Your Spouse Tells You, she has had "a few" one night stands

what questions would you ask her/him?

Nothing. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.

If it was prior to our relationship, nothing. That's just opening a can of worms that no good can come from. Same goes for the "confession" if it was before my time, I don't see a point in this exercise at all.

Is it honesty? At what cost? My new found insecurity? For what purpose? To clear your muddy concience? Blech, your shame is not my problem. Keep your dirty secrets to yourself. And I say "dirty" because of the guilt attached that lead to the confession. Not because I think 1 night stands are inherently dirty.

(This is of course assuming my husband and I were not playing 21 questions and it was a "confession")

During our marriage? I'd ask "why?" to ascertain if and to what extent I somehow played a role in his "few 1 nightstands" and then promptly announce that I'm going out to get tested for every STD known to mankind.

ETA: Pfrog thanks for the reminder!
I'd also leave after getting tested!!!!!

Was this prior to or during the marriage?

That would be all I'd want to know.

If it was during the marriage, the marriage would be over!

Not because of the sex, but because of the lies & betrayals.

I'd also get myself checked for STD's.

Nothing. It's none of your business.

if it wasn't during your marriage, I wouldn't even ask, I wouldn't want to know really.

I wouldn't go as far as telling you that it's not your business, because if she offered up the information she just made it your business if you want to know but.. that being said, does it matter? If it matters to you what happened before you were married, you probably have bigger issues to look at. But truly it shouldn't even matter therefore knowing of these things isn't going to make your marriage better.

I wouldn't even ask why. I'd just be like, "See ya". Sorry I would never do that to my spouse and since I've had it done to me more than once, not anymore. I have 0% tolerance for cheating.

Oh make no mistake, my question is not based on tolerence, I'd leave too...as I said.

The "why" would be more research. Was he not fullfilled within our marriage? eg Lack of intimacy, and I was blissfully unaware he was unhappy, or was he just a 2 timing asshole. Also if he didnt act accountable, that would speak volumes.

Remember this is my hypothetical hubby. Idk if he's communicative and will address what he feels are issues instead of bottle them up. Idk if I have medical reasons that make sex awkward in this hypothetical marriage, and idk if I married an Oscar winning snake!

So I'm just covering my basis for my hypothetical marital problems because, well I like clarity and knowing exactly what I'm walking away from makes it easier.

IRL I prefer my husband to be my current bf though, if it was him who turned out to be Oscar winning snake, because we have good communication and we both "own our shyt", I'd do what I said, get tested and leave, minus the Q&A.

May I offer you some research?

Have you ever heard this phrase from a famous psychiatrist before?
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
Does this idea apply to your own life?

Here's something a bit light hearted involving myself:
I hate dentists.

I really did not want to be seen by my dentist today. I felt like I was forced into going. In reality I've had choices to make. I could go to a different dentist. I could not go to the dentist at all. I could have used soda as my mouth rinse this morning. But whatever decision I make is entirely my own responsibility. I simply walked into the office and check in the front desk, and that was my choice and my freedom to choose.

You see,...
Whenever a person tells you that, "You've made me do this!", they're mistaken or blatantly lying. If a spouse cheats it is because they made the choice to cheat. When an abuse husband becomes violent it is because that was his choice. We are responsible for our own decisions and other people are responsible for their own. You are never at fault for being cheated on but you can empower yourself and react. Cheaters aren't trust worthy people. Imagine children at a beach stomping on sand castles simply to laugh at other children. That's the sort of people we're talking about here. Do not trust them to make changes to yourself at their whims. Improve yourself only if you wish to. Trust a therapist, doctor, or clergyman to help you instead of some loser who blames you for their own choices.

I've been there, done that.

I understand your point, but I have no idea why you made this point TO ME

You took 5 words from my response and pounced on it. Read the rest, I never implied my hypothetical hubby wouldn't have a choice, I never implied I would be at fault. I did however imply that I would be curious as to what lies or justification this hypothetical hubby comes up with.

.

Trippin, when I read AG's post I didn't think it was directed at you but was simply saying the cheater chooses to cheat of their own volition and it is not worth my time to ask how I could have been a better wife, lover, friend, et cetera because that is not where the problem is. The problem is the choice of the cheater.

I may be wrong but that is how I read it.

The one night stands happened over a period of several months after 14 years of marriage. So yes it was indeed during the marriage.

Sighs

Yes, I would well damn ask. Then leave or make her leave.
Cheating is a conscious act, done with the full knowledge of how it will destroy the spouse. I see no room for forgiveness or second chances.

I second that! AFTER 14 yrs of marriage is a hellava blow. My heart goes out to you Kevin.

See that's where I would differ. I dont' want to know why. Why do I say that? because I don't care, no amount of rationalization or reasoning would justify it. In my mind when I am attached, whehter married or not, I've made the commitment to her and in effect have chosen to forsake others period. She will fail on some fronts no matter what, she's human. Never would I let any of her failings or shortfalls be an excuse to find another or even leave. I would not expect myself to be free from shortcomings why would I think she should be? So therefore I have no reasons I can make in my mind to justify it other than, they lacked the ability to make the choice to remain commited. That act stands alone and rationalizing why is just that - rationalizing something to excuse a behavior.

This is just my thinking not judging you. I mean to each his/her own right? that's just how I am!

Been there, done that. burned the tshirt. maybe not 14 but 13 is pretty much close enough. She left but I wasn't about to try and keep her not after i realized what she was doing.

Update:

My therapist and I came up with three questions. Intimacy has always been an issue with my wife and I. She has always blamed medication and hormones for low sex drive, so I get rejected a few times per week. We have sex on average probably once a month over the course of our marriage.

So I asked her "Why she tells me she has no sex drive but then has sex with a few people over several months"

"There have been opportunities over the course of our marriage. Why now? Why is now different?

She wrote me a long answer about how over the last few months that I've not made her a priority. Earlier this year I started running and thus going out and drinking less. Also she mentioned a cruise that we went on. She said that I spent too much of my evening time in the casino and not with her so she felt devalued. She then again brought up hormones and how she didn't ever feel like being intimate. My wife also has terribly low self esteem. She recently lost a bunch of weight, but she still sees herself as the heavier person. But in the last 3 years of losing the weight she had become very regimented and self disciplined. So she said that the acts were her letting go and being impulsive and liking the attention.

This still doesn't explain why she rejects attention from me. We had an argument yesterday and she again said that with me it was hormonal. But it wasn't hormonal when she was rolling in about 4:00 AM?

The 3rd question I asked her is how many times she went outside our marriage. The first time she answered she said "a few"....yesterday she said she wasn't going to answer that and said "it happened, it's not happening anymore, it was more than one and less than twenty and that's all I needed to know." I feel like she's taunting me with that answer.

We have our first joint therapy session since she gave me the news 3 weeks ago, this afternoon. I have an appointment with an attorney on Monday...I feel like I'm going crazy.

Eh, Kevin, I think you are being toyed with. She's messing with your mind. Maybe she has really poor impulse control and isn't doing this abusive stuff completely "on purpose" - but you aren't being treated well.

She's getting attention from you by taunting you, dangling promises that maybe she'll divulge all, maybe she'll have a rational discussion with you - and then dancing away while telling you that you aren't doing things right.

This sounds like a game on her part. Might be a painful unfortunate game on her part, don't know. But your priority is your own stability and sanity.

So this is a great time to dedicate yourself to the basics. Really make sure you are getting healthy food and enough sleep. Keep up with the exercise. Anything that helps you regain a healthy sense of stability is very important.

Sometimes with couples, when one person starts getting healthier, the other person does things to destabilize the relationship.

Joint therapy, and therapy for yourself is a great idea. Your wife needs to be in individual therapy too.

Sounds like your wife is holding grudges, and punishing you for things she thinks you are doing wrong.

Trying to discuss relationship dynamics (outside of therapy) with her for now probably isn't going to work. Other than for collecting information, but you might need to keep even that brief til joint therapy sessions.

I've been there, I remember how devastating this all can feel. I had to remember to get back up, dust myself off, and focus on basic self care.

Wow I am sorry Kevin. Things don't seem to be adding up. What I hear is that your wife wants you to consider her and her hormone problems, wants you to give her lots of attention even tho it doesn't sound like she is willing to do the same in return. And I also hear what seems to be lack of remourse, you would kind of expect the cheating partner to understand the hurt and pain they caused and to actually give a damn. It's pretty concerning to me that she doesn't sound like she is taking reaponsability for her actions or is considering how her own actions have impacted the relationship as well.

Has she considered at all what it has been like for you to feel rejected all the time? Has she ever took the iniciative to be intimate with you? Has she appologized or seemed genuinely sorry for breaking your vows to one another? Did she ever seek medical care for hormone problems? To me those would be the questions I would want answers to, and answers that I know based on her actions vs just asking them.

How would your wife handle this situation if it were reversed. Cause I am thinking it would not be that well. I am going to guess that she would not be satisfied with " It happend, it's not happening anymore......and that's all you need to know". Those statements seem pretty dismissive of your feelings on the subject. It's not like she just overspent some money or forgot to pay some bills or something. Have you gotten tested for std's? I hate to bring that up but it is also really important.

It's a very hard thing to experience, I can see why you feel like you are going crazy. I am sorry you are going through all this. I know the feeling of heartbreak when your spouse hurts you very badly and doesn't seem to care. It is crazy making. Try not to be pulled into that game.

Good luck with your appoinments, let us know how you are doing.

While I know that for many cheating is a bottom-line behavior, I don't always know that ending a marriage is the only answer. I did not read anything about her falling in love with any of these one-night stands, and they seemed to be physical exchanges more than relationships. If this only happened recently and not during earlier years of the marriage, I do think there is value in trying to determine what parts of her explanation could actually be something you could work on...either for yourself for the sake of any next relationship or to try and improve things with your wife and reach a reconciliation.

I would be beside myself with pain and anger had this happened to me....but no relationship is one-sided. Her problems may come 100% from her own lack of self-esteem...but, I'd also want to make sure there is nothing from your side of the relationship contributing. She may say hormones/medication, but this is not true if she is able to enjoy sex outside the marriage...You may indicate that you want to have sex with her and assume that she should feel needed/desired/valued....but if there is no real intimacy with the sex or she does not feel valued outside of the sexual part of the relationship, she may not be interested in the actual sex. The main thing that I took from the above is that she says she does not feel valued. No matter what her other issues may be, this does resonate with me....I can't imagine wanting to have sex with someone if I felt they did not value me. No...this is not a reason to cheat...but not everyone handles their issues with maturity...she appears to be harboring some major resentments...and I don't think this can be dismissed just because she cheated.

I know, probably not a popular post. My father cheated on my mother for years when I was young...it was only when I grew up that I saw his side of the relationship. This does not make it okay, but it makes me less angry with him.

Thanks for your reply. I have not decided to end my marriage. I am meeting with an attorney to discuss options, but that's all I plan to discuss. Yesterday, in our couples session which was more like a fight with a referee. It was said to me that I need to decide what answers I can live with and what answers I can't live with.

My therapist said this may have been just a huge act of absolute selfishness. In my mind it was multiple independent acts of absolute selfishness.

I'm attempting to trust my wife and her answers. But when she refuses to answer a question or gives vague or mocking answers. How is this possible?

9 one night stands over a period of several months. She finally came clean and I feel like all the cards are on the table. I've felt paralyzed over the past month since she told me. Now at least I feel like I know what happened and can start my decisions to stay or leave.

Sadly right now, it feels like I need to leave.

My wife actually did before we were married. Who cares. I certainly don't.

You'd probably care if it was after 14 years of marriage

Im so sorry Kevin, I know myself... I would not be able to continue with this relationship. But that's me. I am truely sorry this is all at your feet to try to work through, whether you stay or go it will be a lot of work.

Well keep talking here, sometimes that helps. And you have support here no matter what you decide.