to learn how to protect her heart, ber baby and her person from this man. This is a path, that she has to learn.

Best luck to you